WASHINGTON D.C. – President Obama has launched a new plan to keep kids in school. Puts the pressure of under-performing schools to get their act together!

President Obama shifted his focus to the nation’s school dropout epidemic on Monday. He proposed a $900 million school grant to states and education districts that agree to drastically change their worst performing schools.

“Over 1 millions students don’t finish high school each year,” Obama said during an education event at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. He went on to add that there may have been a time when kids could leave school and still get a good enough blue collar job to pay the bills, but: “That’s just not the case anymore.”

The $900 million in grants will target states with graduation rates of less than 60 percent. If schools fail to increase those rates they will face the prospect of new principals, new managements, or even outright closure.

“There’s got to be a sense of accountability,” the president added during the event. America’s Promise Alliance sponsored the event which was founded by former Secretary of State Colin Powell.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama held a bipartisan Health Care Summit yesterday.  To keep opposing factions together he summoned the snow gods to bring a blizzard!

Yesterday’s Health Care Summit lasted for over six hours and broke records as being the most work legislators have done in months.  News crews and hundreds of television cameras forced politicians to talk about health care reform while in a room together.  Some claim the highly televised event was an act of “political theater” intended to put on a show.  However insiders believe the presence of cameras kept the politicians on task, discouraging the fist fights and beer pong matches that are so often a part of the political process.  To help push the health care bill forward, President Obama even summoned the elder snow gods to bring a blizzard and keep law makers trapped in a room together.

President Obama has summoned the elder gods of the North, to bring a blizzard which is currently pounding the eastern seaboard.  Earlier this week he met with his Secretary of Paranormal Activity to determine an appropriate ritual.  He and Secretary Mabius decided on a ritual to summon the elder winter gods of the North to help keep politicians talking yesterday.  Great lengths were required to keep opposing factions in a room together for six hours.  Lawmakers from both parties, predominantly elderly white men, were sufficiently scared to go outside once the snow began for fear they might fall and break a hip then have to rely on the health care system they refused to fix for political reasons.

White House spokespeople confirm that no animals were harmed in the ritual itself.  The skin of a polar bear, which died of natural causes, was worn by the President in the White House Rose Garden.  There he made a deal with the elder gods, and in exchange for snow he gave them tax exempt status as a state recognized religious institution.  Schools and businesses throughout the Northeastern United States are closed today due to the President’s incantation.

LOS ANGELES, CA – The Governator isn’t exactly pleased with the way his fellow Republicans are handling the stimulus package!

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, accused his Republican colleagues of blatant hypocrisy on the stimulus package. He says that they have railed against the jobs bill in public but they have not hesitated to pose for pictures for stimulus-related projects and ceremonies in their home districts.

In his appearance on ABC’s This Week, Schwarzenegger pointed out former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney in particular for arguing this past week that the stimulus bill hadn’t produced a single “net” job gain.

“I find it interesting that you have a lot of the Republicans running around, and pushing back on the stimulus money saying, ‘This doesn’t create any news job,’” said Schwarzenegger. “And then they go out and do the photo ops, posing with the big check and the say: ‘Isn’t this great, look at the kind of money I’ve provided for the state and this is money to create jobs, and this has created 10,000 new jobs, this has created 20,000 new jobs, and all those kinds of things.’ It doesn’t match up.”

It’s hypocrisy, said host Terry Moran. “Exactly,” replied Schwarzenegger. He also called for fellow Republicans to work with President Obama to find solutions to the country’s problems.

“I dont want to beat up on my Republican colleagues, but I think it’s kind of politics rather than thinking about only one thing, and this is, how do we support the president?” he said. “How do we support him and do everything we can in order to stimulate the economy?”

A recent report has confirmed that the stimulus bill saved or created up to 2.5 million jobs and economists have agreed that the bill helped prevent a major depression. In addition, a research report by Think Progress found that 110 Republican lawmakers, whom voted against the stimulus, are guilty of stimulus hypocrisy by appearing at various ceremonies in their home states praising stimulus funds for creating jobs.

“Anyone that says this hasn’t created a job, they should talk to the 150,000 people getting jobs in California,” he added, “from the private sector and also from the public sector.”

WASHINGTON D.C. – During last night’s White House meeting, Joe Biden’s forehead gained most of the attention!
Sky News host, Kay Burley, is going to need some time to remove her foot from her mouth. Burley will be forever known for ill-judged remark about Joe Biden’s Ash Wednesday mark.

