NEW YORK, NY – Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is preparing to run for Senate in 2010, and President in 2012.

Giuliani announced yesterday that he plans on running for New York Senator in 2010.  He also said that if this was successful he would then run for the White House two years later “to get America back on track!”  He made these announcements standing on top of a box on a street corner in lower Manhattan.

Former Mayor and Republican Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani stood on a box draped in a flag for hours yesterday.  Onlookers were highly confused at the sight as they passed by going about their business.  Many started leaving spare change in a cup by his feet.

Giuliani continued to shout Republican talking points at anyone who would listen for seven straight hours.  After that, he just started shouting “9/11!  9/11!” over and over again.  At more than one point he was almost collected by police as a homeless person to be shipped to New Jersey, a policy he put into practice.

In the evening, once he had been washed off and redressed by assistants, he made an official press conference.  He insisted on still draping himself in the American flag, despite strong opinions by his staff.  Entering the stage he could be seen tugging on one end of it while his personal assistant tried to take it from him, saying “Mine.  MINE!” until eventually she let go.  Giuliani took to the stage and tried not to chew on the corner of his flag while laying out his plans to eventually become the most powerful man in the world.

Key to funding these two massive political races was his plan to copyright the phrase “9/11.”

“We will show America that we have not forgotten.  That we will never forget.  And by the grace of God we will continue to let one tragedy define us for the rest of our lives!”  The crowd went into an awkward silence and Mr. Giuliani left the stage.  He was last seen campaigning in the early hours of the morning at the bus station.

TOKYO – President Obama bowed to Japan’s Emperor Akihito, much to the dismay of America’s Republicans!

President Barack Obama is on a week-long tour of Asia, meeting with national leaders and discussing international policies. He spent Saturday meeting with Japan’s Emperor Akihito and Empress Michiko.

Upon arriving at a private lunch with the couple at the Imperial Palace, Obama did what some are considering the unthinkable: bow.

Obama critics are up in arms over the gesture, with descriptions ranging from “embarrassing” to “treasonous.”

There seem to be two common criticisms,  one being that Obama was displaying fealty to a foreign royalty, which goes against the foundation of America. The other opinion is that Obama lacks a general understanding of customs in other countries.

This is partially due to an earlier bow this year to Saudi King Abdullah.

However, others have come to Obama’s defense, saying that Obama had simply been observing protocol. “I think that those who try to politicise those things are just way, way, way off base,” said a senior administration official.

A Republican student group put together a video of other officials greeting the Emperor from the past three years:

NEW YORK, NY – Sarah Palin refused to shake the hand of Oliver Stone at a Saturday Night Live taping. Through tears and muffled sobs, Stone said he doesn’t care: “no, really.”

In excerpts from her new book “Going Rogue”, Sarah Palin tells of meeting Oliver Stone at a taping of Saturday Night Live.  At the meeting, Palin refused to shake Stone’s hand due to his left leaning politics.  When asked about the incident the notoriously sensitive Oliver Stone immediately broke into tears.

Stone tried to play off that the snub did not bother him.  Through sobs and tears, he expressed his disappointment with Palin for relaying such an anecdotal story but wished her no ill.  Unfortunately saying that much took 20 minutes for Stone and he needed 4 separate “Hug Breaks” with reporters.

Oliver Stone developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder while filming Born on Fourth of July.  It wasn’t filming the excessively brutal battle scenes that caused it, but working with Tom Cruise shortly after he joined Scientology.

Since then Stone has been known as the “Most Delicate Man in Hollywood.”  He is known to force group hugs with his casts and delay production for weeks due to his personal “Mental Health Days.”  When the incident occurred with Palin in 2008 it took fellow guest star Alec Baldwin 20 minutes to talk Stone out of the bathroom stall he had locked himself in.

Sarah Palin takes jabs at many people in her new book.  In it she tells the story of her sudden rise to national celebrity, and how the world wasn’t ready for her “You Betcha” attitude.  She has yet to apologize for making Oliver Stone cry.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama will finally give an interview to Fox News.  Both he and the station are preparing for the imminent showdown.

