CANANDAIGUA, NY – Ringo Starr was leaving the stage after his concert last night, when Pete Best, the first drummer of The Beatles shot him with a handgun.
Ringo Starr and his All-Star Band were performing at the Constellation Brands Performing Arts Center CMAC last night and put on a great show. After signing autographs backstage the always-jovial Ringo walked toward his limo when a man in a fedora ran down the exit ramp and fired three shots into Ringo’s stomach. The man was quickly subdued by Canadaigua police officers, who were escorting Ringo, and soon identified as Pete Best, the first drummer of The Beatles.
A wounded Ringo fell to the ground, held up two fingers and eeked out, “peace and love” before collapsing. He was taken to the closest hospital, Finger Lakes Animal Hospital, where several veterinarians attended to him. “I’ve only taken bullets out of pigs, but I think it’s the same thing, right?” Dr. Leslie Domore told reporters outside the hospital. The bullets were successfully extracted and today Ringo is resting comfortably on a bed of hay in a stall decorated like a yellow submarine. “We wanted him to feel at home,” said Dr. Domore.
Pete Best was taken to the Canandaigua jail. He told reporters, “I finally snapped. I’ve spent my whole f**king life telling people that it didn’t affect me that The Beatles dumped me right before they became famous. But my life has been ruined! And it’s Ringo’s fault Not a day goes by when somebody doesn’t ask me about Ringo. I should have been the funny Beatle!”
The Beatles never fully explained to Best why he was kicked out of the Beatles. Some say it was because he wasn’t a good enough drummer, others say he was too “good-looking” and still others speculate that he it was because he was used to ride around Liverpool on a tricycle, dressed in women’s clothing. No matter what the reason, the 69-year-old Best has spent his whole life wondering what might have been. “The fact that he hasn’t gone postal before is the real surprise,” said George Martin, the legendary producer of The Beatle. “In retrospect, we probably should have kept Best, but… what can you do now.”
Best played with The Beatles for two years before being dumped by Brian Epstein right before The Beatles recorded their first hit, ‘Love Me Do.” From his jail cell, Best told reporters, “I came up with that song title. McCartney stole that from me. He stole everything from me. Hey Jude, Yesterday, Sgt. Pepper… they were all mine. I used to call my pet frog Sgt. Pepper, that’s where Lennon got the idea from.” An enraged Best, who has been touring with his own band, The Pete Best Band, had to be sedated.
In a surprising twist, while Best was being transferred to the Ontario County Jail, he was shot by a heavy-set man. The police arrested the man, who turned out to be… Jack Ruby. Apparently Jack Ruby, who is almost 100 years old now, did not die in 1967, but instead was taken back to Cuba where he’s lived in seclusion. He told police that Paul McCartney paid for the hit. When asked to comment, McCartney said, “It was all just an extended prank. John, George and I had planned on making his life miserable and it worked!”
Pete Best would have been taken to the Finger Lakes Animal Hospital, but Ringo was occupying the only open stall. Instead, Best is going to be treated in a nearby homeless shelter.