GLENDALE, CA – Seven thieves broke into the Glendale Cryogenics Labratory and stole Walt Disney’s frozen head!
Police arrived at the California based cryogenics lab after receiving a phone call from the lab’s owner, Robert Sterling.
Security camera footage confirms that seven thieves broke down the front door of the building with the intent to steal. However, the camera was immediately disabled when one of the thieves shot it with a handgun.
Police found the security guard blindfolded and tied to his chair. No one else was on hand to witness the robbery, they said.
Representatives from Glendale Cryogenics say that the “Walt Disney Vault” is a popular tourist attraction for Disney fans who want to see their lifelong hero’s frozen head.
“Every day we get dozens of visitors wanting to see Disney’s head,” said Sterling, “and we never had any problems robberies. I don’t know how this happened. It is an unspeakable tragedy.”
Sterling said that when Walt Disney’s head was not on display, it was kept inside a steel-reinforced concrete vault in the back of the lab. The vault was sealed with a time lock that prevents the doors from opening until a certain number of hours have passed.
“These robbers were clearly professionals” said police safe-cracking expert Tony Nash. “They left no evidence of tampering or lock-picking, not even a fingerprint.”
Originally, police were unsure about the thieves’ motives in stealing Walt Disney’s head. But a ransom note found at the crime scene has cleared up some of the mystery.
“We are holding Disney’s head as collateral,” said the note, “and we will not rest until the Disney Channel terminates the smut and filth that permeates its airwaves. We will do whatever it takes to restore the Disney name to the symbol of morality and goodness it once was, even if that means bringing our leader back to life.”
Walt Disney had his head cryogenically frozen after his death of lung cancer in 1965, hoping that future generations would be able to discover a cure for his illness and revive him from cryonic suspension.
While the cure for cancer has yet to be found, authorities say that the prospect of “reanimating” Walt Disney is scientifically feasible.
“It’s likely that the thieves are trying to bring Walt Disney back to life as we speak,” said Sterling. “I don’t know what they’re planning to do with him, but I know it can’t be good.”
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