HOLBROOK, AZ – A group of 21 aliens has taken refuge in the heart of the Petrified Forest National Park – and they’re asking President Obama for asylum!

“They came to Earth to escape religious persecution on their own planet,” says attorney Betty Montrose, who represents the extraterrestrial immigrants. “And they’ve settled here in America because of our reputation as the ‘great melting pot.’

“Although their technology is light-years ahead of our own, the government on their home planet is tyrannical and cruel. They’ve come hoping to build a new life here in the land of the free.

“And I’m acting as their counsel. So far we’ve had two visits with President Obama, but nothing has been decided yet.”

Mrs. Montrose, who retired from her law practice and moved here in 2003, will not reveal the exact location where the aliens wait, hoping against hope that the government will grant them political asylum. But their settlement is somewhere in the Petrified Forest, north of the Zuni Indian Reservation.

Mrs. Montrose is determined to win them the right to stay here. But she’s not without her critics.

“We have enough freeloaders flooding the borders,” says one Arizona state official.

“Why should hardworking Americans be asked to pick up the tab for yet another group of maladjusted outsiders?”

But Mrs. Montrose calls the criticisms unfair and biased. “These beings are intelligent, well-behaved and law-aiding,” the lawyer told reporters. “And unlike some others who are seeking citizenship, they speak perfect English.”

Some experts foresee serious psychological problems for the refugees themselves if Obama okays their request.

“The difficulties of integrating themselves into our culture will put great stress on them,” says a therapist who has interviewed the alien delegation. “Their entire lives have been spent in a totally different world. It will take them five or six generations to adapt.”

President Obama has not commented on the situation. But Washington sources expect a decision by early January.

CLEVELAND, OH – The victim of this year’s infamous chimp attack has finally revealed her face to the public.

Charla Nash, 56, was the victim of a vicious chimpanzee attack earlier this year. While visiting her friend Sandra Herold, Herold’s pet chimp attacked Nash, presumably because he did not recognize her due to a recent hair cut.

Nash lost her hands, nose, eyes, lips, some facial bone structure, and also received some brain damage.

Nash has spent the rest of the year at the Cleveland Clinic, where she has received further surgery to try and repair the damage left to her face.

Knowing that photographers were after her for the first ever post-attack photo, Nash decided to reveal herself on her own terms. She invited Oprah Winfrey to the clinic for her first on-air interview. She removed the hat and veil she usually hides behind, for fear of startling others.

Warning: the video may be disturbing to some.

In celebration of Veterans Day, check out these facts you may have never heard before.

1. November 11 was originally called Armistice Day, and was set aside to honor veterans of World War I. The date became a national holiday in 1938. Congress changed it to Veterans Day in 1954, and decreed that it would celebrate veterans of all wars.

2. World War I ended 91 years ago, in 1918, and only one American soldier is still alive, according to the Department of Veterans Affairs. His name is Frank Woodruff Buckles, born in 1901 in Missouri. He went on to also serve in World War II, where he was captured by the Japanese and spent three years in a prison camp before being rescued. The last surviving female WWI veteran died in 2007. She lived to be 109 years old, and was buried with full military honors.

3. What they were fighting for: Frederick’s of Hollywood, the pioneer of eye-popping ladies’ underwear, was founded by World War II veteran Frederick Mellinger. He started the company as a mail-order business in 1946, and based his line of lingerie on what his Army buddies had told him their girlfriends would like – or maybe on what they wanted their girlfriends to like!

4. Over fifty years after the fighting officially ended, 8,176 Korean War troops are still officially listed as missing in action.

5. The haunting Vietnam Veterans Memorial was first proposed by Jan Scruggs, a 29-year-old Vietnam veteran from Bowie, Md. He began a fund-raising campaign for the memorial in May 1979, using $2,800 of his own money.

LONDON – TV channel Sky One broadcast a live seance where the host tried to contact Michael Jackson’s ghost!

Sky One, a British cable channel, held a special program called “Michael Jackson: The Live Seance.” Derek Acorah, a famous British medium, hosted the event.

He rounded up a group of Michael Jackson fans, and set up the seance in a house in Ireland that Jackson stayed at a few years ago.

Success or trainwreck?

Check out a clip below and decide for yourself:

HANOVER, NH – Steven Tyler is leaving Aerosmith.  He is doing so after losing a duel with Joe Perry.

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has admitted he is leaving the band to persue “other projects.”  Insiders confirm that he is leaving after losing a duel with Joe Perry earlier this week.  Perry was challenged to a duel after saying that Tyler is beginnign to show his 180 years of age.

