ATHENS, GA – Kim Jong Il has been sighted at a record store in Athens, Georgia.

North Korea’s formerly deceased communist dictator was seen perusing used records at Wuxtry, the same store where the band R.E.M. was formed

Notably absent from the public eye for months, Kim Jong Il has been recently been spotted in small towns throughout the American heartland. North Korean officials deny these claims, sating “Preposterous! Our Glorious Leader is dead, working tirelessly for the people from the afterlife.”

Here he is relaxing in his Georgia apartment:

Although attempting to blend in, Kim Jong Il attracted unwanted attention when he began happily singing along to Dave Matthews’ “Under the Table and Dreaming” at a listening station.

After nearly two hours of careful consideration he left the store with albums by Tom Waits, Neutral Milk Hotel, and Johnny Cash on vinyl. Before leaving he picked up a flier for a house party at the nearby University of Georgia. Investigation has yet to conclude whether the communist leader attended the kegger.

 Asian women share tips on how to catch a man and keep him happy.

For generations Asian women learned how to treat a man by following rules laid down by Thai philosopher Sunthron Phu in his book Maxims for Teaching Women.  Now they’ve taken his words of wisdom that have been passsed down fro more than 2,000 years and updated them to deal with men in 2012.

Here are the winning recommendations for Western women who want to trade be successful in love and marriage:

1) YOUR MAN IS KING - Remember that your man/husband comes first – before you, your parents, your outside interests or even your children.

2) RISE EARLY.  Get up in the morning before your man does.  Make sure you prepare a healthy breakfast so he gets a good stare on the day.

3) NEVER NAG.   Never, ever. If he wants to stop off after work and have a few drinks with his buddies, that’s his business.

4)  BE AT HOME.  Make sure you’re always at home when he gets in from a hard day at the office.  Even you are working, make sure you get home to your man/husband as soon as possible.

5)  SMILE.   Always greet your man with a smile on your face and, if you can, a cold drin in your hand.

6)  DINNER READY.    If you are home or get home first, always have a delcious dinner ready to be served. And if he comes home feeling tense, give him a massage to ease his aches and pains.

7)  LET HIM HANG WITH FRIENDS.  If your man wants to have his buddies over for a night of poker, or football, or video games, don’t  get mad. Encourage it and make sure you’ve got lots of sandwiches and cold beer on hand to serve them.

8)  ASK FIRST.  Always ask him first before you go spending his hard-earned money, or even your hard-earned money, to buy something for yourself.

9)  REMOTE CONTROL.   Let him choose the programs you watch onteleveision.   The television is man’s domain… he should be in charge.  And only Netflix/rent HIS  favorite movies.

10) OBEY.  Don’t do things your husband doesn’t approve of.  If he doesn’t want you wasting tyour time watching soap operas or having coffee with a neighbor, obey him.  You’ll both be happier for it.

11)  WILD IN BED.  Be a temptress in bed.  I fhe likes you in sexy lingerie, wear it.  Be shy and demure when you’re out in public, but once the lights are out, let him know he’s the only man in the world who can please you.

12)  KNOW SPORTS.  Bone up on sports so you’ll have something to talk about. But always let him start the conversation.

13) KEEP FIT. Keep yourself in shape and always dress nicely so you’ll be a wife any husband would be proud to have.

14)  CLEANING.  Keep your home spic and span at all times.  It should look like you’re expecting company.  And the laundry should always be done.  Your man  should never have to look for clean socks or underwear and his shirts should all be ironed – by you.

Follow ALL these steps and you will be happy for the rest of your life!

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COLUMBUS, OH – One Ohio zoo-owner is slicing costs in a unique way.
Rockford Park Zoo owner Dave Bell, like any businessman, has faced some tough choices in recent years. As economic woes threatened the zoo he spent a lifetime building, Bell found salvation in an unlikely source: pizza.

