In this week’s installment, we look at the life of the most envied of these lesser known saints.We present:
Saint Zoe the Size Zero
Patron Saint of Skinny Bitches
Saint Zoe died in 1983, in Los Angeles California. Zoe originally came to Los Angeles to be a actress or model, and joined the church when she could no longer pay her rent. Her performance career had only amounted to a cameo role on Charlie’s Angels and a handful of adult features.
In her ministry Zoe would stand at bus stations, and convince bright eyed naive youths to go back to their homes in Middle America. Once hearing her stories from inside the business many an aspiring actor or model instead went to college and became productive members of society.
Zoe was the envy of all the sisters in her monestary for maintaing her size zero from her modelling days. To help keep in shape she taught aerobics classes to drug addicts who needed something to focus their energy on. Her diminutive frame helped her reach out to many wayward youths who would never listen to “frumpy old ladies.” When the church was in need of extra money she would occasionally model jeans at a photo shoot, but always kept on the habit covering her head. This caused a brief fad of wearing jeans with nun-wear in the late seventies.
One day a confused child came to Sister Zoe’s church crying and seeking sanctuary. He had a briefcase filled with cocaine and the police were following him seeking an arrest. Seeing the genuine remorse in the childs eyes Zoe took up the briefcase, and inhaled its entire contents. Her face took on a glow as if she had a halo, and when the police arrived they let the boy go in awe of her countenance. Zoe stayed awake for 2 weeks and singlehandedly repaired the churches dilapidated roof.
To this day Saint Zoe is the Patron Saint of skinny bitches, aspiring actors and models, and aerobics classes.
You can pay homage to Saint Zoe, or any of the forgotten saints, by grabbing a rice cake and acquiring the Saint Misbehavin’ guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.