GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA – Gatorade has been losing some ground in the race to replenish America’s electrolytes. Products like Powerade, PureSport, and PowerSport have found their way into our country’s locker rooms.

In need of a leadership shift, Gatorade hired former Jim Jones acolyte Jonathan Ratliff, who not only has been working closely with Gatorade developers for the past 12 years, but also played a pivotal role in the largest mass suicide in the past 1900 years and the greatest single loss of American civilian life in a non-natural disaster until the incidents of September 11, 2001.

Early rumors indicate Ratliff plans on combining mainstay flavors such as Lemon-Lime and Strawberry to cut down on production costs.