“One of the most expensive parts of running a zoo is buying specialized food for each species of animal we have,” Bell said. “but then I thought, ‘Hey,why not just let them eat pizza? I love pizza.’”

Rockford Park Zoo saved nearly $130,000 in 2011 by switching over to the new, all-pizza diet for the zoo’s varied inhabitants. Forming a partnership with Fabio’s, a family-owned joint located only two blocks away from the zoo, Bell created a feeding system of “4 slices for every 10 pounds, twice a day” at a discounted cost per box. Though many have lauded the financial savvy of the decision, the zoo’s move has not gone without criticism.

“It’s horrifying,” said one animal expert. “You have hundreds of different creatures with different needs, appetites and digestion processes. What happens when an animal becomes sick? What if this baboon doesn’t like pepperoni?”

Bell maintains that the zoo’s detractors are not “seeing the big picture.”  He likens the process of acclimatizing the animals to their new diet to his own childhood.

“My mother always said to eat my peas. And after a while, I started to like them. So, there you go.”

As hundreds file into the Rockford Park Zoo daily, many have cited an improvement in the customers’ experience as yet another advantage to Bell’s plan. Bell claims its due to a common bond created by seeing another species consuming their favorite meal.

“People love seeing different animals enjoy what they enjoy,” Bell said. “Look at that tiger — he loves that pizza!”

Religious leaders will soon reveal the location of this sacred place.

“There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bore children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.”
~ King James Bible

There may have been giants upon the Earth, a very long time ago, in our prehistory. This concept connects to the highly controversial quote above from the Bible. This quote has been the subject of much controversy through the ages

Now, in 2012, religious leaders will announce the location of The Footprint of God.  It will soon become the most popular religious site on the planet.

Here’s a video clip of the Footprint of God:

NASA scientists reportedly have confirmed that the planet Nibiru will collide with Earth in July of 2012.

The Nibiru collision with Earth in 2012 had been predicted for a while, but astrophysicists, cosmologists and astronomers around the world have come to a consensus that Earth will collide with the planet, which lies just outside Pluto.

Nibiru, in Babylonian Astronomy translates to “Planet of Crossing” or “Point of Transition”, especially of rivers, i.e. river crossings or ferry-boats, a term of the highest point of the ecliptic, i.e. the point of summer solstice, and its associated constellation. The establishment of the Nibiru point is described in tablet 5 of the Enuma Elish. Its cuneiform sign was often a cross, or various winged disc. The Sumerian culture was located in the fertile lands between the Euphrates and Tigris rivers, at the southern part of today’s Iraq.

As the highest point in the paths of the planets, Nibiru was considered the seat of the summus deus who pastures the stars like sheep, in Babylon identified with Marduk. This interpretation of Marduk as the ruler of the cosmos was identified as an early monotheist tendency in Babylonian religion by Alfred Jeremias.

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama said The U.S. Constitution is out-of-date, so he is ripping it up and writing a new one.

President Barack Obama told reporters last night that the U.S. Constitution has become a hindrance to progress in America.  “The document is so out-dated, that it is now becoming a hindrance to governing the country.”

Obama said that he has signed an Executive Order voiding the U.S. Constitution.  “We need to move forward.  We need change.”

Obama said he has already drafted a new constitution and that Americans “will love what I came up with.”   Insiders say that Obama is keeping a lot of old elements from the original constitution “he’s just making it better, bringing it into the 21st century,” said White House Spokesman, Jay Carney.

Many Democrats said that President Obama was a constitutional scholar and probably the only President – since the Founding Fathers – who is qualified to change the Constitution.

“President Obama knows more about the Constitution than  any man who has ever lived,” said Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.  “It’s about time we changed that document and we are lucky to have President Obama to do it.”

Republicans, of course, were outraged that Obama would even consider changing the constitution, and they vowed to fight.   “We will fight this to the bitter end,” said Speaker of the House, John Boehner, “there’s no way we are going to let the Constitution of the United States be altered even a little bit.   If there are changes to be made to the Constitution it should be done the appropriate way – through amendments and we think Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor are the ones to make any changes.”

