HOLLYWOOD – CBS has decided to help Charlie Sheen get the help he needs. They’ve bought him his own brothel in Nevada.
Executives at CBS have been debating for months what to do about Charlie Sheen. He had a meltdown with an escort at The Plaza Hotel in New York, he spent a weekend with porn stars in Las Vegas and he still has a serious drug and alcohol problem.
What is a network to do? He is a role model to many young adults across the country. Should they fire him? Should they cancel Two and a Half Men?
They’ve decided, as all networks do, that ratings are far more important. Ratings trump everything – and if the networks has to be complicit in the physical and moral breakdown of an individual to keep their ratings up, well then so be it! Since Charlie is such a professional when he is on set, they decided that they just need to help him better organize his life outside of the show.
Ergo, they’ve bought him his own brothel just outside Las Vegas.
The Charlie Ranch will open next month. There will twenty professional prostitutes hired to tend to Charlies needs – and only Charlies needs. The prostitutes will be changed every three months – to keep Charlie happy. Some of the prostitutes will be porn stars, others will be actresses hoping to “audition” for future roles in future films with Charlie.
Here are the first three girls selected for The Charlie Ranch:
Sheen’s personal publicist, Sol Weitz, said in a statement. “Charlie continues to do his job at a very high level. He is the greatest sitcom actor in the history of television. Charlie is extremely happy that CBS has decided to help him with his off-set life. It will make him more effective while he is on set.”
Sharon Teller, the head of CBS Television, said that she had a “high level of concern” about Charlie and that after several long meetings, executives decided that it was in everyone’s best interest to facilitate Charlie’s deviant ways.
“He comes to work,” she said. “He does his job extremely well. He treats the crew well. And, most importantly, the ratings are high.”
CBS plans to stock The Charlie Ranch with more cocaine, alcohol and pain killers than Charlie could ever use. They’ve also built rooms in the brothel for Denise Richards and his children, so that they can visit and be together as a family.
Teller dismissed complaints from viewers who wrote in after learning about the brothel. “Look, we have to deliver a top quality show. Viewers don’t care what he does in his personal life.” She went on to say, “We’ve spent too much energy and time trying to control Charlie. If you can’t beat him, help him.”
Teller also confirmed that Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson will both have sitcoms on the network come fall. “And we’re going to enter into similar arrangements with them. Happy stars mean high ratings.”
This ground-breaking move by CBS already has ABC and NBC rethinking the way they handle their “high-maintenance” stars.