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Bigfoot Duck Hunting!


SUMTER, S.C. — Brothers Luke and Rob Wiley were sitting by Sumter Lake early one morning, preparing their duck decoys, when they heard loud footsteps in the woods behind them. “We assumed it was another hunter,” said Rob. “I told the idiot to stop making so much noise or he’d frighten the ducks. That’s when we heard a roar — and knew our assumption was not correct.”

The bellowing came from none other than Bigfoot. When we last reported on the shaggy giant, he was stomping grapes after crashing a wine tasting. However, like any Sasquatch, he quickly tired of that activity and continued his aimless, lonely journey. “We froze when we saw who — or rather ‘what’ — it was,” said Luke Wiley. “As he approached I was too scared to raise my gun. Also, the odor of him was kinda distracting. He smelled like week-old garbage.”

When Bigfoot reached the two hunters, he did a surprising thing. He grabbed one of the duck decoys and popped it in his mouth. After chewing on the painted wood for several seconds, he spit it out in anger. “He was obviously hungry,” said Wiley. “Before he could pound us in frustration, we desperately pointed at the live ducks that had landed in the lake. When Bigfoot saw them, he bounded after them.”

Unfortunately, his wild splashing alerted the ducks. They flew away before Bigfoot could catch them. Turning, the dejected Sasquatch lumbered back toward the hunters. “He was too dispirited to pound us,” said Rob. “We decided to teach him how to catch his dinner. It’s always better to have Bigfoot as your friend than your enemy. First, we showed him how to use a duck whistle,” said Luke. “Bigfoot seemed amused by the sound. Now that his savage breast had been soothed, we turned to the surviving decoy.”

Working gingerly, Rob Wiley tied the wooden duck to Bigfoot’s head. “Then I waded into the water to show him what he had to do,” Rob said. “With his huge lung capacity, we knew Bigfoot would be able to go underwater and stay down long enough for the ducks to return.” Bigfoot understood the pantomime. The hunters watched as the decoy-wearing Sasquatch moved to the center of the lake and submerged. “The ducks returned shortly thereafter,” Luke said. “When they did, Bigfoot burst from the water and grabbed six of the little beauties in his big hands. Still wearing the decoy he slogged toward us carrying his quacking, struggling prize.”

Then, according to Rob, a strange thing happened. “Bigfoot came ashore and gazed at the waterfowl trapped in his big, hairy paws,” Rob said. “He suddenly looked very sad. With a big sigh, he opened his fingers and let the ducks fly away.” “His actions made us question our own pastime,” added Luke. “Perhaps it was wrong to shoot these innocent creatures for sport. After all, Bigfoot could have killed us, but didn’t.”

The former hunters offered Bigfoot a beer to send him on his way. Having acquired a taste for alcohol at the winery, he drank several cans before stomping off, belching loudly. “I hope we haven’t seen the last of the big guy,” Luke said. “After guzzling all our beer, he made us rethink drinking as well. He’s been a very good influence.”

Wherever Bigfoot shows up next, you can count on Weekly World News to be there with an exclusive report.