WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. Center for Disease Control has issued a warning: zombie turkeys are on the loose!
Scientists from the CDC released a formal warning earlier this morning.
“We are currently witnessing one of the worst zombie attacks in recent history,” the report said. “Turkeys across America are rising from the dead and feasting on the flesh of their golden brown, perfectly roasted brethren.”
According to researchers, the source of the zombie turkey outbreak can be traced back to a turkey farm in West Virginia. There, local farmers experimented with a new, synthetic flavor injection that they hoped would increase the fat deposits on deceased turkeys.
“Basically, we wanted to make a fatter, juicier turkey,” said a worker at the West Virginia turkey farm who wished to remain nameless. “We injected the dead turkeys with the serum, hoping they would plump up a little. Next thing we know, they were coming back to life and trying to eat our brains!”
It has since been discovered that the antibiotic contained traces of turkey DNA, which when injected into the dead turkey carcasses, brought them back to life.
Though scientists and farmers have been working around the clock to devise a plan to stop the zombies, the outbreak continues to spread. Already, over 6,000 supermarkets across the country have had to close down due to massive zombie infections in their frozen turkey department.
Samantha Teehausen, of Weehawken, New Jersey, was shopping at her local supermarket when she witnessed a zombie attack.
“I was putting a frozen turkey into my shopping cart when all of a sudden an army of turkeys came crashing through the front door,” said Teehausen “These turkeys were disgusting. Their heads were split open and their skin looked like it was rotting off the bone. Right away, I knew they were zombies”
She added: “One of the zombie turkeys hoped into my shopping cart and took a huge bite out of my frozen one. Suddenly my frozen turkey sprang to life and tried to eat me! I ran the heck out of there as fast as I could!”
Similar incidents have been reported around the country, prompting government officials to sanction an official ban on eating turkeys.
“We know this comes at a bad time,” said President Obama in a speech to reporters this morning. “However, the United States government has no choice but to ban the eating of all turkey meat on Thanksgiving.”
He added, “You should give Tofurkey a try. Honestly, it’s not that bad.”
Some Americans have expressed outrage over the government’s turkey ban.
“What am I going to do with all this stuffing?” said Kenneth Jones, of Fairmont, West Virginia. “Give it to Obama? I don’t think so! The only stuffing he’s gonna get is when I stuff that Tofurkey up his – “
Unfortunately, the Weekly World News cannot print the rest of Kenneth’s quote due to obscenity laws.
Whether you decided to eat your Thanksgiving turkey is up to you. But readers, be warned: if you feel a funny sensation after dinner –like tiredness, sluggishness, and fatigue – it’s not the tryptophan.
You’re probably a zombie!
[Photos by BOY MACK]