SOUTH AMERICA – King Penguins are on the move again.

Penguins, like human beings, have stellar parenting skills. In South Georgia (way down the map, off the coast of South America), temperatures can get pretty cold. Accordingly, King Penguins have a solution for making sure their young don’t freeze to death.

Instinctively, these adult penguins come together to form a protective shield of warmth around their babies. This massive collection of “bodies” provides enough heat to ensure the young birds survive the cold temperatures (see the above image for an aerial shot of their mass huddle).

Parental instinct takes over in the inhospitable climate of the South Atlantic and the chicks with their long, brown, downy coats are made to crowd together to retain their body warmth in the equivalent of bird creches – visible as brown swathes.

Meanwhile their extraordinary parents waddle down to the shore to bring back dinner for their offspring.

The chicks, which take between 10 to 13 months to raise – cannot regulate their body temperature and the parents care for them round the clock for the first three weeks.

The idea that these adult penguins know that they need to take such enormous steps to protect their young is astounding. Below, you can watch these amazingly-majestic birds fast at work:

MARBLEHEAD, MA — An empty Massachusetts house called police for help.

After months of enduring a leaking pipe that buckled its floors and sagged its ceilings, a house decided enough was enough and called 911.

The Salem News reports the 911 call went out to police from a house in Marblehead on Wednesday after water short-circuited the phone system, apparently sparking the emergency call.

Officers were sent to the address after the call was recorded as a hang up and a return call got static.

Inside, they found the wreckage, including potentially toxic mold, from a pipe that apparently burst during the winter.

Town officials say the interior may have to be gutted.

Police couldn’t immediately locate owner James Cowen. His cousin, William Cowen, said he’s not worried. He says James was left financially secure by his father and often travels.

BOSTON – The air you’re breathing is making you fat!

A new study released yesterday by scientists at Tufts University links the consumption of air to weight gain. Scientists analyzed the diets of 30,000 obese adults in an effort to find the common cause of their obesity.

The culprit: air.

“It was a simple scientific procedure,” said Cheryl Spangler, a biologist at Tufts University and the study’s leading researcher. “Our objective was to find the one thing that all fat people had in common. And after months of research, it finally hit us: All fat people breathe air. I can’t believe it took us so long to realize that! ”

The study found that adults who inhale at least 5 liters of unfiltered atmospheric air per day risk a 50 percent chance of gaining weight in the next 10 years.

Even more shocking, the study found that nationwide, 100 percent of adults consume air on a regular basis, and of those 100 percent, 100 percent of those surveyed said they consume more than 5 liters per day.

“We’re all headed for big fat trouble if we don’t do something about this,” said Spangler. “The next step is eliminating air from our diets. I know it’s going to be tough, but it will save our lives some day. ”

It didn’t take long before news of the study reached its way to the White House. Even health-obsessed First Lady Michelle Obama chimed in on the revolutionary discovery: “As a demonstration of my unwavering dedication to a healthier America, I will abstain from breathing air for the next 24 hours,” she pledged in a press conference earlier this afternoon.

Mrs. Obama could not be reached for a follow-up comment.

In light of the new study linking obesity to air, American corporations have released a slew of health-conscious air products. The Coca-Cola Company unveiled a new line of bottled “Air Zero,” a low-fat, low-calorie air substitute with half the sugar of regular air. Not to be outdone, the McDonald’s Corporation announced on-line that their fries will now be served with “less air and even more grease.”

However, despite corporate America’s efforts to promote healthy breathing, scientists are urging the America public to make dietary changes on a personal level.

“We’ve been breathing air for millions of years, and we all just assume it’s healthy” said George Baumgartner, a spokesperson for the New York State Department of Health. “Well we couldn’t be more wrong. Air is a nutritional nightmare, and most of us can’t go a day without breathing it. It’s like we’re addicted to the stuff.”

In a related study, Tufts scientists are compiling research that links to obesity to depression.