The band Aerosmith was formed in Boston, 1970.  However Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, and Tom Hamilton have been playing together since the 1850s.  While touring the south with their original band “Mr. Tyler’s Feelgood Ragtime Band” the trio came across the Fountain of Youth.

Using the fountain’s powers the trio stayed alive and continued to make music into the 20th century.  In the late 80’s Tyler lost the land rights to the fountain in a deal with Geffen records, and has since slowly begun to show his age.  Hamilton and Perry have begun aging as well, albeit more slowly due to the regular use of moisturizer.

In a private recording studio earlier this week Joe Perry warned Tyler against touring again, saying that his appearance was starting to raise suspicion.  Tyler called Perry a “scallywag” and demanded he take the comment back.  Perry refused, saying “I shall not sir, for by my honor it is the truth.”  Tyler removed his beaded scarf and slapped Perry in the face with it “Then we shall settle this like gentlemen!  Good day sir!”  The challenge was set and the two were to duel at dawn the following day with pistols, with their roadies acting as seconds.

Dawn the following day the two men met on the great lawn of Tyler’s ranch.  The terms were set, if Perry won Tyler would leave the band and they would continue to tour unimpeded.  If Tyler won he would continue as frontman, with a rewrite to their rider taking away Perry’s beloved stinking cheeses and promising Tyler regular botox injections.  At the ranch, Perry provided his family’s dueling pistols.  According to custom each man stood facing apart, took several steps, turned, and fired.  Tyler’s shot was wildly off, owing in no small part to having received a glass eye in Saigon.  Perry shot Steven’s left earring off, drawing first blood and winning the duel.

Keeping their agreement Aerosmith has begun looking for a replacement singer.  Steven Tyler has said he will either work on a solo album, or retire to the country to write poetry.

Today is Veteran’s Day, when we take a minute between 50% off mattress sales and Hitler Channel marathons to remember all the brave men who fought for America!

Your old friend Ed Anger is one of those vets. I fought on Pork Chop Hill, to keep half of Korean un-Communist first and anti-American later, like we did with the rest of the world!

I got frostbite and ate bad food so that the most boring of all the slanty-eyed countries could stay boring and eat cats and buy lots of weird plastic toys or whatever they do over there.

And what thanks do we get, America? None! All the people we fought still hate us. And all the people we saved hate us too! That, or we owe them all money.

All we have are each other, my fellow Americans – and I’m not too sure about maybe half of us.

So was it all worth it? When I see the Communist-in-Chief in the White House, turning the Rose Garden into a marijuana farm for his unicorn, I’m not too sure.

What was the point of shooting and beating up all those hippies and Black Panthers if we were just gonna turn around and give them government jobs?

Sometimes I wonder, America. But as long as there’s a little air left in my rusty old oxygen tank, your friend Ed will be here, fighting the good fight!

ORLANDO, FL – The astronaut at the center of 2007’s bizarre NASA love triangle has agreed to a plea bargain.

Lisa Nowak is a former NASA astronaut who had a two-year long affair with fellow astronaut William Oefelein. Oefelein broke it off near the end of 2006, as he began to see Colleen Shipman, an engineer.

Nowak soon became obsessed with ending their relationship, to the point where she drove straight from Houston, Texas to Orlando, Florida to confront Shipman. She brought latex gloves, a wig, pepper spray, a hammer, garbage bads, a BB pistol and an 8-inch knife. Authorities said she also wore adult diapers in order to cut out any rest stop breaks, but Nowak has adamantly denied this.

Nowak found Shipman parked in the Orlando International Airpot parking lot, and slapped the window, asking for a ride. When Shipman lowered the window, Nowak sprayed pepper spray inside. Shipman quickly drove off and contacted police, who arrested Nowak trying to throw out evidence.

Although she was intially charged with attempted murder and attempted kidnapping, today Nowak entered a guilty plea to lesser charges of burglary and misemeanor battery. Her lawyer stated she suffered from major depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, insomnia and “brief psychotic disorder” at the time of the crime.

She has been sentenced to a year of probation and 50 hours of community service. She must also write a letter of apology to Shipman, who was certain Nowak always intended to kill her.

ST. LOUIS, MO – Growing hysteria over 2012 has led to a stunning new book that reveals Jesus’ words as coded prophecies!

Dr. Wayne Stanton is a mathematician and leading expert on the four gospels – Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Using a complex system based on numbers that recur in the Bible and Aramaic letters in words spoken by Jesus, Dr. Stanton has arrived at a formula he says shows that Jesus’ words carry a deeper meaning than anyone ever dreamed.

In the untitled upcoming book, Dr. Stanton writes: “Jesus was talking on two levels. On the first level, He was teaching us about the Kingdom of Heaven and how to achieve it.

