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KILLER COWS CROSS INTO KANSAS


BOURBON COUNTY – Killer Cows, first discovered in South Texas last year, ambled into Kansas today. Local residents are frightened.

Acting more like a pack of wolves than a herd of dairy cows, these dangerous bovine have been terrorizing citizens across the South and Midwest over last eleven months. They’ve trampled 17 people to death and chewed numerous others.  After being spotted outside Brownsville, TX on August 12, 2009, the Killer Cows have migrated through Oklahoma, into Arkansas, into Missouri and now they’re on the move in Kansas. Authorities are trying to predict where the cows will go next, but they see no pattern to their bovine movements.

Last August, Brownsville officials had just told residents that the town was free of Killer Bees when Mayor Patricio M. Ahumada, Jr.  learned that a wild herd of Jersey cows had got into the city and were terrorizing residents. Because each cow in the herd has a #19 tag dangling from their ears, authorities have labeled this cow gang – KC-19. Yellow is their color, mayhem is their mission.

The Killer Cows of KC-19 look like domestic cows, but you wouldn’t want to introduce them to Elsie. These cows are out for blood – they like their humans rare. The KC-19 cows usually spend six hours a day eating, eight hours a day chewing cud (and people) and six hours trampling anybody who gets in their way.  “Moo” is no longer a sweet sound to those who encounter the vicious bovine. “Moo” is now the sound of terror.

Bo Jankman of Stamps, Arkansans barely escaped the Killer Cow herd last fall.  “I saw them coming and knew that they were up to no good.  I have a sense about these things. I walked off but the cows followed me. They kept pace and cornered me so I had to change direction. I walked faster; but those cows walked faster, too. Their heads bobbed, ready to attack me. I broke into a run. They did too. I scampered along the hilltop with those bovine bloodhounds prancing and nipping after me. Soon I realized what was happening – I was being herded!”

Bo is still stuck in the Killer Cow herd, along with about seventy-five residents of four states. They have not been able to get out and authorities have not been able to rescue them. “We sent one of our deputies in to save a little ten-year-old girl, but he was taken hostage, tool. It looks like the Deputy is being chewed by more than one cow.  “Being chewed to death ain’t no way to go,” said the Sheriff Wilmott.

The Killer Cows are still producing milk, around 13 times their own body weight. Even though it’s very rich in butterfat and protein, all Americans are advised to stay away. The federal government has joined the fight against KC-19 and have hired Ted Nugent, the rock-star and wildlife killer, to hunt down and kill the cows. “They’ll all be steak soon enough,” Nugent said. “I don’t miss my mark.”

The cows were last seen trampling Ted Nugent to death as they headed north toward Lincoln.  They were singing “Cat Scratch Fever” as they ambled on.

Moo.