LOS ANGELES, CA – Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol to teach Democrats how to stand up to Republicans.
Simon Cowell announced yesterday that he will be leaving American Idol, the show that shot him to fame. The current ninth season will be his last as the trademark caustic British judge, a role which has become an archetype in American pop culture. However the precise reasons for Cowell’s departure remain mysterious.
Officially Simon Cowell is leaving the show to focus on bringing his other program, X Factor, to American audiences. But rumors abound that he is really leaving because of a illicit love affair with Ellen Degeneres. Both parties flatly deny any relationship besides professional. However dozens of sources report seeing the two sneak off during lunch breaks every day, returning late with tussled hair and clothes. Insiders agree Cowell is leaving Idol to put an end to their affair before it possibly destroyed their careers.
For whatever reason Simon Cowell will leave the popular Fox program, and has already begun helping House and Senate Democrats. Even after winning a filibuster-proof “Super Majority” in elections the Democrats have not been able to put forward any substantial legislation. Cowell, television’s meanest judge, is preparing them to face Republican opposition.
“Technically you shouldn’t be able to lose,” Cowell said to Harry Reid in the House of Congress. “Mathematically it should be impossible. Yet somehow you have found a way.”
Simon Cowell went down the line criticizing important members of the Democratic party. Each would take the podium and begin to speak, only to be cut off by Simon when he’d had enough. “Nancy Pelosi, how do you call yourself the Majority Leader? You haven’t led anything. President Bush had eviscerated the constitution by this point in his presidency and he didn’t have nearly the numbers you do. You can’t even lead these people to vote on health care! How is it you’re less influential than Sarah Palin, and she can barely form sentences?! I’d say your efforts are disappointing, but really it’s just pathetic and I feel sorry for you.” Pelosi choked back tears as she left the podium and wouldn’t come out of the woman’s bathroom for 45 minutes.
The Democrats hope that with Cowell’s coaching they can develop the backbone to stand up to opposition from the fractured Republican party, and maybe even stand a chance in this years elections.