“But beneath the surface, when His words are mathematically analyzed, He is also telling us about future events.

“Some of these events are exciting and optimistic – such as a wonderful rain that will fall in Southern Asia in 2011 and heal millions of sick and handicapped people.

“But he doesn’t spare us the bad news, telling us exactly how and when the world will end – a 2012 war that will end in great nuclear fire in 2014.”

Dr. Stanton, 40, takes a whole chapter of the book to explain the complex code and how he applies it.

Basically, it involves the twelfth, seventh and third letters in Jesus’ words and using them to form new words. The numbers 12, 7 and 3 are believed to be special numbers because they occur over and over again throughout the Bible.

Dr. Stanton says Christ’s coded messages correctly revealed 27 things that have already taken place, including:

- The stock market crashes of 1929 and 2008

- The Vietnam War

- The AIDS epidemic

- The first moon landing in 1969

Here are a few more of the startling prophesies as disclosed by the code:

2010 – A comet will pass so close to Earth that temperatures will hit 140 degrees in some countries. Millions will die. The event will cause panic among millions more who will think the world is about to end.

2010 – As a result, all the countries of the world will come together in peace and form a single government to repair the damage.

2011- Unrest will begin to undermine the government and the friction will worsen over the next four years.

2012 – An angel will come to Earth and warn manking to prepare for the End Times. But few will listen. Most will believe it’s a hoax.

2014- Finally, an evil leader will emerge and lead a band of rebels in an attempt to overthrow the government. The resulting civil war will be fought with nuclear weapons.

The war will escalate and rage out of control. Late in the year, bombs will destroy the Earth!

Stanton explains, “Over and over in the New Testament, Jesus punctuates His remarks by saying, ‘those who have ears, let them hear.’

“He was telling us, in effect, ‘I’m saying more than is apparent here. And it’s not intended for everyone – only for those who can handle the truth.’

“But I believe the time has now come to make these prophecies public so manking can prepare.”

SESAME STREET – Cookie Monster was interviewed by popular site Rocket Boom, and he confirmed he is the source of a popular Internet meme!

In celebration of the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street’s debut, Cookie Monster was interviewed by Rocketboom’s field correspondent Ella Morton. He made sure to deny the rumor that he was done with eating cookies.

Morton also asked him about the popular Internet meme “om nom nom nom”, which is the phrased used to describe something delicious or someone eating voraciously. He confirmed he is the originator!

Take a look:

NEW YORK, NY – An arbitration panel ruled in favor of the owner of a Glenn Beck parody site.

Isaac Eiland-Hall of Florida was tired of TV host Glenn Beck’s “I’m just asking the questions” attitude. He decided to create a site that would put Beck’s style to the test.

The website was controversially called glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com

The joke originates from comedian Gilbert Gottfried’s act at Bob Saget’s Comedy Central Roast. During his bit, he repeatedly stated “Bob Saget raped and murdered a girl in 1990,” which is absolutely false.

A commenter on news site Fark.com asked, “Why haven’t we had an official response to the rumor that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990?” The joke spread to other sites, and eventually became Eiland-Hall’s chosen domain name.

Glenn Beck did not find this funny, and filed a complaint with the World Intellectual Property Organization, claiming it improperly used a trademark and that the domain name was being used in bad faith. Eiland-Hall’s lawyer filed a response that stated, “The Web site is a legitimate criticism site, consists of political satire, and thus the Respondent has legitimate rights in the domain name.”

The response also referenced an interview an interview Beck conducted with Congressman Keith Ellison, a Muslim, in which he used the same exact tactic: “I like Muslims, I’ve been to mosques… And I have to tell you, I have been nervous about this interview because what I feel like saying is, sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies.”

The panel ruled in favor of Eiland-Hall, stating:

“In the present context, this Panel considers that if Internet users view the disputed domain name in combination with a visit to Respondent’s website, the “total effect” is that of political commentary by Respondent, capable of protection as political speech by the First Amendment under the Hustler Magazine standard.  Respondent appears to the Panel to be engaged in a parody of the style or methodology that Respondent appears genuinely to believe is employed by Complainant in the provision of political commentary, and for that reason Respondent can be said to be making a political statement.  This constitutes a legitimate non-commercial use of Complainant’s mark under the Policy.”

Upon winning the complaint, Eiland-Hall decided to voluntarily hand over the domain to Beck, explaining, “I want to demonstrate to you that I had my lawyer fight this battle only to help preserve the First Amendment. Now that it is safe, at least from you (for the time being), I have no more use for the actual scrap of digital real estate you sought.”

However, a mirror site can be found at http://didglennbeckrapeandmurderayounggirlin1990.com/