Move over Buster Simcus (if you can), a Brit  is now the world’s fattest man!

Keith Martin, 42, tips the scales at  822 pounds, and is so large that he is bed-ridden.

His needs are putting an extra drain on the British NHS resources and costing the taxpayer thousands of dollars as he requires an army of 18 medical professionals to look after him, including ambulance staff, carers and nurses.

Eight ambulance workers must be on hand to help hoist his giant frame to a reinforced vehicle for frequent hospital visits close to his home in Harlesden, North-West London.

Trips for health checks are the only occasions in the past ten years on which he has left his bed. He also requires four carers to visit him twice a day and four nurses three times a week to wash him and monitor his health as his staggering weight is putting massive strain on his heart and other internal organs.

Medics say he would need to shed half his bulk before he could even be considered for a gastric band to aid his weight loss.

Mr. Martin took the crown of heaviest man on the planet after the previous title-holder –  1,260 pounds Mexican – went on a crash diet. Manuel Uribe, 44, is still listed as the heaviest man in the Guinness Book of Records but is believed to have shrunk to a relatively svelte  430 punds.  Mr Martin has also overtaken another former world’s heaviest man, fellow Brit Paul Mason.

Mr Mason, a 51-year-old former postman from Ipswich, slimmed down from 980 pounds to 550 pounds after being warned he was dangerously close to death.

At the height of his binge-eating, Mr Mason would consume in excess of 20,000 calories per day and would be wheeled to local takeaways daily by his carers.

By 2002, he was so big that a 5ft window at his former home had to be removed and a forklift truck brought in to lift him when he needed to go to hospital for a hernia operation.

A ram and a deer are set to be “married” at a zoo in south-western China on Valentine’s Day

Changmao the ram and Chunzi the doe’s “unconventional relationship” have made them popular with the public.

The Yunnan Provincial Wildlife Park in Kunming city will be issuing tickets to the event, the China News Service reports.

The pair were forcibly separated last year but were eventually reunited.

At least 500 tickets at 66 yuan ($10) will be issued for their “wedding day”, China Daily reports. The animals will be clad in “wedding clothes”.

But Changmao has not been exactly faithful to Chunzi. He fathered a baby lamb with the zoo’s only female sheep.

That was why zoo officials decided to separate the ram and the doe in November last year.

However, when zookeepers put Changmao with his lamb and its mother, he became violent. Chunzi, for her part, squeezed through the fence to be near him.

The ram and doe had been raised together in one group at the park.

“We put them together because they were all herbivores,” Liu Gencheng, a park official, was quoted by Xinhua as saying.

Zookeepers had noticed that the pair were affectionate towards each other, with Chunzi often licking Changmao’s hair, and Changmao attacking male deer that dared approach the doe.

The pair became famous after a local TV station aired a report about them.

In Chinese, Changmao means long hair and Chunzi means pure.

Scientists are advising the public not to put too much human meaning into the pair’s behaviour, saying that “leaving them alone is the best choice”.

BBC News China

HEAVEN – Psychics are saying that Amy Winehouse was the first soul singer to greet Whitney  Houston, even before Michael Jackson.

Top psychics in Los Angeles are saying that Whitney Houston’s spirit is already “lighting up” heaven.  ”It’s like the universal source has called the greatest voice of all time back to heaven.  It’s pure magic up there.”

The psychics also agree that Amy Winehouse was the first singer to greet Houston when she arrived at the pearly gates.

“Amy was right there.  She gave Whitney a big angel hug and walked with her as she met some of her ancestors, relatives and… Michael Jacskson.”

Both singers had trouble on earth with alcohol and drugs, but they are a peace now.  ”Fame was too much for their gentle souls,” said Madam Marie of Sherman Oaks.  ”Their voices were a gift to our world, but caused great damage to their spirits on earth.  Now, they are in a better place.”

One psychic said that Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston are planning a “concert” together in Whitney’s first few months.  ”Amy’s been doing very well in heaven and feels free and happy.”

