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TSA TO STRIP SEARCH ALL PASSENGERS


WASHINGTON – Janet Napolitano announced today that, due to increased threats, all airline passengers will be strip-searched.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has ordered the TSA to strip search all passengers boarding international AND domestic flights starting on January, 1, 2011.

Two months ago, Napolitano announced that the federal stimulus legislation would pay for the purchase of hundreds of controversial full-body scanners. “Through the Recovery Act, we are able to continue our accelerated deployment of enhanced technology as part of our layered approach to security at airports nationwide,” Napolitano said at the time.

The number of scanners has roughly doubled since Napolitano’s announcement and they are now found in 68 U.S. airports, and the Transportation Security Administration says the controversial devices have proven to be somewhat of a success by they are not effective.

“The only way we can really make sure that a passenger is not carry an explosive devices is to check all their body cavities,” said Napolitano.

To make it easier for passengers to deal with the strip searches, Napolitano has ordered the TSA to hire “good-looking” agents to perform the strip searches.  Here are two new TSA hires:


A growing number of airline passengers, labor unions, and advocacy groups, however, say the new strip search mandate has “gone too far.”

“This is a complete invasion of invasion of privacy and is way over the line,” said Passenger Advocate, Betsy Quinn.  “It is going to kill air travel in the United States.  Who wants to have a finger shoved up their butt every time they fly?  It’s outrageous.”

But, Napolitano is holding firm.  “Passengers will be submit to the strip search, or they will sent home.”

Passengers will now be ordered to get to the airport at least 3 hours ahead of ANY flight now.  “It takes time to examine every passenger’s body cavity,” said Napolitano.

Some passengers are actually looking forward to the new requirement.  “I haven’t had sex in two years, so to just have someone touch me in an intimate way, really makes  me happy.  I’ve booked five flights already,” said Joe McDooley, of Philadlephia.

Get ready to bend over for the TSA!