News broke this week that the Obama administration will be reversing its policy towards Fox News.  Previously the administration refused to give the channel interviews, ignored Fox reporters at press conferences, and federally detained Fox reporters whenever the President “had a case of the Mondays.”

The rivalry came to a head Tuesday when White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs and his staff started a food fight with Rupert Murdoch at a five-star restaurant in Washington D.c.  After the incident the White House decided that President Obama would finally give Fox News an interview.

In preparation for the event the President is preparing himself mentally and physically.  Knowing that Fox reporters will try any and every trick to make him look bad he has taken up meditation in the hopes of remaining calm and focused no matter what is said.

To improve his memory, the White House has begun a strict hypnotherapy program to give him exceptional recall for even the most minute of details.  The President has also taken advanced Tai Chi, blindfolded fencing, and challenging two chess grand-masters at once while balancing the education budget.

Fox News is also preparing for the interview.  Sources claim they have already started compiling their list of questions, which is to include “Were you really born in Hawaii?” “Really?” and “Really?”

Further they will ask, “Why do you hate America so much?” and “Will you admit that you’re a socialist?”

Other questions may include:

- “Are you a puppet of the New World Order?”
- “Do you know some people believe you are the Anti-Christ?”
- “Why do you ignore the will of the American people, as seen in Tea Party demonstrations and town hall meetings?”
- “Does the sight of American Values burn you like a cross to a vampire?”
- “Will you ever come clean about being a Muslim?”
- “Do you have a fatwa against the Constitution?”
- “How are we supposed to believe that you are not a Kenyan/socialist/fascist/muslim/anti-christ untill you prove otherwise?”

The interview will take place next week.

WASHINGTON, DC – The Health Care Bill has passed in the House of Representatives.  Joseph Cao, the one Republican to vote for it, is being ostracized by his constituents.

“For a long time they refused to talk to me based on my passionate love of the Twilight books.  Now at least I have a good reason, based on integrity and prinicples, for being ignored.”  This was Joseph Cao’s comment to reporters after this weekend’s vote in Congress to pass the Health Care Bill.  Congressman Cao was holding a copy of the bill,with a poorly hidden issue of Teen Heat featuring Robert Pattinson tucked inside.

Cao was the one Republican to cross the aisle and vote in favor of the bill.  A Representative from Louisiana, Cao is in charge of a thoroughly Democratic area and voted in the interests of his district.  Though his vote was not a deciding vote it still earned him the ire of the GOP.  Now Republicans have almost forgotten about his obsession with the young-adult vampire series.

Cao has been reprimanded several times in the House for reading the teen oriented romance novels during a session.  In a particularly embarrassing incident Cao accidentally distributed to Congress a copy of his Twilight fan fiction.  In a D.C. bar one night Cao, after several drinks, was seen walking up to a waitress and asking her, “Do I dazzle you?”  But all the derision Cao received for these incidents has been forgotten, overshadowed by his support of the Democratic bill.

“At least now they’re ignoring me for a real reason,” said Cao to reporters.  More than just his typical role as ignored fifth wheel Cao is now being actively ostricized by members of the GOP.  Unfortunately for Cao, the Democrats still won’t have anything to do with him.  Nancy Pelosi said in a statement, “We accept and appreciate Mr. Cao’s support, but our lunch-table is already quite full at this time.”

WASHINGTON, DC – Angry demonstrators were arrested for storming Nancy Pelosi’s office.  Citizens used liberal Halloween disguises to get by security.

Yesterday roughly a dozen people were arrested for causing a disturbance in and just outside of Nancy Pelosi’s office.  The protestors are believed to have gotten by the tough security using a series of clever disguises.  Some protesters dressed as cliche hippies and liberals.  They walked directly by security saying taglines like, “Golly, I sure do like big government”  or “Unregulated government spending is awesome!”