One psychic said that Whitney Houston is loved even more in heaven than she was on earth.  ”It’s hard to imagine her being even more popular in the afterlife, but a voice like hers comes from the universal source and comes along only once in the life of any universe.  She is THE queen of the afterlife.”

While Americans and fans around the world mourn the terrible loss of Whitney, the angels are rejoicing.  ”Our songbird is home,”  is what St. Peter reportedly said when greeting Whitney, according to a psychic on Venice Beach.

Diva in heaven…

There are reports of a “half sheep, half human” creature born to an adult sheep in the town of Sokoto, Nigeria!

The locals are claiming witchcraft or beastiality was at work while more reasonable answers like birth complications have come from officials.

The Daily Sun reports that the delivery made on Jan. 22 at Fakon Idi Veterinary Clinic drew crowds and shocked onlookers to the point where Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corps had to get involved to disperse them:

Garba Aminu, a commercial motorcycle rider, averred: “This is an abomination in our land. To see a sheep give birth to a half human being is a mystery and that shows how terrible some people are. It is unimaginable that some people will be having intercourse with animals.”

Another onlooker, who simply gave his name as Danladi, wondered how such a development could happen in a morally upright state like Sokoto where the Islamic faith is so deep.

But Dr. Ismail Usman with the Veterinary Clinic in the state Ministry of Forestry and Animal Health put rumors to rest, lamenting the fact that such a fantastical idea would even be discussed:

“It was a surprise that people’s perspective could be so negative when it comes to scientific reasoning and thoughts. In fact, the meaning attached to the development on the pregnant sheep by the onlookers was embarrassing.” Dr. Usman stated.

He explained that the sheep was supposed to have been delivered two days earlier but could not, a situation that he described as unusual among animals, especially sheep.

Another expert, Dr. Dahiru Sani who was one of the surgeons that carried out the operation on the controversial sheep said infections such as German measles, excess drugs and radiation could cause such abnormalities in animal pregnancy.

According to him, “every layman would believe that such a picture is a human-like animal, but in science, it is just a condition that caused the incident.”

The Huffington Post points out that people have been quick to jump to conclusions with abnormally shaped animals before. A sheep was born in Turkey in 2010 with human-like features, at least according to one photograph, and there are similar reports from Zimbabwe of a goat in 2009.

This could the mother:

GEORGIA – Apparently foreign students, and some American college students, don’t know how to use a toilet.  Some colleges are offering instruction.

A number of foreign students are not familiar with Western bathroom customs and techniques and, apparently, this has become an issue on college campuses.  In addition, while studying this new phenomenon, colleges have also found that many Americans of college age are not using the toilet properly either.

Colleges in the southern U.S. have been using signs over the last two years to  help students work the toilet.  The signs feature diagrams and bullet points explaining how use a toilet, advising students to refrain from standing on the seat and to instead sit on it like they would a chair.

The advice does not stop there, with further instructions explaining how to use the sanitary bins, while students have also been asked to leave the cubicles in a sanitary state and avoid throwing toilet paper on the floor.   The sign also reminded students to flush.

But it has not been working, so some colleges in the south are offering a mandatory class in the first semester of Freshman Year.  The class is:  Toilet Use 101.

Students are taught proper sitting and standing technique, how to wipe, how to flush and how to plunge – if the need arises.  Students are reminded to thoroughly wash their hands after using the toilet, accompanied by an image of two upturned hands under a running tap with the words ‘WASH ME’ on the palms.

“Prior to the mandatory course, many of the toilets around campus were found in found in an unsanitary condition,” said a source at Georgia Tech.

Some in the south are saying that “the toilet problem” was caused at first because of the ‘cultural differences’ between western customs and the many foreign students attending the universities,.  Many eastern countries people use the toilet by ‘squatting’ over it, but this practice does not transfer to western bathrooms.

