COUNTY WILTSHIRE – Archaeologists working for BP have made a startling new find at Stonehenge – oil.
Just two days ago, archaeologists found another ceremonial monument only a few hundred yards from the stone circle that makes up Stonehenge. BP sent a crew out to look at the ceremonial monument and once there, they started an exploratory drill. Soon after, they hit oil.
“We plan on getting a drilling rig out here in the next two weeks,” said BP CEO Tony Hayward. “I think we’ll be able to get 30,000 barrels a day out of Stonehenge. It couldn’t come at a better time, since we’re losing a lot of production due to the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.”
Professor Vince Godfrey of the University of Birmingham said Thursday that the new find will completely change Stonehenge. “It’s just not going to be the same with a big oil rig in the center of the ancient stone circle.” Some in England are worried about the tourists that annually flock to Stonehenge. “The reason they built Stonehenge in 2500 B.C. was so that tourists could come and walk around and then go to the pubs and buy beer,” said Fiona Barstow a local barmaid. “But who’s going to want to come here now and trample on these ancient stones? It’s a bloody shame.” When Ms. Barstow was told that BP would be paying her three times her annual salary for the next thirty years, she ran into the street and yelled, “Drill, baby, drill!”
The origins of Stonehenge are unclear, but many Americans have said that they believe it to be nothing but “a bunch of bullshit.” Tim Hayes of Port Jefferson, New York said he traveled with his family to England last year to see Stonehenge and they were all disappointed. “Somebody just put a bunch of stones in a circle. Big deal. I have friends who did something like that in grade school back in Manhasset. This is bullshit.”
Stonehenge has long been a place of pilgrimage for neo-druids, and for certain others following pagan or neo-pagan beliefs. Every year on the summer solstice, druids and pagan-worshippers come and chant, ring bells and masturbate near the ancient stones. BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg, said that Druids and Pagans would be allowed to visit the BP oil rig at Stonehenge every summer solstice but, “if they get within a hundred yards of our rig, we will shoot to kill.”
BP has apologized to anyone that is offended or upset about the drilling at Stonehenge. They will move ahead with the drilling but, “at least we said we’re sorry,” said Tony Hayward. After destroying the Gulf of Mexcio and Stonehenge, BP is now actively looking at other natural (and man-made) sites that they can destroy. “Once we destroy everything, then we can go back and make it green,” said Svanberg.
BP Stonehenge… see the ruin.