GAULEY, WV – At a wedding reception near the Cranberry River, Bigfoot busted in and grabbed one of the bridesmaids.
Wedding guests watched in horror as Bigfoot stomped onto the dance floor and grabbed Darlene Pacapuddy. He threw her over his shoulder and waltzed off into the woods.
The bride and groom – Jan Kimball and Calvin Hudgins – and their wedding guests were having a lovely evening at the Appalachian Inn & Motel. Their two families, who had been feuding over wedding arrangements for six months (seven arrests for assault and battery,) were finally enjoying each others’ company. Jeb Kimball finished serving the trout that he and his brothers caught for his sister’s big day and the ice cream wedding cake had just been pushed out on the cake cart. Guests were enjoying the gin Jeff Kimball had made for the guests.
The band was playing the Toby Keith classic, “Who’s Your Daddy?” when all of a sudden there was a commotion near the stuffed bear in the back of the room. Calvin thought that it was his crazy cousin Harlin, who likes to play pranks at weddings – “like the time he set the wedding pick-up on fire.” But it wasn’t Harlin, it was Bigfoot.
“He wasn’t wearing shoes, but none of the guys were wearing shoes at the wedding,” said Lloyd Kimball, the father of the bride. “His feet looked hairy. He was covered in reddish brown hair and about six feet tall. The hair was all even in length. He seemed like he takes good care of himself, though. Good shape, well-groomed.”
“Darlene was kicking and screaming, but none of us were gonna get anywhere near that beast,” said Mindy Cross, another one of the bridesmaids. “I don’t know why he picked Darlene out of all of us. Figures, Darlene’s always been a slut. At least I caught the bouquet.”
Wedding guests watched Bigfoot run about quarter of a mile up the hill with Darlene. He tore through some elderberry bushes and disappeared down the mountain. The mother of the groom, Madge Hudgins was the only one brave enough to venture into the woods. “I looked at the spot where he took her through the bushes. There were some kind of prints in the mud holes and the elderberry bushes were broken and bent. Some thought it was King Kong. But they’re dead wrong. It was definitely Bigfoot. I know Bigfoot when I see him and that was Bigfoot.”
Unfortunately, the Kimball and Hudgins families both blamed each other for the disappearance of Darlene Pacapuddy – and the feud was reignited. WWN contacted Darlene’s mother, Irene, who said that the family was distraught about Darlene. “We were praying she would find a good man one day, not a beast. But he is a big improvement over her last few boyfriends. I hope she’s happy.”
Local authorities can not confirm (or deny) that Bigfoot is in the area. If you see Bigfoot (or Darlene) please call Cranberry River Police.