WASHINGTON, DC – A message intercepted by NASA’s Pioneer 10 has been leaked, exposing a horrifying invasion that’s been going on for centuries… madmen, murderers and tyrants from other worlds are being dumped on Earth!

And experts claim that most if not all of history’s vilest villains – Attila the Hun, Jack the Ripper, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Jeffrey Dahmer, Osama bin Laden to name a few – came to Earth as criminal exiles from another solar system.

“Alien beings have been doing for hundreds of years exactly what Fidel Castro did in 1980,” declared a U.S. Justice Department official who commented on the condition he not be identified.

“Castro cleaned out his prisons and asylums and sent all his criminals and nut cases to America in the so-called Freedom Boatlift. The only difference is that the space thugs are being dumped all over our planet.

“It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Castro himself is proven to be a space alien, because he probably got the boatlift idea from his home planet!”

The alien message was relayed in 2002 to a Deep Space Network (DSN) monitoring facility in Madrid, Spain, after being intercepted by Pioneer 10, the first craft to leave our solar system and journey into deep space. The message was one of the last to be received before the spacecraft went out of range, however it was kept top-secret until now.

“The transmission actually lists the dates when an exile was brought to Earth,” explained Dr. Larisa Atkov, a professor of history at Moscow University.

“I was amazed to find that the dates coincide more or less with the rise of certain individuals who became noted for their brutality and savagery. For example, an alien was exiled to Europe on Earth date 406 A.D., the same year that  Attila the Hun is believed to have been born.

“On Earth date 1889, an alien was exiled to Austria… the same date and place where the madman Adolf Hitler was born. I was able to make the same comparison with each of the most infamous monster of history.

French geneticist Paul Perrault, a leader in clone research, said the alien exiles undoubtedly have the ability to transform themselves into human-like males or females.

“They apparently can change their outward appearance at will,” he explained. “But they’re unable to alter their evil personalities.

“The world looks at Milwaukee cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer as some kind of inhuman savage because he consumed his murder victims. Well, now we know the truth… he IS inhuman. He’s an exiled space alien.

“There will be others brought to Earth. Every time a UFO is sighted, it’s probably bringing another madman into our lives. All we can hope and pray for is that someday we will find a way to stop them.”

NEW YORK, NY – The country is abuzz over a questionable photo of President Obama checking out a young lady!

President Obama was attending the Junior 8 Summit, which is held in conjunction with the G8 Summit. At a photo op, it appears that President Obama and French President Sarkozy give the 16-year-old Brazilian attendee Mayara Tavares a once-over as she walks by.

But is the picture deceiving?

Good Morning America did an extensive examination of the video footage:

And the winner is…

Congratulations to Victor, and thanks to the readers for voting!

Think you can do better than this? Take a stab at captioning next week’s image over at PictureIsUnrelated.com, these damsels in distress need our help:

WASHINGTON, DC – After shutting down a resolution to honor Michael Jackson this week, Nancy Pelosi was voted House Party Pooper.

Pelosi put an end to a possible resolution that would have paid tribute to the recently deceased musician this week.  She claimed that Congress could express their condolences individually but such a measure would waste valuable government time.  The House then passed a nearly unanimous vote naming Pelosi the House Party Pooper.

The Party Pooper Resolution is merely the culmination of a long string of events in Congress.  Nancy Pelosi voted down Congressional Casual Fridays last spring, and moving session to a local TGI Fridays a month later.  These moves, aimed at forcing Congress to address health care reform and climate change without the distraction of Hawaiian shirts and drink specials, earned her enemies on both sides of the aisle.  During a late session addressing the financial bail out, partisan opponents agreed to terms that would settle their differences with a Beer Pong tournament.  Pelosi shot this measure down as well, forcing the leaders to put away the Official Congressional Beer Pong Table.

Pelosi was also staunchly opposed to a House vs. Senate kickball game held last month.  Representatives avoided her opposition by holding the game on a Sunday, and changing the date without telling her.  Congress beat the Senate yet again and police are currently investigating several grams of cocaine and two missing interns related to the event.

As part of the Party Pooper Resolution Pelosi will be forced to wear a silly hat while presiding over Congress, until either she can find a snipe or does a keg stand.

I’m madder than Al Sharpton with a broken megaphone!

Yesterday my nephew sent me a story he found on the computer machine and I’ve had to double up on the oxygen ever since.

Seems this one-time singer named John Mellonhead or something thinks only he should be allowed to speak his mind in these great United States.

He told some interviewer that “mean people” shouldn’t be allowed freedom of speech on the interwebs. Apparently, some people on the innertubes swear too much for his liking. “Not being courteous is not really freedom of speech….” he said.

But then Mellanoma called the “mean people” he doesn’t like… a really mean and dirty swear name! Does that make HIM “mean”, though? Of course not, you idiot! He’s a liberal!

So when Menstrualcramp wrote a song calling George W. Bush “another cheap thug,” that wasn’t mean. He was exercising his right to free speech, which only he has but nobody else.

He gets to sing about hating America and gets paid millions to do it, and have it played all over the radio.

But if I want to say “mean” things about The Teleprompter Kid here on my computer machine and you read it, I should go to jail.

I can’t believe I fought on Pork Chop Hill for this guy’s right to free speech. But I did.

I fought for my OWN rights too, though, and that’s why I get to call him a jackass!

It’s the American way!

Except some law they’re trying to pass would put your old friend Ed Anger in jail for two years for “causing emotional distress” on the computer machine. Folks, I thought that’s what this whole internet thing was FOR!