One gentleman wore a suit of armor, and stood still against a wall whenever anyone came near.  He worked in tandem with another protester dressed as a potted plant.  Three men dressed as chimney sweeps, and were casually let through, despite there being no chimneys in the building.  One man did research to find out what the wallpaper in the building looked like, then painted his entire body to match it.  He could still be seen easily from any angle that wasn’t staring directly at a wall, but no one wanted to get too close to the chubby naked man covered in body paint.

Once inside the office, the ringleader of the operation decried, “Let the wild demonstration, begin!”  Immediately the protesters began running around making a general mess of things, tossing shredded copies of the Health Care Bill.  Some of the protesters waited in the hallway outside, giving whomever walked by a wedding like reception with shredded health care pages.  Soon security was on hand to break up the festivities.

Thankfully the protest was held at Pelosi’s office in the Cannon House Office Building, and not at her office in Capitol Hill.  Building security calmly removed the protesters and handed them over to police, where they were charged with disorderly conduct.  A similar demonstration in the Capital Building would qualify as a terrorist act, raising the alert level to orange and elevating our current Defcon level.  Building Security were reluctant to get too close to the naked wallpaper man, and he disappeared.

If you live in the D.C. metro area and have seen a chubby naked man covered in body paint, please call the authorities immediately.

WASHINGTON, DC – The Health Care Bill may not be ready until 2010.  President Obama has threatened to take away Senators’ winter vacation as a result.

Due to several problems, setbacks, and comprimises, the Senate is way past their deadlines with getting the Health Care Bill pushed through.  President Obama is furious that what was supposed to be one of the pillars of his domestic policy is still waiting in legislative limbo.  As a result he has threatened to enact a little known executive power and take away the Senate’s winter vacation.

“I do not want to speak to the Senate out of anger,” said Obama in a press conference.  “But I will say that I am very disappointed.”  At hearing this all Senators present became very uncomfortable and hung their heads low.

Naturally there has been a backlash against the President.  Some Democratic allies are saying the bills are making headway, and were only made a few days late after the Senate went on a massive bender last week.  The President has remained unsympathetic to the hangover excuse.  Republicans are up in arms, saying the action would be “cruel” and “unconstitutional.”

“What the President is trying to do violates the law, and our contract with the American people,” said Saxby Chambliss of Georgia.  “Just because we haven’t done what he calls ‘Our Job’ doesn’t mean he can take away our vacation!”  Republican Senators are protesting by staging a lunch sit-in at a 5 star restaurant later today.

The right wing blogosphere is jumping with rumors that the President is going to cancel Christmas is Health Reform does not get passed.  Fox News provided all day coverage on the rumor.  White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs made an announcement stating that the President has no intention of canceling Christmas, or any other holiday.  The hosts of Fox and Friends countered by saying, “Well that’s exactly what he wants you to think!”

If Republican politicians are not allowed to take winter vacations, entire ski towns may go bankrupt.  Vail, Aspen, and Breckenridge are on a short list of townships who rely on Republican officials coming once a year and spending money on hotels with champagne fountains and gold rimmed toilets.  Without the annual support of wealthy politicians, these towns will go under.  The Colorado Masseuse and Grape Peelers Union filed an official complaint with the Presidents proposed action.

President Obama will be in meetings with Nancy Pelosi later today to try and reach a comprimise, a reasonable set of goals that the Senate will have to achieve in order to receive a winter vacation.  For each day they actually get legislative work done, the Senate will receive a gold star sticker on the President’s calendar.

WASHINGTON, DC – Democrats finally presented the health care reform bill yesterday and then celebrated into the early hours this morning.

The health care reform bill has been finalized and is ready to be voted on for house and senate approval.  This marks a milestone for Democrats, and is a huge step towards replacing an industry run by large corporations with a government run bureaucracy.  If the bill is passed, it will be the first major legislation the Democrats have been able to pass after gaining their Super-Majority nearly a year ago.

