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TAYLOR SWIFT HOSTAGE CRISIS


BURBANK, CA – Taylor Swift and her Label have been working overtime defending her lackluster performance at the Grammys. 

Thursday she finally cracked from the pressure and took a Burbank family hostage. On Sunday Taylor Swift both won and lost at the Grammys.  She picked up 4 of the awards, including album of the year, but then did a performance with Stevie Nicks that critics are ripping apart ever since.  After a week of silence to satisfy critics, Swift finally cracked and took a Burbank family hostage Thursday afternoon.  She told police she would release the hostages when critics stopped saying mean things about her.

Since her grammy performance critics have been ruthless towards Taylor Swift.  The Washington Post said she was “tinny, off key, and incredibly wretched.”  The Atlanta Constitution called it “The musical equivalent of watching your grandmother die.  Slowly.”  The New York Post simply posted a picture of some vomit and put Swift’s name under it.  Taylor Swift’s manager, Sal Bruschetta of Big Machine Records, went on the offensive to defend his client.  “Taylor Swift is a 20 year old artist!  She may not hit all the notes, or remember the words, but that’s part of her art!  This isn’t a competition of pure technical prowess, like American Idol.”  In response to this comment Kelly Clarkson visited Swift’s home and left a flaming bag of excrement on her doorstep.

Having had enough Taylor Swift finally snapped while visiting some fans.  Thursday afternoon she was doing philanthropy work and paid a surprise visit to a family who had been out of work for a year, but whose children were fans.  Swift arrived with her friend and Disney star Selena Gomez.  One of the children commented naively “I saw you on TV this weekend.  You sounded like my cat when she wants a boyfriend.”  Swift cracked, grabbed at the father’s gun from the mantle and took the family hostage.

For 16 hours Taylor Swift held a family captive.  Police, alerted that there was a Disney star in trouble, were on the scene in minutes.  A teary and visibly shaken Swift stepped out to discuss her demands holding the most famous of her hostages.  Gomez, a professional since childhood, smiled and posed for the cameras as if nothing was wrong.  Swift asked to speak with her manager and asked that all unfair criticisms of her be retracted.  Eventually negotiators were able to calm Swift down about her reviews and convinced her to release the hostages.

Swift has agreed to take a few days off to relax before resuming her tour.  The family she took hostage will not be pressing charges, on the condition she come back and perform at their daughters birthday party.  Selena Gomez will report to a Disney re-education facility to have the incident wiped from her memory.