LOS ANGELES, CA – Disney has announced that they will soon begin filming a Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, the fourth installment of their franchise. With Johnny Depp refusing to reprise the lead role, Disney executives have confirmed they plan on replacing him with an animatronic puppet. Executives promise, “You’ll never notice the difference!”
Johnny Depp has admitted publicly he has no desire to reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow, saying the character is “done already!” He has also said that new Disney management would “put together a terrible film to make money. All they do is cash a check, but my face would go all over this thing!”
Geoffrey Rush has already signed to the film, saying, “a paycheck’s a paycheck.”
CEO Robert Iger said that Disney Imagineers were already hard at work finding ways to make an animatronic seamlessly replace Johnny Depp in his iconic role. “He’ll still have everything fans have come to love about Captain Jack: the catchphrases and the goofy walk. Once we have those down we have every confidence the American people won’t be able to tell the difference.”
He went on to state that if this worked, more animatronics would be used in future Disney movies. “Why pay an actor when all people want to see are swordfights and explosions?” Executives have promised there will be no future problems like the Julie Andrews robot “incident” that shut down filming on “Mary Poppins 2 Spoonfuls of Sugar“. Iger would not elaborate further.
Captain Jack impersonators from small towns and renaissance faires across the country are outraged, promising to boycott the film entirely.