Some locals have a different opinion, “kids today just ain’t go not sense,” said Marcus Christmas of Atlanta.  ”What is this world coming to, when kids today don’t know how to use the john.  Ridiculous.”

This girl did not pass her toilet class:

LOS ANGELES  – Rihanna and Chris Brown are reportedly a couple again. She has forgiven him.

The two singers partied last night at Greystone Manor, West Hollywood club and left separately, but a mile down the road Rihanna’s driver pulled over and she reportedly hopped into Brown’s car..

Several people who were at the club last night tweeted that as far as they could see Rihanna and Chris making out with each other in the club.  The protective order against Chris Brown — requiring that he have no contact with her was lifted a  year ago, so Brown is free to hook-up with Rihanna again.

Rihanna was in Hawaii over the holidays, getting ready to be with Chris again:

According to a person close to Chris Brown, Chris feels that Rihanna is the love of his life and is thrilled to be back with her.  Afterthe “incident” Chris felt that he destroyed all chances of a relationship with his soul mate he stayed away, but Rihanna apparently felt the same way about Chris.  She reportedly told  him, “You da one.”  Now, the soulmates can be together again.

 Rihanna and Chris are with each other all the time and when they are not together, they are exchanging IM’s and text messages.

Not everyone is pleased with this development.   We’re told that Jay Z and Rihanna’s RocNation managers are furious that she’s back with Breezy.  “We don’t like this one bit.   Rihanna is making a big mistake,” said a source close to RocNation.

Will this be another happy Hollywood ending for our two pop-star lovers?  Is Chris Brown a new man?   Is Rihanna… crazy?

What do you think?

Maybe Rihanna will “Strip” for Chris:

PANAMA CITY, FL – A cloud tsunami hit Panama City Beach, causing considerable damage.

Helicopter pilot Mike Schaeffer was wrapping up a tour when he spotted this incredible weather phenomenon along the coast of Panama City Beach, Fl. on Sunday.

As soon as he landed, he alerted Panhandle Helicopter  owner JR Hott of the “cloud form waves,” and together they went up for a better view. They moved quickly knowing that it is only in very specific weather conditions that this beautiful effect occurs.

While the online community has dubbed this a “cloud tsunami,” Hott disagrees with the popular moniker:

I wouldn’t call it a “cloud tsunami.” The term tsunami implies a natural disaster. The event, while it can form quickly, moves gently and slowly. It isn’t something that happens with more than a gentle breeze.

While the images appear non-threatening and peaceful, as an experienced pilot, Hott has been trained to treat all fog and clouds as if they are solid objects. He and Schaeffer were very careful approaching in the air to get a better view. Fortunately, because of the location of the condos, they were able to approach the cloud waves from the side and did not place themselves in the direct path of the fog.

Natalie Jimenez
MSNBC

SIBERIA –  A wooly mammoth has been spotted roaming the tundra of Siberia!

The beast was spotted trudging acrosst icy waters in a sighting that proves woolly mammoths are not extinct after all.

The animal – thought to have mostly died out roughly 4,000 years ago – was apparently filmed wading through a river in the freezing wilds of Siberia.

The jaw-dropping sighting was confirmed by multiple witnesses, including a government-employed engineer last summer in the Chukotka Autonomous Okrug region of Siberia.

The elephant-sized creature struggled against the racing water, then headed for the witnesses, who ran fast – and far.   But not before snatching some hair samples along the mammoths’s route.

Its hair matches samples recovered from mammoth remains regularly dug up from the permafrost in frozen Russia.

The witnesses were reportedly in the area surveying for a planned road.

Biologist Sandra Jangigian said: “Rumours of a handful of mammoths still kicking around in the vast wilderness of Siberia have been circulating for decades and occasionally sightings by locals have occurred.  But this is a significant sighting that has been confirmed by mulitple sources.”

“Siberia is an enormous territory and much of it remains completely unexplored and untouched by humans. “

Woolly mammoths roamed the Earth 10,000 years ago during the last Ice Age.

