NEW YORK, NY – Fatfoot, the overweight Sasquatch, was recently discovered to be suffering from bulimia. Yesterday he appeared on daytime television show The View to discuss his struggle.
Fatfoot became overweight foraging for food in suburban New Jersey, subsiding mostly on fast food and leftover Chinese takeout. While most Sasquatches weigh between 450 and 600 pounds, Fatfoot weighs roughly 1,235 lbs. After the recent publicity received for his weight, the obese australocrypticine developed a severe eating disorder.
For the past few weeks, Fatfoot has been going on binges, eating dumpster-fulls of discarded food from Manhattan restaurants. Several days ago he was seen purging behind a midtown Dunkin Donuts, and was quickly taken away by concerned wildlife officials. Once the story of his eating disorder got out he was almost immediately invited on The View.
Most of The View’s female hosts offered their sympathies to the obese primate. Elizabeth Hasselbeck, a devout creationist, refused to acknowledge the existence of the missing link sitting next to her.
The overweight Sasquatch, although only able to communicate through grunts and pointing, managed to tell a story of heartache and rejection. Barely a dry eye was left by the time Joy Behar denounced Weekly World News for giving the primate the moniker ‘Fatfoot’, which the sobbing Sasquatch confirmed only led to his negative body image.
At the end of the show Fatfoot was treated to a surprise make-over before being released back into the wild.
Weekly World News and its staff would like to formally apologize to Fatfoot for encouraging a negative body image. We shall continue to provide the latest breaking news without weight discrimination as “The World’s Only Reliable News Source.”
Rosie's making a comeback?
I remember reading that national unemployment may actually go up 1% as a result of the spill itself and then the layoff of relief workers when its over. This would include the fisherman who were contracted to help out who will now be let go.Guess we'll see.