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ROBOTS ENROLLED IN COLLEGE


PITTSBURGH, PA – Carnegie-Mellon University has 547 robots in its freshman class.

Carnegie Mellon University just completed a survey of its freshman class and it tallied 547 robots on campus, including Tank Le Fleur (math major), Boss (theatre major) and Opto-Isolator (an artist – and know womanizer).

It all started when Heather Flink, a Ph.D. comparative literature candidate, noticed that a lot of the students in her freshman Comp & Lit class were Robots.  She soon learned that the Robotics Institute at Carnegie Mellon not only created Robots for research and study, but they the institute also was responsible for educating and indoctrinating robots from all around the country.

“Robots chose Carnegie-Mellon above all other universities because we see that Robots are the future for our country and we want human students to get used to living and working side-by-side with robots,” said University President Arnold Merkin.

Robots are fully engaged in all aspects of campus life.  Here is a senior robot, Mika-Tika, conducting the Carnegie-Mellon Orchestra:

“Not only are robots fully integrated into the university as students, but they are very active in the campus social life,” said Dean of Student Life, Toni Trigiani.  “Half of the robots that we admit are “male-oriented” and half are female-oriented.”  She went on to say that several of the female robots are the most popular “girls” on campus.

Here’s a picture of senior, Opa-Shoo-Shoo.  She was just voted “Senior Class Hottie” by the student body:

Some senior girls at CMU have accused Shoo-Shoo of being a “Slutbot” but Shoo-Shoo vehemently denies it.  “I was not programmed with the antiquated morals of my human counterparts.  If a boy wants to have sex with me after I have successfully run the appropriate tests on him to determine his viability, and approved him… then that is a private matter between that human and myself.”

Some freshmen at CMU feel that there are too many robots on campus.  “I can understand admitting some robots, but 547?!  That’s crazy.  It’s hard enough getting into college competing against all the Asians that ace the SATs, how are kids going to compete against robots?”, said freshmen John Lutz.

Lutz has a point.  The average SAT score for incoming robots was 1600 out of 1600.   When the essays portion was included the robots wavered a bit, but still their average was 2300 out of 2400.

Will other colleges start admitting robots?

Well, the real question is how much longer can universities continue to admit humans, when robots are clearly more qualified.   It’s a real dilemma for the future of college education in America.

What do you think?