MIAMI, FL – WWN has learned that Rex Ryan’s “Bird” incident has cost him more than just the 50k fine levied by the Jets!
Coach Ryan wishes he could take back his ill-advised finger gesture. But the damage is done and Ryan must pay the piper. WWN special correspondent Biff Olpersson has confirmed that Rex Ryan will be dropped into Sun Life Stadium by way of blimp in replacement for the world’s fattest man, Buddy Samcos.
The original plan was to drop Buddy at the 50-yard line at halftime of the game, completely covered with advertisements from sponsors. This was to be the “mother of all publicity stunts” as revealed by Buddy’s agent Sirus Turnkey. Sirus had worked out a deal with CBS and said, “When millions of TV viewers all over the world see Buddy lowered down out of the sky, it will be the most spectacular moment ever aired.”
Due to Buddy’s infatuation with food – his 4,028 pound frame is a testament to that – he has reneged on his deal and chosen to pursue a string of food eating contests in Europe. CBS was left out in the dark and with all their eggs in one basket. Scrambling to keep the event alive, one anonymous CBS executive said, “I’ve got it! Lets get Rex Ryan to fill in due to his bonehead ‘bird’ incident.”
When asked about this punishment, Rex Ryan seemed not at all bothered by it. “Are you kidding me?! This is a great turn of events and everyone is going to be thrilled to be looking at this devilishly handsome man at halftime. It’ll also give me the most opportune time to promote the Jets superbowl parade for 2011. It’s going to be great!” Biff only had this to say, “I’m going to be at the edge of my seat waiting for this spectacle to happen!” Enjoy the game and don’t miss the halftime show.