CHARLESTON, WV – American Idol brought on a new celebrity guest judge: Bat Boy!
Currently American Idol is traveling the country, holding auditions to find the cast of its ninth season. To keep audiences interested they have employed a rotating list of celebrity guest judges including stars and personalities from various media sources. Recently they filmed an audition episode with a very special guest judge, America’s Favorite Mutant: Bat Boy!
Fox executives brought in the young mutant to help judge auditions being held for the first time in West Virginia. Handlers from the company escorted the boy from his home and tried to explain to him what would happen. Living in a cave and rarely watching television Bat Boy was unfamiliar with the basic format of the show. There was more than a little confusion on how to handle the precocious mutant, and what he was supposed to do.
Production assistants tried in vain to reign in the precocious mutant, and had to pull him down from the lighting grid with a rake three times until someone thought to explain to him it wasn’t a jungle gym. Costumers fought with him for the better part of an hour to get him to wear nice clothing, as he was reluctant to wear more than his usual cut-off shorts. Makeup people had an easier time of working with him, particularly when they agreed to let him put makeup on them in return.
Bat Boy was introduced to the crew and his other hosts. Suddenly with the lights and so many more people Bat Boy became somewhat shy. He was introduced to Simon Cowell who recoiled visibly upon seeing the boy. “Christ, they weren’t kidding about you were they?” Recognizing that the boy was overwhelmed Randy Jackson took him aside and told him jokes until he was giggling.
Finally it was time to begin filming. Hopefuls from all over Appalachia lined up for a spot on the show. In total there were more than thirty auditions. For the first several auditions Bat Boy didn’t understand exactly what was going on, and when young people started singing he would run over to them and start dancing. Applicants mistook this for an attack by a large-eyed bat creature and ran screaming. One young girl is now being being treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Producers explained to Bat Boy that he had to stay behind the desk.
Bat Boy offered his thoughts and criticism as a judge and media personality to performers, but he can only speak in high pitched squeaks so many of the singers left confused. When Simon Cowell would offer his trademark biting criticism, Bat Boy would go up and give the singer a big hug. Cowell derided at Bat Boy for “coddling” people. Bat Boy stuck his tongue out at Simon. Eventually Cowell snapped and yelled at producers for having to work with Bat Boy, saying, “I refuse to let my career devolve into a freak show!” Bat Boy cried in the makeup room until producers made Simon apologize. Later, Simon Cowell’s car was found covered in eggs and guano. Over a dozen crew members said that Bat Boy and Randy Jackson were somewhere else when it happened.
Fox insiders confirm that they will not be airing the West Virginia episode.