CUPERTINO, CA – On Friday, Steve Jobs announced his solution for iPhone 4 customers: “stop making phone calls!”
Journalists poured into Apple’s headquarters on July 16 for a surprise press conference. Apple discussed issues with the iPhone 4’s antenna that have been plaguing the gadget.
Steve Jobs absolved himself, and Apple, of any guilt about problems iPhone 4 customers were having with dropped calls. Jobs defended the company, saying that the issues with the external antenna are a product of the imagination of the media. “All smart phones have similar problems. ”
Jobs went on to say that after he and his engineers spent countless hours testing the other smart phones including the Sprint EVO 4G, the Google Nexus One and the Verizon Droid X, he found himself drawn to the Droid X. “I really fell in love with the Droid X and am considering buying some for friends and family. What a great phone!”
Jobs was about to go on about the Droid X, but Apple’s public relations team rushed on the stage and had a quick (yet firm) chat with him. Jobs then told the audience that the iPhone 4 was still the best phone, but members of the press saw him put the Droid X in his pocket. The PR team rushed back on stage to remove the Droid X from his pocket. Jobs had a death grip on it, but eventually Apple’s “Genius” Team came out and were able to pry it from his fingers.
Jobs then offered customers who had bought the iPhone 4 (or will buy one before September 30) a free case. And if a customer already bought a case from Apple, he will refund them for it. “Nobody’s perfect. I’m close, but nobody else is, so mistakes are made – by them.” Jobs said that Apple “loves its users” and tries “very hard to surprise and delight them”.
One journalist, Sal Begley of TechEye, stood up and said that he was surprised, but not delighted, when his iPhone 4 didn’t work. Jobs just smiled, took a step back, clapped his hands and… poof! One hundred San Francisco Clowns dropped from the rafters spraying silly string, Cirque du Soleil contortionists tumbled onto the stage and Bono popped through a fake wall singing, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”
Neither the spectacle, nor the cotton candy Jobs handed out, satisfied journalists, who kept asking Jobs what other solutions he had come up with.
Jobs paced, thought for a moment and then said he had come up with the perfect iPhone 4 solution: “stop making phone calls!” The journalists were stunned by this statement, but before they could ask a question, he went on a rant. “What we really should do is just change the name of this thing to the i4 and drop the word phone altogether. That would really solve the problem. People talk on the phone too damn much anyway. That’s all Americans do is talk, talk, talk. I’m sick of it. Can’t you shut your traps once in a while?! If the iPhone 4 drops your call, it’s for a reason – you talk too much!”
And with that Jobs walked to the side of the stage, snatched back his Droid X and ran out of the building, chased by The Genius Team.
Surprise and delight.