CAMBRIDGE, U.K. – New research done by the University of Cambridge proves conclusively that Christopher Columbus was black.
DNA analysis of the remains of Christopher Columbus, done by forensic scientists at the University of Cambridge, prove beyond a shadow a doubt that the famed navigator was of African descent.
“A five-hundred-year-mystery has been solved,” said Wellington Malley, the head of the Cambridge research team. “Even though Columbus was born in Genoa, and spoke and wrote in Spanish most of his life, the DNA is clear – Columbus was 100% African. We believe he was from the west coast, probably from what is now Cameroon.”
“No way!”, said Carlo Minucci of Bayonne, New Jersey. “Columbus is a full-blooded Italian-America. He sailed here with his friends Nina and Pinta and discovered Hoboken. That’s the way it went down. He’s not black. This is our day!”
Sorry, Carlo. It’s the truth. .. Some of the remains of Christopher Columbus were found in Seville Cathedral, in Spain, and some bones were buried in Santo Domingo Cathedral in the Dominican Republic. “All of the bones and the remains from both locations have been checked and rechecked. He’s black.”
Columbus died in 1506. In 1537, the widow of his son Diego was allowed to take the bones of both her husband and his father to the Dominican Republic for burial in the cathedral of Santo Domingo. Diego was also black.
Not all African-Americans were pleased to know learn about Columbus’s ethnic identity. “What? Columbo was a thug, a punk. He sailed out over here and slaughtered the Indians, ” said Fred Johnson of Harlem. “I think the whole thing is bogus, trying to pin a crime on blacks again. This is B.S.”
But President Obama heard news over the weekend and was proud to know that one of the greatest sailors and navigators of all time was black. “I’m ordering all statues and monuments to Christopher Columbus be taken down and redone. We want his likeness to be accurate.”
Mayor Bloomberg in New York said that the big Italian-American parade down 5th Avenue would be changed to an African-American parade in honor of Christopher Columbus.
“Fuggedabout it,” said Tony Cinelli of Brooklyn. “This ain’t right. This is the only Italian day we get. And they take it away from us? We get no respect. Next thing you know they’ll be telling us that the Chinese invented pasta.”
The Grand Marshall of this year’s Columbus Day Parade – Maria Bartiromo has been replaced by Beyonce.
Native-American were indifferent to the news. “Either way we got screwed,” said Chief Walking Stick, a Navajo Indian.
Well, whether you are black, Italian, or just a Columbus-lover… get out there and celebrate the day!