You won’t let them cart away old Ed, will you, kids?

WASHINGTON, DC – Just as Bill Clinton did before him, President Barack Obama is now getting help in the White House – from Abraham Lincoln’s ghost!

A government insider has revealed that Honest Abe’s apparition has been seen in the Oval Office on several occasions, quietly conferring with the President on vital world issues!

“When I read that Mr. Lincoln’s ghost has been meeting with President Clinton, I laughed out loud,” the insider said.

“But I’m not laughing anymore. I’ve seen the ghost and President Obama together with my own eyes. Believe me, it’s a very humbling experience.”

In a 1993 issue, Weekly World News stunned the world with its exclusive story that the Great Emancipator was helping President Clinton guide America’s ship of state through troubled waters. So it comes as no surprise that he is now advising Obama, especially considering their shared Illinois origins.

“It looks like old Honest Abe is going to stand at President Obama’s side all the way. I only wish he had been there to advise the President when he began dealing with this whole recession mess.”

The insider said White House staffers frequently see Mr. Lincoln strolling quietly through the halls of the East Wing, the library and presidential living quarters and when he accompanies President Obama into the Oval Office.

“When I first saw Mr. Lincoln with President Obama, he looked very gaunt…very sad,” said the Secret Service agent who first encountered the ghost.

“But now he looks like a new man. He stands tall and steady and he has a look of excitement in his eyes. It’s like he’s looking forward to a new beginning…and a healing of America’s economic and racial wounds.

“Somehow I get the feeling that Mr. Lincoln won’t be able to rest in peace until he gets to see the realization of the dream he had for America. A dream that was cut short when John Wilkes Booth shot him dead.

“I honestly believe that in Barack Obama, Mr. Lincoln knows that the day when the dream becomes a reality is right down the road ahead.”

CLEVELAND, OH – A 75-year-old woman has admitted to killing a 25-pound fawn with a shovel because of the way it looked at her. Is there a deer uprising?

Witnesses have stated that Dorothy Richardson beat the fawn to death with a shovel after she caught it sitting in her flower bed. However, Richardson has said she feared for her life after the way it looked her in the eye.

Does she know something about these deer that we don’t? Watch her description of the incident below:

Weekly World News is proud to present the first woman in this holy feature on lesser known saints.

For this installment, we bring you:

Saint Frances the Frizzy
Patron Saint of Bad Hair Days

Saint Frances rose to fame during a mission trip to South America in 1974.  Based out of a Boston convent, Frances was lovingly teased by her fellow sisters for her massive frizzy hair.  Some even speculated that she had joined the nunnery for an excuse to wear a habit at all times.

During her trip Frances’ mission attempted to help villagers caught between a military dictator and a violent insurgency.  Military checkpoints were set up to keep people from bringing any aid into the country, or taking anything out.  Taking off her habit Frances was able to hide food and medicine for the village in her massive fro.  When it was time to leave Frances, making several trips, was able to smuggle several orphaned infants out of the country, each carefully nestled in her frizzy locks.  Her massive hair saved many lives, held aloft by the native humidity, and Jesus Christ.

To this day Saint Frances the Frizzy is the patron saint of bad hair days, large hair, and high humidity.

You can pay homage to Saint Marcus, or any of the forgotten saints, by teasing your hair and acquiring the Saint Misbehavin’ guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.

NEW YORK, NY – Fox News stated yesterday that America is not pure since people marry “other species and ethnics.”  Mutants around the country are now up in arms.

On the Fox and Friends morning show Brian Kilmead made the comment that a French study on Alzheimers in marriage did not apply to Americans because “we keep marrying other species and ethnics.”  He went on “See, the problem is the Swedes have pure genes. Because they marry other Swedes…. Finns marry other Finns, so they have a pure society. In America we marry everybody.”

Take a look:

America’s mutant population is furious at the comment.  Spokesman from the Mutant Anti-Defamation League Gary Wannamaker said “We feel Mr. Kilmead’s comments that we take away from the purity of American society is ignorant and offensive.  In many ways, mutants add to the richness of American life.”  Mr. Wannamaker described the work he had done with Habitat for Humanity with his half-spider wife and their 47 children.

America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy, took to the streets to protest outside the Fox News Headquarters in New York.  Bat Boy, still in town from the July 4th celebrations, was outraged at what he had seen on a television in a store window.  The precocious mutant marched alone in protest outside Fox’s midtown headquarters for hours with a homemade sign.  In time he was joined by Manigator, still wanted in this state for impersonating a doctor, and in town for reasons yet unknown.

When asked what they had to say about the comment Bat Boy screeched especially loudly, pointing angrily at the Fox News headquarters, then bit off a section of his own sign.  Manigator had this to say “Heythereman, ya know, cause, They said mutants is bad, ‘n not pure, an This is AMERICA!  Thank You!?  Land of the braves, who’re they to tell me I gotta wear pants in Times Square when ain’t a bit a…”  That was when he passed out, spilling his 40 of malt liquor.

Fox News’ comments calling for a purification of American society has received some positive feedback.  A fraternal brotherhood based out of the south which wishes to remain anonymous has expressed their support, as have several elderly Germans living in South America.  Glenn Beck is expected to cry about this later today.

As Sarah Palin ends her governorship early, Weekly World News invites you to look back on her fascinating life.

Palin’s submission to Girls Gone Wild “Hot Babes in the Arctic Cold” was rejected because the Governor seemed to misunderstand the purpose of the video.  Instead of lifting her shirt up, she pulled it down to better show off the quirky slogan printed on the front.