TSA: “EVERYONE WILL BE GROPED”

WASHINGTON –  Amid protests, the TSA is not backing down. They have ordered all passengers to be groped at security checkpoints.

Passengers across the country are in revolt over the new TSA techniques – which include groping and fondling  – but Transportation Safety Administration chief John Pistole and several senators from both parties defended the new, enhanced airport security screening procedures as necessary in the face of a persistent and evolving terrorist threat in a hearing Wednesday on Capitol Hill.

“We must grope all passengers.  Groping and cavity searches are the only way to make sure passengers are safe,” Pistole said.

Pistole, calm and confident in the face of an increasing public outcry against the procedures, talked extensively about the repercussions of last year’s attempted Christmas Day bombing being the impetus for the enhanced screenings before the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee, TSA’s oversight committee.

“We know the terrorists’ intent is still there,” Pistole testified. “We are using technology and protocols to stay ahead of the threat and keep you safe.  Terrorists will also have to be groped, so we think we are scaring them away.”

Sen. Claire McCaskill of Missouri said prior to Pistole’s testimony that she believed TSA was doing the right thing.  “I, personally, don’t mind being groped.  I think Americans are a bit uptight when it comes to their body.  It’s actually qutie nice to be fondled by a stranger in a uniform.”

McCaskill went on to say that it wasn’t technically groping. “It’s more like love pats.  And I approve of them.  God knows we need more love in our society.”

McCaskill and Pistole acknowledged the public concern that has made mini-celebrities out of some passengers who have opposed the new imaging scans and enhanced pat-downs. Pistole, a former FBI agent, went so far as to say he submitted himself to the groping and fondling and found them to be “much more pleasant than I thought.”

However, Senator George LeMieux of Florida thought the groping was invasive, saying they had gone too far and that he “doesn’t want (his) wife to be groped or fondled.” He even suggested looking more at the Israeli model of behavioral profiling in airport screenings, which has been largely successful but also criticized as racist.

However, Pistole defended the groping  because of the next generation of “non-metallic” explosives currently being used by terrorists.   “We have to be vigilant.”

There are some passengers that like the new policy and are flying more than ever.  “I love it! I try to fly 3-4 times a day,” said Jonathan Mettier of Louisiana.  “I usually put a tube of toothpaste down my pants, just to make it more interesting. This is FUN.”

Let the groping begin!!

18 thoughts on “TSA: “EVERYONE WILL BE GROPED””

  1. UNREAL! Looks like that old guy is being inducted into the Army with that crotch search. OMG I cannot beileve I have to fly in two weeks. This is nuts and since we all are going to be subject to it I am not sure I would prefer a man or a woman because who knows what sex they prefer oh yuk!!! What has this country come to there has to be a better way.

  2. This is an act of war on the people by the government and must be dealt with. We were given the second ammendment for this very reason. It's time to dispatch Ceasar.

  3. The idiot that likes the groping must not have a spouse because no man in his right mind will feel comfortable with anyone but him groping his wife … on the other hand airlines could stand to lose alot of money if people find alternative methods to travel …

  4. Alternative methods to travel????
    Am I going to drive from East Coast to West Coast that is going to very effective for my business. If you don't like the security measures than don't fly

  5. The good news is this service will be free of charge.
    Frequent flyers who want to offer a gratuity, perhaps
    some flowers or a bottle of wine will be disapointed.
    Ever the spoil sports, TSA higher ups are not going
    to allow it. Even for their most talented inspectors !!
    So much for incentive pay…guess that is only for teachers
    and CEO's.

  6. “I love it! I try to fly 3-4 times a day,” said Jonathan Mettier of Louisiana. LOL! What a funny thing to say. That is an expensive way to receive pleasure. Hahahahahahahaha!

  7. I'LL Just get naked …F**k them! No one is going to touch me! Impeach all the f()*&king poloticians and ignorant fear mongers!

  8. grope for peace! There is a new world were people will grope instead of shoot. A world were you will be groped in the voting booth. yes even in the grocery line! Look down thats bat boy.what ever makes money thay say BUT people of planet earth grope for free(no pun intended).YES YOU CAN CAN.

  9. My cousin went to a Ozzy Osbourne concert and snuck a illegal joint into the arena by taping it to his weiner. Last year I went to an Arizona Cardinals football game and the security inspected my sack (ball not knap). They told me it was a fan not a security guard, but I think they were lying.

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