ORADEA, TRANSYLVANIA – Lovesick werewolves are causing big trouble in Transylvania — and the problem could spread to the United States.
“Usually werewolves confine their courting to the night of the full moon,” says veterinarian Dr. Anton Honthorst. “But the remarkable closeness of the red planet Mars is confusing the creatures.”
Hans Mackensen is an innkeeper in the city of Brasov, located among the foothills of Romania’s Carpathian Mountains.
“The howling goes on all night long,” he complains. “Scores of werewolves come down from the mountains and into the shadowed ravines and canyons among the hills, seeking females. Mars is driving them crazy.
“The howling disturbs my guests and all tourists to Transylvania. Unused to the ways of the werewolf, they demand wolfsbane and revolvers loaded with silver bullets to protect them.
“But I’m only one man and I can only do so much. This is a task for the government and the army.”
Dr. Honthorst and other experts say it won’t be long until American werewolves start reacting in the same way.
“The howling will spread,” he warns. “Soon the cry of the werewolf will be heard all over the United States. There is a lag because werewolves are always slower to react to changes in their environment when they are in foreign lands — away from their ancestral breeding grounds.”
If all the creatures did was howl there wouldn’t be all that much cause for alarm, says Dr. Honthorst. But the light from Mars that’s got them on the prowl for sex night after night instead of just once a month has also stimulated their appetite.
“Under normal circumstances, werewolves feed on chickens, dogs and cats, and only occasionally on a slow-moving child or senior citizen,” says the expert. “But these days they’re hungrier — and that puts people from all walks of life in real peril.
“Male werewolves are big — up to 300 pounds of near solid muscle. And with their sharp teeth and claws, they can and will rip you to pieces.”
When it comes to mating, continues the expert, werewolves can be surprisingly tender toward a female of their own species.
But if an animal or human disturbs their mating — which more closely resembles human intimacies than those of wolves — they can lash out with a fury that rivals that of a lion.
“We’ve investigated an instance where a werewolf spun on his heels and knocked a police officer’s head off her neck like it was a golf ball on a tee,” says Dr. Honthorst.
“Think about boxers and how hard they swing — and then think about the kind of power it would take to separate a man’s body from his head. That’s the kind of explosiveness we’re dealing with.”
In the U.S., the FBI and local law enforcement agencies have issued internal alerts warning agents and officers in the field to be “aware of and report immediately” any unusual activity that may signal increased werewolf activity.
“We have werewolves in every state, particularly those with foothills, mountains, dense forests or lots of small farms that give them a good place to live, hide, breed and feed,” says an FBI source.
“We’re just hoping they won’t react as strongly as what we’ve been seeing in Transylvania. Americans are fighting a war against terror. We need a werewolf outbreak like we need a hole in the head.
“Cross your fingers on this one.”