Insiders say the new Constitution will look a lot like the constitutions of Kenya, France and Soviet Russia.

There are many, many changes in the New U.S. Constitution, but here are a few of the highlights.

1) SUPREME COURT – Will now have 11 members, which reflects the growing U.S. population. President Obama will appoint two new members immediately.  The President can name a new justice without needing the approval of Congress.

2) EXECUTIVE FINANCIAL POWER – The President will have the power to unilaterally enact any financial policy he chooses, without approval of Congress.  He must inform them, but they will not “stop” him (or her) from promoting their agenda.

3) LOBBYISTS – They will now be outlawed. There will be no more lobbyists in Washington.  However, there are some exemptions outlined in the New Constitution” :  Trial Lawyers, National Education Association and unions.  They will all be able to lobby.

4) REPRESENTATION – California, New York and Illinois will double the number of representatives in Congress – permanently.  “The President feels that the smartest people in the country live in these states, so they should be over-represented,” said Jay Carney.

5) GUNS & RELIGION – Both will be banned in the United States.

COLOGNE, Germany – This may be the most important find since the Dead Sea Scrolls!

Researchers have at last completed their translation of the so-called “Bethlehem Prophecies “a remarkable message said to have been written by the Three Wise Men who visited Jesus at his birth.

The 2,000-year-old document contains a dozen specific warnings, which are traditionally believed to have been delivered to the Wise Men by an angel in divinely inspired dreams.

“This is one of the most important documents in Christendom, as significant as the Dead Sea Scrolls,” sai Father Gaston Beytout, who has been working on the translation for seven years.

“Two of the prophesies it contains have already come true – including a warning about the Holocaust.  And it tells us of a host of events to take place between now and the year 2015.”

Here, translated into modern English, are the 12 Bethlehem Prophecies:

1.  After performing many miracles, the Messiah shall be betrayed by one who is close to Him and shall be put to death.  ”This prophecy, of course, was fulfilled with the crucifixion of Jesus,” said Ft. Beytout.

2. The people of Israel shall be dispersed to the four corners of the world.  In a land to the north many will die at the hand of a cruel warrior.  And the number slain shall be six thousand times one hundred times ten. “This appears to foretell the Holocaust in which Hitler exterminated an estimated six million Jews,” said Fr. Beytout.

3. A group of stars in the shape of a sword shall appear in the heavens.  This will be a sign that a great war is about to begin.

4.  A second Flood, greater than the first, shall inundate the Earth. Even mighty Egypt and the deserts around her will come to lie beneath the sea.

5.  Men shall become as women and women shall become as men. “Experts do in fact warn that pollution is affecting hormone levels among both men and women,”  Fr. Beytout observed.  ”The result could well be some kind of “unisex” version of the human race.”

6. Learned men will create an abomination.  This creature shall have the head of a man and the body of a sheep, and the cunning of a wolf.  It will breed more of its foul kind and they drink the blood of children.  ”This may be a prediction about DNA research gone awry,” suggest Fr. Beytout.

7.  A false prophet will preach the blasphemy that the sun is to be worshipped as God.  Many shall desert the religion of their fathers and follow him.

8. Out of Mesopotamia (modern-day Iraq) seven great plagues will emerge. One of these plagues will infect on e part of mankind in four, making them blind and causeing tehir eyes to bleed.

9.  A city in the most powerful nation of the earth, named for a pagan god, will be destroyed and covered with snow.  Said Fr. Beytout: “According to many experts the city of Juneau, Alaska – which soulds like the name of Roman goddess Juno – sits in the path of a potential avalanche.

10.  In the same nation a great hole shall open up and swallow the second Babylon.  ”Many people see Hollywood as modern Babylon,” said Fr. Beytout. “This may be a warming of an impending sinkhole catastrophe.”

