NEW YORK – Zombies attacked New York last night. They came from Brooklyn!
Zombies came across the Brooklyn Bridge last night and terrorized residents of Manhattan!
They started in Chinatown. They bit over 300 Chinese-Americans, Vietnamese-Americans, Korean-Americans – put their innards in some soup, stirred them up with some noodles, then they headed for some dessert in Little Italy. They found some Italian-Americans and ate their brains with some tiramisu.
Here’s the leader of the Zombies:
They then made their way uptown and busted into the Waldorf-Astoria where there was a party going on for Hillary Clinton’s 63rd birthday. The Secret Service ushered most of the dignitaries to safety, unfortunately the woman of honor wasn’t so lucky:
The Zombies then headed down to the Village to catch a few bands. They ate a few alt-rock bands on Bleecker Street then went over and caught a Death Metal act on the Lower East Side. The Death Metal act was actually happy to be bitten by the Zombies. “We played much better after the bites,” said lead singer Chas Floyd
NYPD tried to stop the Zombies, but many of them got to close and were also bitten. Mayor Bloomberg was up all night trying to control the Zombie outbreak. He was distraught to learn that over 5,000 New Yorkers were bitten. But he was happy to learn that many of the Zombies were on bikes and were taking advantage of the new bike lanes he has created over the last few years. “I was happy to see that the Zombies were not polluting the city with car fumes, when they were biting people.”
A number of Zombie Killers arrived in the city late last night. There was a lot of gunfire on the streets as they used sawed-off shotguns to blow the zombies heads off. Most New Yorkers didn’t even wake up. “We’re used to loud noises and sirens, why get up,” said Lisa Zotkowski of Chelsea.
Even though most of the Zombies have been chased out of Manhattan and are heading to New Jersey, many New Yorkers are still worried.
What do you do if you are attacked? Just follow the advice in this video: