Republicans leaders in Washington don’t care if their blood type matches Ronald Reagan’s, they want some of his blood in their bodies!  And they are paying a hefty price to get some of the Reagan blood.

An auction for vials  containing President Reagan’s blood has been more successful than organizers could ever have imagined, according to sources who know officials at his presidential foundation.

The vials were originally planned to  be donated to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, but leaders such as John Boehner, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Eric Cantor and a host of other Republicans and talk show hosts (Sean Hannity, Mark Levin) wanted the blood themselves and have scooped up all the vials – for a hefty price.

The consignor, who bought the vial at another auction back in February for $3,550, agreed to call off the auction and donate the vial instead. The donor wishes to remain anonymous, the Reagan Foundation said.

Republicans hope that by having Reagan’s blood in them, they will be even closer to the 40th President and can tell constituents that they have “Reagan in my blood.”

Here’s three happy Reagan blood receipients:

Conservatives around the country have been calling non-stop to get their hands on some of the Reagan blood, believing that if they can get even one drop in their body, then they can become as great a leader as Reagan, whom they consider to be the greatest President that ever lived – anywhere.

So, hurry!  Get some of Reagan blood, before there’s not a drop of it left in this country!

The Obama Administration feels that the American dollar is in bad need of a makeover.  They have partnered with the Dollar ReDe$ign Project to pick a new design for U.S. currency.  Currently, the design that the administration likes best was done by Dowling Duncan (a British duo), which features a unique vertical design.  It also features President Obama on the one dollar bill.

“We love the Dowling Duncan look.  They’ve come up with a creative design and put President Obama where he belongs… on number 1,” said David Axelrod, Senior Adviser to President Obama.

The Dollar Redesign Project was organized by creative strategy consultant Richard Smith.  He is still soliciting ideas for the dollar bill of the future. “Our great ‘rival’, the Euro, looks so spanky in comparison it seems the only clear way to revive this global recession is to rebrand and redesign,” the project notes on its website.

Here’s the web site for  The Dollar Redesign Project.

“Don’t waste your time submitting a design, it’s a done deal,” said Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff.  The President wants “change” in the currency and we’ve unanimously picked Dowling Duncan’s work.  Fed Chairman, Benjamin Bernanke, has signed off on our choice for the redesign.  We intend to have the money in circulation by June, 2011.”

Emanuel went on to say that there are plans to redo U.S. coins as well.  “We don’t need a complete redesign of our coins, but we do want to put President Obama on the penny and move President Lincoln to the nickel. Thomas Jefferson, who was on the nickel, will be… discontinued.”  Republican  Congressman Paul Ryan suggested President Obama be  put on both the “nickel and dime” instead of the penny.

Another American icon might also be replaced.  “Uncle Sam is outdated,” said Axelrod.  “We need to update this icon as well.  It will now be Uncle Barack.”

Republicans are apoplectic about the changes the Administration is proposing.  “They won’t get this passed when we get control of the house,” said Minority Leader John Boehner.  “Typical Republicans, they want to block everything, even a little meaningless design issue,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.  “It doesn’t matter what they think, we’re going to pass this and every American will be carrying Obama dollars in their wallets and purses come June, 2012.”

FYI:  The Obama dollar will reportedly be worth $0.47.

The archdiocese of New York, headed by Cardinal Timothy Dolan, the archdiocese of Washington, D.C., headed by Cardinal Donald Wuerl, the University of Notre Dame, and 40 other Catholic dioceses and organizations around the country announced on Monday that they are suing the Obama administration for violating their freedom of religion, which is guaranteed by the First Amendment to the Constitution.

The University of Notre Dame sent the Leprechaun to speak on behalf of the lawsuit and he immediately challenged Obama to a cage match as a way to settle the issue “like men.”

The Obama Administration has agreed to a fight, but instead of fighting the Leprechaun, the administration wants a football game between the Washington Redskins and the Fighting Irish.  The President feels it is a fair fight, especially since Notre Dame has “Touchdown Jesus” on their side.

“The President believes the lawsuit can be settled quickly and effeciently with a football game – and it will be much more entertaining than a debate in front of the Supreme Court,” said an insider close the The White House.

The suits filed by the Catholic organizations focus on the regulation that Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius announced last August and finalized in January that requires virtually all health-care plans in the United States to cover sterilizations and all Food and Drug Administration-approved contraceptives, including those that can cause abortions.

The Catholic Church teaches that sterilization, artificial contraception and abortion are morally wrong and that Catholics should not be involved in them. Thus, the regulation would require faithful Catholics and Catholic organizations to act against their consciences and violate the teachings of their faith.

“We have tried negotiation with the Administration and legislation with the Congress–and we’ll keep at it–but there’s still no fix,” Cardinal Dolan, who is also president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops said in a statement released by the conference this morning.

Cardinal Dolan has agreed to coach the Notre Dame football team for one game and Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly has agreed.  ”Dolan really knows his x’s and o’s, and he also has some tricks up his sleeves,” said the Notre Dame coach.  ”It could be a rout.”

Reporters thought that President Obama was merely calling Mitt Romney a vampire in a figurative way – making the claim that  Mitt Romney is a heartless, job-destroying financier.   A n attack on Mr. Romney’s record as head of Bain Capita Brain Capital.

But today, the White House released DNA evidence that “proves being a shadow of a doubt” that Mitt Romney is a, in fact, a real life bloodsucker.

And there are rumors that his wife is a vampire as well:

Will this line of assault work for Mr. Obama, where it didn’t for Mr. Gingrich?

“We think that it will actually help our candidate,” said a source close to Mitt Romney.  ”President Obama announced that he was gay and it seems to have helped him in the polls.  There are a lot of pro-vampire voters in the country and we think Mitt will get a bump in the polls from the revelation.”

Here’s a new supporter of Mitt Romney:

So when did Mitt Romney become a vampire?

Sources say that Mitt was a normal, superrich man until after the 2008 primary elections.  ”He took his loss to John McCain very hard and he sort of went into a cave,” said a source close to the Romney campaign.  ”The next time we saw him he just was biting everybody, looking for blood.  We were scared at first, but now everybody is used to it.  It actually makes him cool.”

Romney already has the Zombie vote, so now he can count on the vampire vote as well.

WASHINGTON – The White House reportedly is set to announce a redesign of the American flag.

Reports from sources close to the White House say that President Obama felt that the American flag, “like the Constitution,” was old and needed updating.

Here’s what the new flag will look like:

The administration is supposedly ordering all government buildings to begin displaying the flag on August 4th, 2012.  That’s the President’s 51st birthday.

“The old flag has become a negative symbol around the world and many people in other countries are often burning it in protest,” said an aide close to White House insiders.  ”The new flag will be a symbol of hope and change for the world and the White House believes that there will be far fewer flag burnings across the globe with the new flag.”

The Administration feels that President Obama’s face immediately makes a person think of the best parts of America:  equality, fairness and respect.  “President Obama’s face is more unifying than 50 stars,” an aide to a Democratic operative said.  “Out of many, one.”

The President is reportedly planning on making a speech at the official unveiling of the flag.  In the speech, he intends to apologize to the world for the negative symbol that the flag has become.  ”Our new flag is one that will bring the world together, in harmony, peace and love,” a senior aide reportedly told WWN.

The flag is already being flown outside the Capitol Building:

There are some houses in Lake County, Florida that got an “advanced copy” of the flag – and are proudly flying it.

But tempers are flaring over the new version of the American flag.  A veterans group says the flag is an outrage. Korean war veteran Don Van Beck said his blood was boiling.

According to sources close to the Romney camp,  Bat Boy could get the nod as soon as next week.  Campaign insiders say that Mitt Romney has looked at Marco Rubio, Condoleezza Rice, Rob Portman and Chris Christie as possible running mates, but he feels that Bat Boy will give him the “sizzle” his campaign sorely needs.

“Bat Boy is from West Virginia and really understands the struggles that the middle class is going through,” said a Romney advisor.  ”With Bat Boy on the ticket, the Republicans should be able to carry the south, the midwest and all the Hollywood who all love mutants.

Some inside the Republican party are not happy with Bat Boy as the VP choice.  Karl Rove is said to be working overtime on a smear campaign to destroy Bat Boy’s credibility.

“Since that college professor pulled him out of a cave in West Virginia in 1992, he’s never fully acclimated to human culture, and he has a reputation for doing what the hell he wants to do regardless of the consequences,” said Rove.

But the Romney camp is not worried about Rove.  ”Bat Boy’s past is unusual, anyway, so there’s no doubt Rove and his minions, can make some hay with it,” said a campaign insider. “But we think we are making a great choice.  He’s certainly a much better choice than Sarah Palin.”

The Obama campaign has no comment on  Bat Boy as the VP nominee, but clearly they are worried.  ”Except for Richard Nixon, there’s never really been a mutant running for office.  So, we will have to rethink our strategy.”

As for the legality of Bat Boy running for vice president, Republicans have determined that because the famed imp was born in the United States, he is a citizen despite the fact that he’s not entirely human.

He is thought to be just 16 or 17 years old, adds the Republican source, “but if you measure his age in bat years, he’s more like 179, plenty old enough to qualify for the No. 2 spot.”

Romney plans on making his announcement about Bat Boy in a cave in West Virginia.   99% of bats have already pledged their support.

CARTAGENA, Colombia – The Colombian woman in the middle of the Secret Service scandal has spoken out.

“Mi servicio no es un secreto,” said the prostitute confidentially to a reporter for Cartagena’s El Heraldo.

So when a member of the Secret Service refused to pay her, she refused to leave. Fully aware of the hotel’s guest registration policy, she knew if she wasn’t out by 7:00AM someone would come looking.