“We’ve seen the evidence, and it doesn’t look good” said study coordinator Roy Harmon. “Being fat increases your risk of being depressed, which in turn, increases your risk of anxiety attacks, which then increases your risk of overeating, which,  increases your risk of obesity all over again.  The Fat Cycle.”

My advice: don’t eat, drink, or breathe for the next 48 hours and you should be fine.”

NEW YORK, NY – Two major Television networks are taking a strong stance against a new Lane Bryant ad!

Lane Bryant is in an uproar over ABC and Fox’s refusal to air one of its recent lingerie ads. Lane Bryant was set to air their ad during “Dancing with the Stars” but ABC backed out because it believed that it bared too much cleavage.

It’s not far fetched that ABC would back out of an ad featuring “excessive boobs” as the network is owned by Disney and tries its best to keep a family image. “The cleavage of the plus-size models, they say, was excessive, and we don’t think that’s the case,” said a Lane Bryant source.

The ad was to promote their Cacique lingerie line, aimed at plus-size women and Lane Bryant feels its “discrimination against full-sized women.”

Fox apparently also balked at showing the ad during “American Idol.” Fox found itself in a sticky situation as  it allowed a provocative Victoria’s Secret lingerie ad to air during Tuesday’s “America Idol” and Lane Bryant complained of a double standard. Fox did a 180 and aired the ad during Wednesday’s “American Idol.”

Check out the ad below.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama held a bipartisan Health Care Summit yesterday.  To keep opposing factions together he summoned the snow gods to bring a blizzard!

Yesterday’s Health Care Summit lasted for over six hours and broke records as being the most work legislators have done in months.  News crews and hundreds of television cameras forced politicians to talk about health care reform while in a room together.  Some claim the highly televised event was an act of “political theater” intended to put on a show.  However insiders believe the presence of cameras kept the politicians on task, discouraging the fist fights and beer pong matches that are so often a part of the political process.  To help push the health care bill forward, President Obama even summoned the elder snow gods to bring a blizzard and keep law makers trapped in a room together.

President Obama has summoned the elder gods of the North, to bring a blizzard which is currently pounding the eastern seaboard.  Earlier this week he met with his Secretary of Paranormal Activity to determine an appropriate ritual.  He and Secretary Mabius decided on a ritual to summon the elder winter gods of the North to help keep politicians talking yesterday.  Great lengths were required to keep opposing factions in a room together for six hours.  Lawmakers from both parties, predominantly elderly white men, were sufficiently scared to go outside once the snow began for fear they might fall and break a hip then have to rely on the health care system they refused to fix for political reasons.

White House spokespeople confirm that no animals were harmed in the ritual itself.  The skin of a polar bear, which died of natural causes, was worn by the President in the White House Rose Garden.  There he made a deal with the elder gods, and in exchange for snow he gave them tax exempt status as a state recognized religious institution.  Schools and businesses throughout the Northeastern United States are closed today due to the President’s incantation.

JUNEAU, AK – Sources inside the Alaska State Legislature confirm today that Governor Sarah Palin’s earmark pet project, the “Bridge to Nowhere” was partially funded by Alien Investors.

While construction of the bridge was halted after Governor Palin famously told Congress, “Thanks but no thanks!” a lesser-known “Road to Nowhere” was built using funds from a Martian investment-banking firm.

The “Road to Nowhere” in fact leads to a delicious, yet invisible to human eyes, Alien-franchised Quizno’s.

Quizno’s spokesman Alan Bremble told reporters, “We are proud to serve interplanetary travelers. There is nothing better to satisfy your hunger after traveling 100 million miles than a delicious oven-toasted sub.”

Experts have long debated why an alien race would engineer the technology for interplanetary travel. Some said it would be for universe-wide domination, enslavement of the human race, resource gathering, or to simply expand their knowledge of the universe. It seems we now know that these experts are wrong.

Bremble explains, “Nowhere in the universe can you get a better sub than Quizno’s”

Reached for comment, Governor Palin told Weekly World News, “Of course we want to build a strong relationship with the aliens. If they can travel through space, don’t ya think they’d be good allies against Russia… Not that we’re planning anything!” she laughed.