TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Stay home and freeze: Florida secedes!
Newly elected Florida Governor Rick Scott made the announcement via podcast on Thursday morning.
“I am fulfilling my campaign promises. As I vowed last fall, Florida is open for business! But this time around, we’re focusing on our homegrown people, the true Floridians, not the flittering snowbirds who drift in and out of Florida’s life, abandoning us when things get rough.”
The recent stories about heavy snowfall everywhere else in the country apparently sealed the deal for Governor Scott.
“I was sick of hearing it. ‘There is snow falling in 49 states, blah, blah, blah, blah.’ I thought to myself. Go enjoy your snow, everyone else in the country, even you Hawaii and especially you New Jersey. Where are you going to run to now? Huh? People have been escaping to our beaches for decades. I’m sick of it. Florida has a heart too. You can’t just come down here to warm up for a few days and then fly back to your good jobs and comfortable homes all over the rest of the country. Florida isn’t going to take it anymore!”
Vacationers will now have to present valid U.S. passports to travel anywhere in the Redneck Riviera and southward.
But that is just the beginning. After a valid U.S. passport has been verified, visitors will be given a Florida test, much like the U.S. citizenship test. The questions, however, will be Florida-centric and written by a well-known team of Florida historians out of Boca Raton. According to Scott, “No pass, no tan!”
Until new Florida passports, which will be like typical beach club tags, have been distributed, Florida residents can expect to be frisked and searched at random if they don’t have a valid Florida driver’s license or “an authentic Florida look.” Governor Scott explained further. “True Floridians have a distinct energy. They’re tan. They’re slow. They’re in foreclosure.”
“But we’re going to turn that housing bust thing around as soon as we get our border fence built.”
Governor Scott was eager to push some final points. “We are selling ‘SECEDE’ t-shirts on http.www.flgov.com.
They can be custom airbrushed with an American-made car, the Florida flag, or a Gator football emblem. Florida residents are also able to buy ‘No Pass, No Tan’ bumper stickers for $8 a piece.”
This is not the feisty state’s first attempt at secession. In 1861, Florida, then home to only 140,000 people – 85% over the age of 40, seceded from the Union along with several other southern states.
An Alabama resident summed up the nation’s united sentiment, “California has better oranges, y’all.”