A small pocket remained on and around Wrangel Island, off the coast of Siberia, and these did not die out until 3,500 years ago.

Ms. Jangigian added:  ”It is highly possible that a number of species, extinct elsewhere, survive in the area.

ATHENS, GA – Kim Jong Il has been sighted at a record store in Athens, Georgia.

North Korea’s formerly deceased communist dictator was seen perusing used records at Wuxtry, the same store where the band R.E.M. was formed

Notably absent from the public eye for months, Kim Jong Il has been recently been spotted in small towns throughout the American heartland. North Korean officials deny these claims, sating “Preposterous! Our Glorious Leader is dead, working tirelessly for the people from the afterlife.”

Here he is relaxing in his Georgia apartment:

Although attempting to blend in, Kim Jong Il attracted unwanted attention when he began happily singing along to Dave Matthews’ “Under the Table and Dreaming” at a listening station.

After nearly two hours of careful consideration he left the store with albums by Tom Waits, Neutral Milk Hotel, and Johnny Cash on vinyl. Before leaving he picked up a flier for a house party at the nearby University of Georgia. Investigation has yet to conclude whether the communist leader attended the kegger.

 Asian women share tips on how to catch a man and keep him happy.

For generations Asian women learned how to treat a man by following rules laid down by Thai philosopher Sunthron Phu in his book Maxims for Teaching Women.  Now they’ve taken his words of wisdom that have been passsed down fro more than 2,000 years and updated them to deal with men in 2012.

Here are the winning recommendations for Western women who want to trade be successful in love and marriage:

1) YOUR MAN IS KING - Remember that your man/husband comes first – before you, your parents, your outside interests or even your children.

2) RISE EARLY.  Get up in the morning before your man does.  Make sure you prepare a healthy breakfast so he gets a good stare on the day.  Even if you have to leave before him, make sure he has a nice breakfast waiting for him when he comes into the kitchen in the morning.

3) NEVER NAG.   Never, ever. If he wants to stop off after work and have a few drinks with his buddies, that’s his business.  If he forgot to take out the garbage – do it yourself.

4)  BE AT HOME.  Make sure you’re always at home when he gets in from a hard day at the office.  Even if you are working, make sure you get home to your man/husband as soon as possible.

5)  SMILE.   Always greet your man with a smile on your face and, if you can, a cold drink in your hand.

6)  DINNER READY.    If you are home, or get home first, always have a delcious dinner ready to be served. And if he comes home feeling tense, give him a massage to ease his aches and pains.

7)  LET HIM HANG WITH FRIENDS.  If your man wants to have his buddies over for a night of poker, or football, or video games, don’t  get mad. Encourage it and make sure you’ve got lots of sandwiches and cold beer on hand to serve them.

8)  ASK FIRST.  Always ask him first before you go spending his hard-earned money, or even your hard-earned money, to buy something for yourself.

9)  REMOTE CONTROL.   Let him choose the programs you watch onteleveision.   The television is man’s domain… he should be in charge.  And only Netflix/rent HIS  favorite movies.

10)  OBEY.  Don’t do things your husband doesn’t approve of.  And don’t complain about it. If he doesn’t want you wasting tyour time watching soap operas or having coffee with a neighbor, obey him.  You’ll both be happier for it.

11)  WILD IN BED.  Be a temptress in bed.  I fhe likes you in sexy lingerie, wear it.  Be shy and demure when you’re out in public, but once the lights are out, let him know he’s the only man in the world who can please you.

12)  KNOW SPORTS.  Bone up on sports so you’ll have something to talk about. But always let him start the conversation.

13)  KEEP FIT. Keep yourself in shape and always dress nicely so you’ll be a wife any husband would be proud to have.

14)  CLEANING.  Keep your home spic and span at all times.  It should look like you’re expecting company.  And the laundry should always be done.  Your man  should never have to look for clean socks or underwear and his shirts should all be ironed – by you.

Follow ALL these steps and you will be happy for the rest of your life!