WASHINGTON, DC – Congress has begun a full scale federal inquiry into the Carrie Prejean sex tape.
According to all evidence, Carrie Prejean was indeed 20 years old when she filmed her now infamous sex tape. However Congress has begun an official investigation, vowing to watch the tape as many times as necessary “just to be certain.”
Prejean rose to national attention for saying she did not support gay marriage in the Miss USA contest. So far she has been able to maintain her wholesome All American image by saying the tape was something she did before “finding Jesus”, and excuses her breast implants by saying they were a part of “God’s Will.” Even though the tape was made for her college boyfriend, she insists she was somehow 17 years old at the time.
All other federal investigations have been dropped today to investigate this scandal. So far the time stamp on the video, sworn statements from witnesses, receipts for the camera, Prejean’s personal timeline, and a news program seen in the background all confirm that Carrie Prejean must have been 20 years old when she filmed the tape.
However the entire Justice Department will spend the day watching the tape repeatedly looking for any further evidence. Said FBI director John Womack, “This scandal hits at the heart of American Values, we just can’t be too certain.” Director Womack put back on his 3-D glasses, ordered a popcorn, and returned to the FBI’s IMAX theater.
Despite the mounting pile of evidence Carrie Prejean still insists that she was 17 when she filmed the tape. “And therefore it should never be seen or discussed, and everyone should just forget about it.” Congress will make an official ruling on the tapes later this weekend.