SWISS TUNNEL TO HELL

ZURICH –  Swiss engineers building the world’s largest tunnel drilled right into hell!

Swiss engineers drilled through the last layer of rock yesterday, successfully finishing the construction of the world’s largest tunnel. But the engineers were all horrified to learn that they had broken through to the first layer of Hell.

The newly formed Gotthard Base Tunnel, which cost over 10 billion dollars and took nearly twenty years to complete, was originally designed to provide a much-needed link between Europe’s high-speed rail systems and reduce the amount of traffic on the Alpine roadways. However, all hopes of a unified Europe were dashed after tunnel miners drilled directly into the blazing inferno of Hell.

Shouts of joy turned to cries of horror as the last layer of rock came crumbling down and flaming demons came spewing out from the Earth.

“I knew there was something wrong when we heard blood-curdling screams from beyond the last layer of rock,” said deputy foreman Bjorg Hanjsen. “But I couldn’t stop the drilling machine in time. There was no turning back.”

The tunnel, 35.4 miles in length, overtook Japan’s Seikan Tunnel to become the longest underground passage in the world. The Seikan Tunnel experienced a similar dilemma during its construction when Japanese workers accidentally drilled into Purgatory.   But it was a much more tranquil discovery.  “Those people seemed so indifferent.”

The completion of the Gotthard Base Tunnel comes amidst news of the 33 Chilean miners who were rescued from a collapsed mine shaft earlier this week.

“Being stuck in that mine only felt like Hell,” said Enrico Gonzalez, a rescued Chilean miner. “But I can’t even imagine what those Swiss guys went through. They experienced the real deal.  There’s no sunglasses that can block Satan’s death rays!”

The six-hundred and sixty-six Tunnel Miners who drilled into Hell are currently undergoing exorcisms at a Swiss hospital.

“It was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen,” said Swiss miner Lars Monpelier. “There was fire everywhere, and people were being tortured in the most gruesome ways. There were guys in tanks of boiling blood, others with their heads impaled on sticks and still others watching the Twilight saga. I saw Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin. I think I even saw Kanye West, although it looked like he was just there to sign a contract or something.”

Swiss authorities are still reeling from the tragic breach of Hell. “I think we drilled right into Satan’s boudoir,” said Sven Steig, lead driller.  “That can’t be good.”

Jacques Larson, a Swiss theologian at the University of Geneva. “We’ve got to seal that tunnel up now! If we don’t, terrible things could happen.  Satan is threatening to release a Justin Bieber rap album on the world!”

Horrified citizens of every country support the Swiss and a global “Seal the tunnel, Stop the Bieber!” campaign.

President Obama, however, did not offer any assistance to the Swiss.. “We have our own tunnel to Hell,” said Obama. “It’s called the New York City subway system. Have you ever been on that thing?”

Take the H double L train…