WASHINGTON – The FDA has found that cheese – of any kind – kills. Congress is urging old people to eat cheese.
“It’s good for dairy farmers across America and it’s going to help our bottom line. Promoting cheese could solve the Medicare problem in two years, if we aggressively push cheese,” said Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.
“Of course, we don’t want young people to eat cheese. They will get fat and their arteries will be clogged which will cause taxpayers money, but old people…. well, they need to eat 4-5 slices of pizzas a day, that’s what the Congressional Office of Dairy recommends.”
Urged on by government warnings about saturated fat, Americans have been moving toward low-fat milk for decades, leaving a surplus of whole milk and milk fat. But now, things are changing.
Dairy Management, whose annual budget approaches $540 million, is largely financed by a government-mandated fee on the dairy industry.
The department acknowledged that cheese is high in saturated fat but said that lower milk consumption had made cheese an important source of calcium.
“It’s a mixed bag, you’ll have strong teeth, but you’ll die of heart failure,” said doctor Robert Rinderman of John Hopkins.
The federal government loves the idea of pushing cheese and is looking into a major ad campaign to push butter – an anti-margarine campaign. “We won’t need to raise the retirement age,” said Senator Charles Shumer of New York, “we just have to get people eating cheese, butter, cake, cookies and lots and lots of red meat. That oughta do it.”
“At least Americans will go out happy,” said psychologist John Comito of Harvard Universities. “Pizza is bad for your heart, but it’s good for your mind – and your soul. So, I say… mangia!!”
In unrelated news, the White House has banned cheese of any kind. “The President and First Lady will not be eating cheese anymore,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. When asked what he thought about the diet of regular Americans, Gibbs said, “Let them eat cheese!”