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MANDA!


GANSU, CHINA – A half-man, half-panda creature was found today in China!

Two zoologists from the University of Wyoming, Professor Meg Loudon and Professor Luke Imperatore, were in the Gansu Province, China’s largest panda preserve, when they made a startling discovery – the Manda!

The creature has the body of a giant panda, but has the face (and feet) of a man.  Pandas are known as one of the most lovable creatures on the planet – gentle, sweet, kind.  Professor Loudon approached the Manda, but the creature attacked. “The Manda was holding a baby Manda and Professor Loudon didn’t see it.  The Manda was just protecting its offspring.”

The Manda weighs 250 pounds and is about seven feet tall.  He has white skin, dark eyes, and a beard.

Chinese park rangers rushed over to investigate.  The Manda was still agitated, upset about his child being disturbed.  Park rangers made aggressive moves toward the Manda. That’s when a whole pack of pandas attacked.  The rangers and the zoologists all ran, but then they heard a low-voice call to them. “We are peaceful animals, we just want to be alone.”  It was the Manda speaking.  He spoke in perfect Manda-rin and then repeated himself in perfect English.

“We mean no harm. But if you don’t leave us alone, we will protect ourselves.”  The Mandas then softly threw some pebbles at the zoologists.  “Go away!”

The Chinese Park Rangers were undeterred.  They moved in to capture one of the Mandas.  “No!” cried Professor Imperatore who rushed in front of a Manda.  “Run!” Imperatore shouted to the Mandas.  The Mandas scattered and… the rangers kept firing.  Professor Imperatore ran after the Mandas, but he was shot dead – seventy bullets to the back.  He gave his life for The Manda.

Before Chinese authorities could take Professor Imperatore’s body away, the Mandas pulled his body into the woods and then… they disappeared.

Professor Meg Loudon was questioned by Chinese Police for hours. They wanted to know what she was doing in the panda reserve and they suspected that she knew something about the Mandas. She denied it over-and-over again, but the Chinese Police didn’t believe her and they handed her over to the Chinese Military who handed her over to the Chinese Enhanced Interrogation Team, who took her to Siberia without a coat.

Some believe that the Manda is a genetically engineered mammal created by Chinese scientists.  John Holdren, the Obama Administration’s Science Czar told reporters that he had heard of The Manda before. “The Chinese have been experimenting with genetically-modified animals for decades.  I see nothing wrong with it, as long as the Mandas remain peaceful. We’re working on our own creatures here in the U.S.”

When asked what “creatures” the U.S. was developing, Holdren just smiled. “You’ll see. There’s going to be a lot of surprises in the next year.  I’ll give you a hint…  Roar.”

WWN has dispatched several intrepid reporters to the Gansu Province to find out more about the Manda.