KANSAS CITY, OK – With the economy still in recovery, Wal-Mart and other stores are using hypnosis to keep people buying!
Witnesses are reporting some of the most calm Black Friday shopping crowds in memory. Docile masses have filled the stores and shopping malls of America today, and buying more than they have in years. A new corporate policy involving hypnotism is believed to be the cause.
Hypnotic suggestions are being put into the muzak played at many stores around the country. After a certain amount of time in the store customers become highly relaxed, as they fall into a state of hypnotic trance. Soon shoppers are responding to the suggestions to remain calm, and keep buying.
“We felt this was our duty to America,” said Wal-Mart spokesman Herb Albert. “People are still nervous to spend as much as they should on a day like today. By helping people spend more, we’re giving our economy the shot in the arm it so desperately needs.”
Spending is up drastically today compared to recent years. With the day not even done, overall spending is up 186% from 2008. Urged by suggestion, lower and middle income families are making major purchases with credit cards and layaway in a trend that economists say could have no negative consequences.
“Whatever it takes to learn some manners,” said Elaine Buckberry, a 76 year old shopper from Chackatutchee, Tennessee. “Last year I was getting knocked and pushed around so much, it was just horrible. This year is so much better! Everyone’s real quite and minding their own. I just turn down my hearing aide when I walk in the store, go about my business, and that’s it!”
Shoppers wishing to refrain from being hypnotized are suggested to wear earplugs while out today, and to avoid muzak at all costs.