11. The number of sinners in Hell shall grow so great it will become overcrowded.  The dead shall then walk the Earth and take up arms against the living.

12. The Beast shall rise up and conquer all the land and the sea to the horizon and even the land and sea beyond the horizon, “said Fr. Beytout. “The Wise men are apparently warning us that the Ant-Chris will enslave mankind – everywhere in the world.

Residents of Chelyabinsk, Russia,were interviewed on national TV about a UFO they’d witnessed.

Tom Rose of Gather.com reports that residents saw  a circular, unidentified flying object ringed by flashing lights which didn’t look like any known aircraft.

The remoteness of the area made the possibility of some kind of satellite or weather balloon or military aircraft, unlikely.

Since the interviews, Russian authorities working closely with the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials has confirmed that the alien spaceship was from Planet Zeeba.  “The Zeebans have come to earth to help us make our planet better and to help us fight against the Gootans,” said Dr. Susan Begley of the United Nations.

In the TV news piece it’s clear what the witnesses are saying to the reporter, even without translation.  The footage shows the area in which the UFO was flying at night and shows that, in the daylight, it’s obviously a frozen wilderness and not any kind of an airfield.  The eyewitnesses mention seeing several Zeebans near the sight of the UFO.

There were hundreds of dead rabbits in the area and one resident blamed it on the Zeebans.

But it actually was a pack of wolves that killed the rabbits.

Another resident couldn’t stop laughing after seeing the Zeebans:

The witnesses in the video (an elderly farmer and a worried husband and wife with several children) appear to be remarking how the object was circular and that they feel a bit spooked by the incident. In the description written by the YouTube poster, there is the comment that the villagers were losing sleep over the encounter, but when Dr. Begley (working with an interpreter) told them that the Zeebans meant them no harm, they all calmed down.

Dr. Begley has sent a team of Extraterrestrial Therapists to Chelyabinsk to deal with the encounters.

Reporting/story by award-winning reporter:  Tom Rose, Gather.com.

Here’s the footage of the Russian interviews in Chelyabinsk:

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors on Tuesday agreed to institute fines for surfing.  Average fine: $5,000.

In a 598-page ordinance, the county board specified precisely what is and is not allowed on LA beaches during the summertime — and any object other than a beach ball or volleyball is out.   Throwing a football or a Frisbee is considered illegal beach activity, but the board’s move upped the fine for violations to a whopping $2,000.

“It is unlawful for any person to cast, toss, throw, kick or roll any ball, tube, or any light object other than a beach ball or beach volleyball upon or over any beach at any time,” the ordinance states.

No more of this dangerous act:

The biggest shock was the Board banned surfing – the sport most associated with L.A.!!

“We’ve had too many injuries and some beaches have begun dangerous because certain Surfer Gangs refuse to allow other non-gang members to surf.  For the safety of all Los Angeles citizens, whether near the beach or inland, we hearby ban all surfing, surfboard, wetsuits, surfboard shops and surfing music,” the ordinance reads.

There was an uproar from a number of surfing enthusiasts outside City Hall, but it did’t last long because they forgot why they were there.  But, eyewitnesses say they looked upset.

Here’s a typical LA Surfer gang:

The Board of Supervisors is looking at banning bathing suits and suntan lotion as well.  ”Bathing suits cause all sorts of problems on the beach.  Many people have been injured when there bathing suits have accidentally fallen down or when they were staring at someone else’s bathing suit or bikini, thus causing an accident.  Bathing suits are dangerous.”

Smoking on beaches was banned in 2008.  And look how dangerous this is:

Will running on the beach be banned?  Biking?  Breathing? WWN asked the Board of Supervisors and they said… “Look, you guys are trying to make this into some kind of joke, but we need to keep our citizens safe and the safest place for them is out of the sun, off the beach and in a dark room with no frisbees, footballs or surfers.”

California here I come…