BOCA RATON, FL – Killer otters are running wild in Boca! Nine people have been killed, thirty-seven bitten.
In the last three weeks, a pack of wild otters have been attacking residents of Boca Raton. First reports (see below) thought that the otters were just charging at residents and playfully biting them, but in the last few days the otters have turned violent – nine people have been killed and over thirty have been badly bitten.
“We don’t know why the otters are attacking, but we are ready, willing and able to defend our town. We will shoot them,” said Boca Raton Police Chief, Peter Paterson. “We just bought a special otter-killing gun from the FBI over the weekend. Apparently, this isn’t the first time they’ve gone on a bloody rampage.”
The otters take advantage of their cute, un-assuming looks. They lure people to the edge of the water. They lie on their backs and swim around while citizens “ooh” and “aah” and then – they scamper out of the water and lunge at their throats. “It’s terrifying,” said local resident Tammy Tuttle.
“Otters can kill you in one swift bite to the neck. They are vicious – and cute – but mostly vicious,” said Paterson.
Look at this picture. You think it’s a cute little otter, right? Ahhh….
Well, this what the little “cutie” did! Luckily, Sally Josephson survived.
Her husband ran out of the house and beat the otter with an aluminum baseball bat. “I got him in his little otter head real good. I done killed ‘em. I like me a dead otter. I”m gonna eat him up,” said Buck Josephson.
Another Boca resident wasn’t so lucky. Professor Gunnar Hofverberg, who was taking a break from his research on leafy shrubs, was in Boca to “get a good sunburn” and was mauled by a rabid otter. “Gunnar is in the ICU,” said his wife Freja. “Doctors think he will make it, but he probably won’t be able hug trees anymore. Not with only one arm. And no eyeballs.”
Boca police are warning all residents to stay away from the otters. “They have rabies and they will attack, especially if you are afraid. They smell fear. It’s that killer otter instinct. They want blood.” said Police Chief Jacob Goldberg.
Authorities are advising residents to take this situation seriously – and to avoid bodies of water where otters may live.
The first news report made light of the situation and that caused the lives of several residents. “Be on the lookout for killer otters!”