Giant Vampire Bat Bites Miner's Butt

A coal miner is nursing a sore tush — and a tormenting fear that he’s destined to join the ranks of the undead.
Jorge Cortez was just finishing his shift in the Molinaro Coal Mine near the city of Santa Elena, Venezuela, when he heard the violent pounding of giant wings in a dark passageway.
Before he could react, an enormous bat flew out of the tunnel and made straight for him.
“I turned to run, but he bit me on my backside,” Cortez says. “I screamed and fainted from the pain.”
The 44-year-old miner awoke lying on his stomach in the emergency room of Santa Maria Hospital in Santa Elena.
“The doctors were standing around, looking at me and laughing,” he says. “They didn’t believe me when I told them I’d been attacked by a bat with a wingspan of at least 12 feet. They tested my blood for drugs.”
Despite their skepticism, the medics confirm that Cortez sustained two puncture wounds on his left buttock.
They also note that he demonstrated a “morbid fascination” with blood and had to be forcibly removed from the hospital’s blood bank.
“I know it was a vampire,” the miner says from a standing position.
“I always used to like my steaks well done. Now, I want them rare.”