And they did. Hotel staff was sent to the room and found the young prostitute in the room with a U.S. agent. When he still refused to pay her, Cartagena police were called.

Prostitution is legal in certain areas of Colombia, including Cartagena.

According to reports, this year’s Summit of the Americas brought more than just heads-of-state to Cartagena. Scores of female prostitutes flooded the city’s upscale bars and clubs, including the lively terrace bar at the Hotel Caribe where the Secret Service contingent was staying.

Other prostitutes have started talking to Colombian media outlets about their experiences with the members of the U.S. Secret Service. TMZ has reportedly struck a deal to bring their stories to the U.S. market.

WASHINGTON. BREAKING NEWS ***  President Barack Obama has resigned the Presidency of the United States!

President Barack Obama has shocked the nation! He called the White House Staff into the Oval Office and announced that he is going to resign as President of the United States.

The President has notified the broadcast networks that he wants to address the nation Wednesday (April 17th) night at 8pm.  With the faltering economy, the potential overturning of Obamacare, his low approval level and after spending the week on the campaign trail  (and in Colombia) – with dwindling donors –  he has decided to call it quits.

President Obama faces numerous challenges at home and abroad.  The economy is getting worse and everything he does seems to make it worse.  Many in the White House feel that the President has fallen into a deep depression.  There are rumors that he started taking Prozac last week.

He also does not feel that he has the experience on foreign policy to handle the ongoing conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan as well as the new  military action in Libya in addition to the turmoil in the Middle East.

But the President will seek to immediately calm Americans.

“I know that Joe Biden will be more than capable of stepping into the Presidency.  He already is putting together his new cabinet,”  President Obama told his staff.

White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, would not comment, but said that the President will be “perfectly clear about his resignation tonight.”

Joe Biden was unavailable, but WWN talked to members of Biden’s staff, who say Biden is confident that he can handle all the challenges facing the country.  “Joe is an expert on foreign policy.  He knows he can deal effectively and swiftly with all military conflicts around the world.”

Rumors are that Biden may appoint Hillary Clinton as his Vice President.  Further rumors have Joe Biden resigning in August, which would make Hillary President and put her in position to easily win re-election in November of 2012.

Events are progressing rapidly.  Check back with WWN, for an update!

Here’s our new President and VP!

Mitt Romney, will be competing in the Olympics in London this summer – on the U.S. Bodyboarding Team.

Republican candidate for President, Mitt Romney got some good news over the weekend. He’s officially made the U.S. Bodyboarding Team and will be competing this summer in the London 2012 Olympics.

How can Mitt compete in the Olympics and run for President at the same time?

“No problem, for Mitt.  He’s wrapped up the Republican nomination and he will only have to be in London for one week.  He can do it all,” said Romney’s senior campaign adviser, Eric Fehrnstrom.  ”He’s like an etch-a-sketch.  He can be a candidate one minute, then you shake him up and he’s an Olympics athlete.”

Barack Obama was not impressed with Romney’s selection to the team.  ”I’ve been a pretty damn good bodyboarder my whole life. Besides, I look better in a bathing suit than Mitt,” the President reportedly said.

Mitt Romney had no response to the President.  He was busy in La Jolla, California this weekend, working out with his bodyboard:

This is the first year that “bodyboarding” is an Olympic sport.  Romney plan on “taking home the gold” and then “hanging it the wall in the White House in January.”

He carried the torch then, and plans to carry the torch in London.

Romney is known in “bodyboarding” circles as Mr. Steady.  ”The guy never falls off.  It’s a miracle.  No matter how hard a wave crashes on him, he never lets go of his board.”

Romney will not be the only politician competing in Olympic Bodyboarding. Vladimir Putin will be on the Russian team.

WASHINGTON  - President Obama issued an executive order yesterday – putting a ten percent tax on yoga studios and everything related to yoga. 

“We see this as a fairness issue,” said a source inside the White House, adding that Pilates would be next.   “There’s a lot of people doing yoga and the government needs to get a piece of that action. They’ve been untaxed for too long.”

The new tax policy was met with cries of protest from the yoga business community. For years, studios budgeted without the expectation of a sales-tax hit.

“Yoga classes have been around forever and not taxed,” said Willow Lark , executive director of  Yoga America.

She said the new tax policy could not have come at a worse time, with the industry just beginning to get back on its feet after the economic downturn, or what she termed “the yoga crisis.”

Like most businesses, yoga studios likely would pass the sales tax on to the customer, forcing prices up.  That will cause yoga participants a great deal of stress, which will in turn, cause them to take more yoga.  ”That’s what we are counting on.  A Yoga explosion,” said a White House source.

Lark added, “It is important that we have stress-relieving activities that are affordable to all levels of income. Something like this is a threat to that.   A nation without yoga, is a nation without peace.”

On Monday afternoon, more than 2,000 yogis and Yoga  managers, studio owners and instructors across the country sat down in the lotus position to meditate on what to do  – they’re still there.

The Yoga community as a whole gave the tax news a big downward dog.