JON GOSSELIN PRIMETIME

NEW YORK, NY – Jon Gosselin admits to being abused by his wife Kate.  Torture was involved, but he is still unable to gain any sympathy.
On an ABC Special, Chris Cuomo interviewed one of America’s most famous dads, Jon Gosselin.  Since breaking up with his not-quite-human wife, Jon Gosselin has spent most of his time with different girlfriends and sponsoring a “Dude-Bro Education Seminar.’ Last night, Gosselin described the ordeals of his marriage.
Kate Gosselin tortured Jon physically and psychologically.  According to Jon, minor infractions around the home were met with rubber hoses, bamboo shoots, and sleep deprivation.  “If I did something like, forget to put fruit in the kids’ lunches, she’d take me to the basement and strap me in to the dunking chair.  One time I spoke without raising my hand first, out came the rubber hoses.”  He later described, “When I messed up a reshoot once in Season 3, she locked me downstairs and kept me awake for 7 days until I learned my lesson.  Which, I guess that’s understandable.”
Jon admits their marriage was held together mostly by Stockholm Syndrome.  This psychological condition causes people to feel loyalty to their captors or torturers.
While allegations of abuse come as no surprise, what has been surprising is that no one feels bad for Jon.  Since the breakup Jon has taken to dating a 22-year-old, spent more time at bars and on boats than with his children, and repeatedly spoken ill of the mother of his children.  In last night’s interview he said with regards to Kate, “I despise her” and that “my new girlfriend is the polar opposite of Kate.  I love her more than I ever loved Kate.”
Despite being able to afford the playboy lifestyle thanks to his numerous adorable children, he still managed to whine his way through the entire interview.  Chris Cuomo ended the interview by punching Jon Gosselin in the face, to raucous cheers from the crew.