To celebrate Democrat leadership went on a massive bender last night.  Senators and congressmen are thought to be involved in numerous cases of disorderly conduct, noise violations, pubic indecency, and the theft of a several farm animals.  Nancy Pelosi in particular is wanted for questioning by the FBI.

Harry Reid is believed to have started the entire ordeal by bringing a case of champagne to the private chambers of the Senate for a toast.  Not long after the celebration turned raucous and two junior congressmen were carrying in the Congressional Beer Pong table.  Credit Card statements show that Mr. Reid purchased some farm equipment from a Super Wal-Mart at 2:30am.  He is believed to be involved in the appearance of a dozen farm animals that mysteriously showed up on Mitch McConnell’s lawn painted with the phrase “Tough Tacos!”  There is still no word on exactly where the animals were stolen from.

Park police reported seeing several middle aged men streaking across the Washington Mall.  None of the men were apprehended and no positive IDs were made.  However they were heard to be shouting “Public Option!” repeatedly.

Rahm Emanuel and Nancy Pelosi are shown on security camera footage renting a limousine shortly before midnight.  Pelosi and Emanuel were seen standing out of the sun roof singing along to “Pokerface” by Lady Gaga.  Several noise residential complaints were called in on to the Speaker of the House.  This limousine is also thought to be responsible for multiple moonings throughout the Metro DC area.  According to witnesses as the vehicle went by, every window of the stretch limousine had a bare backside pressed up against the glass.  Three old women are in the hospital this morning due to shock from the sight.

Details are scarce but the FBI would like to speak with Ms. Pelosi regarding a few flaming bags of excrement that were left on the doorstep of the Indian Embassy.

Democrats have all reported in to work this morning, most with dark sunglasses and large cups of coffee.  As of yet no Democrats have made an official statement about last night.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed a financing bill in an unorthodox manner.

Schwarzenegger vetoed the Assembly Bill 1176, which would have ultimately assisted San Francisco with financing concerns.

These types of city-specific bills are often signed without much comment from the Governor. The bill would have created specific financing districts and allowed the City to give them different financing plans.

However, Schwarzenegger returned the unsigned bill with a strange memo:

While Assemblymen were confused by his convoluted note, they soon noticed a controversial hidden message!

Was this an accident? Or did the Governor inappropriately act out?

Schwarzenegger has yet to comment on the found message.

WASHINGTON, DC – Senator Joe Lieberman has said he will sink the health care bill, just to be a rebel.

“You don’t know me!  I don’t live by your rules!  You can’t box me in with your labels.  I will break out of your box.  You can’t control me, I’m Joe Lieberman!”  This was the scene Tuesday as Joe Lieberman was escorted from the Senate by guards, wearing a leather jacket that didn’t fit right.  When asked what happened Security confirmed that Mr. Lieberman had asked to be led from the room by Security personnel, and directly to the cameras.

Lieberman, in keeping with his recent tradition, has sided with the Republicans yet again.  This time he is threatening to vote against the Health Care bill if it has the Public Option attached to it.  Taking the Senate floor, wearing his ill-sized leather coat and dark sunglasses, Lieberman said, “The Public Option is for socialists and squares!”

Critics claim that Lieberman is shifting to the Republican ranks so he can be the ‘coolest’ senator in the group.  His transition began when Harry Reid started driving his Harley to Capital Hill every morning.  That morning Reid was given Lieberman’s seat at the Democrat table in the Senate Cafeteria.  Tensions have been escalating between Lieberman and the Democrats ever since.

Now Lieberman is the new It-Senator of the Republican party.  Other Republicans are tripping over themselves to validate of Joe Lieberman.  Amongst the group there is a much lower bar and Lieberman easily has the best jokes.  Longtime friends have tried to tell Joe that the GOP is only interested in his vote, however he appears unreceptive.

Last night Joe Lieberman and several other Senators were seen driving through gated residential areas in Virginia knocking over mailboxes and drafting conservative legislation.