NASHVILLE, TN – You can get into Heaven no matter how many mistakes you’ve made in life, by following a simple 12-step plan!
The plan, which was devised by a panel of renowned religious thinkers, actually counteracts a sinful past by encouraging godly behavior and attitudes. The experts say if you accept Jesus and adopt the salvation scheme, you can be sure your chances of going to Heaven are 100%.
“This plan has been hammered out point by point, and we can say with absolute certainty that it includes the essentials of salvation,” said the Rev. Jesse Hocher, expert in early Christianity and author of a book on the Ten Commandments called God’s Will. “Anyone who accomplishes these simple steps can look forward to earning God’s forgiveness and spending eternity in Paradise.”
Rev. Hocher and two other noted experts – preacher Paul Richardson and professor of Christian philosophy Dr. Jeff Koontz – spent two years working over the plan, which has received considerable publicity. The men say the plan adds greater certainty to a person’s chances of eternal happiness, and they hope their work will get wide distribution.
Here, for Weekly World News readers, are their steps to a Heavenly afterlife:
1. Pray often: Prayer is an open line to God and makes Him aware of your devotion.
2. Cherish all God’s creatures: You might even consider becoming a vegetarian to avoid harming living beings.
3. Clean up your thoughts and speech: Don’t allow filthy words or ideas to clutter your mind, which must be kept clear to receive God’s word.
4. Wear religious symbols: Covering your body in jewelry or clothing that calls attention to God’s glory is a way of including religion in every moment of your life.
5. Free yourself from money concerns: Stop trying to earn more, to save more, to buy more. You should be concentrating on storing up good deeds for the afterlife.
6. Read the Bible daily: The pure word of God acts as a balm, soothing frustrations and angers that might get you into trouble.
7. Eliminate bad habits: Have a therapist hypnotize you, or ask a friend to help – but by all means, stamp out negative behaviors.
8. Stay physically spotless: Bathe often, keep your teeth sparkling, trim your hair. Your body is God’s temple and you should show Him how much you value it.
9. Give to the church: If you are generous with God while you live, He’ll be generous with you when you die.
10. Repent your sins: Look over your past and admit your sins, then ask God to forgive each one. Do this with every sin, as far back as you remember, until you have covered as many as possible. Once you’ve cleaned your slate in this way, try to sin no more – and to ask forgiveness immediately if you slip up.
11. Settle scores: Ask for forgiveness from people you have wronged, take responsibility for past mistakes.
12. Be patient: Do not judge yourself or others, and understand that God has His own plans. Once you are on the right path, stay on it no matter what – and you will end up at God’s side on Judgment Day.
What a pile of crap.
Considering step 4, wearing religious symbols, I was expecting to see an ad for a rosary company or something at the end of the article.
Greetings brothers and sisters in the name of our sweet LARD butter-rum.
Why each and every step was carefully weighed against the feather of Ma'at and found to be as light as granny's buttermilk biscuits. Batteries not included, mileage may vary. Praise Useless for the Da'at-felt advice.
Bro. Chas
Church of Paula Deen's Krispr Kreme Donut Bread Pudding with Butter-Rum Sauce (and a full pound of confectioner's sugar poured over the top as a diabetic treat)
“But even if we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to what we have preached to you, he is to be accursed!” (Galatians 1:8).
This is incorrect on so many levels. And it’s concerning that this is the 5th website when you google how to get to heaven