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ALL SAINTS THURSDAY: THE FORNICATOR


saint_amnesia

Weekly World News brings you perhaps the “friendliest” woman in this holy feature on lesser known saints.

For this installment, we bring you:

Saint Amnesia the Fornicator
Patron Saint of Champagne Fountains and Party Blackouts

Saint Amnesia lived in France in early 20th century.  She had the distinct privilege of being invited to many society balls, officially as a church emissary to the social elite, but really because of her extreme beauty.  Unfamiliar with customs, she was taken with a champagne fountain at the center of the floor.  When she was asked to take a glass, she reached for the closest one, at the base of the fountain.  Miraculously the fountain remained upright, bending the laws of physics until Amnesia gracefully put her glass back, saying “Did I do something wrong?”

Saint Amnesia took solemn vows of chastity upon entering her order.  However finishing a bottle of champagne herself Amnesia seduced two of the servant boys at once.  The following day the two boys were cured of their scurvy and Amnesia remembered nothing.  She woke up naked in a public fountain very confused.  Realizing what she’d done she prayed intensely for forgiveness, until a miracle restored her virginity and right to stay in the monastery.

As the society balls continued, this happened several times: Amnesia would get drunk and seduce the help.  They would be cured and she would remember nothing.  Then she would pray and her virginity was magically restored each time.  At a particularly bawdy get together Saint Amnesia was walked home by a couple of angels, and Amnesia stumbled straight into Heaven.

Today Saint Amnesia is the Patron Saint of champagne fountains, party blackouts, and penicillin.

You can pay homage to Saint Chenille, or any of the forgotten saints, by grabbing that champagne bottle and acquiring the Saint Misbehavin’ guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.

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