Burley made her remarks during a discussion with Sky News’ US correspondent following a televised address from Vice President Biden on the state of the US economy. Speaking out loud about the mark, Burley suggested that the vice president might “have walked into a door,” while her co-host suggested that he might have had an accident at the Winter Olympics in Canada.

Burley should have stopped there, but she didn’t. “He’s probably been having a go on those tea trays down the luge or something… It certainly looks like quite a bruise, doesn’t it?” she added, digging her hole just a bit deeper. Fortunately, for her sake, she was informed of her error during the next commercial break and offered her apologies.

“I know that I am a very bad Catholic,” Burley said. “I know now that it is Ash Wednesday and I know that those are ashes on his forehead. I hang my head in shame. I’ll be back in just a moment.”

Check out her blunder below.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Senator Evan Bayh will not seek re-election this year.  Citing an overly partisan climate in Washington he has decided to return to his home planet!

Democrats were shocked yesterday when Evan Bayh announced he is retiring from the Senate, and that he is in fact an alien.  “There are many great people working for you humans in the Senate.  But there is too much partisan bickering in Washington to make any progress.  I have evolved past such things.  And as such, I must leave this place.”  The Democratic Senator floated away from the press conference before stopping at a Chipotle, then back to his home in a gated community.

His absence will leave another gaping hole for Democrats to fill, and further erodes their power in the Senate.  “That’s one less Democrat fighting the good fight” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, while finishing a bottle of Jack Daniels by himself.  Senate Republicans were ecstatic at the continued loss of Democrat power.  Scott Brown was seen standing on his desk and rubbing olive oil on his chest to celebrate.

Senator Bayh was an influential member of the Democrat party.  He never lost a single election at the state or local levels.  This amazing winning streak is thought to be a product of his alien heritage, either subtle form of mind control native to his species or a more highly evolved sense of public speaking.  Some experts believe his political influence is pheromone based.

“He was just too good looking to be true” said Beatrice Destin, a Senate Cafeteria worker reacting to the news.  “Of course he isn’t human.  He’s probably married too.”  The Senator was recently offered a nude photo shoot in Cosmo magazine.  Bayh turned down the offer saying “NO!  I mean, thank you for the flattering offer but, NO!  I’m a politician, not a trained monkey!  Politics and entertainment aren’t the same, just no.”

The Senator will abdicate his office soon.  Shortly thereafter he will take some time on his home planet to “relax, and think out my next move.”  Whether he may return to earth to seek a more executive position remains uncertain.

NEW YORK, NY – Joe the Plumber has a pretty big bone to pick with John McCain and Sarah Palin!

Joe the Plumber, also known as Samuel Wurzelbacher, rose to fame in the 2008 U.S. presidential election as the McCain-Palin campaign used him as a metaphor for middle-class Americans. He was a strong critic of Barack Obama’s small business tax policy.

Well it seems as though Wurzelbacher has changed his allegiances and no longer values McCain. At a benefit for a Pennsylvania Republican state representative Sam Rohrer, he voiced his displeasure. “I don’t owe him s—. He really screwed my life up, is how I look at it.”

He went as far as saying that McCain was “no public servant” and calling him a career politician. He feels as though he was a ploy of the McCain campaign because he happened to be the face of middle Americans. He also stated that he no longer backs Sarah Palin because she is supporting the Arizona Republican’s re-election bid.

Joe the Plumber did have some nice things to say – about President Obama. “I think his ideology is urn-American, but he’s one of the more honest politicians. At least he told us what he wanted to do,” said Wurzelbacher.

The man known by many as Joe the Plumber has certainly gotten the most out of his 15 minutes of fame. He has become a motivational speaker and has used the stage set in front of him to speak about the issues that are important to him. He’s been asked to support more than 200 politicians but to date has only shown support for five. For someone that was never in the spotlight, Joe the Plumber has certainly become a hot commodity.

WASHINGTON – Two vice presidents have touched gloves and started a battle of words!

Current Vice President Joe Biden and former Vice President Dick Cheney have engaged in a war of words with the only thing the two can agree on being how wrong each believes the other is. Biden made appearances on both CBS’ Face the Nation and NBC’s Meet the Press, while Cheney appeared on ABC’s This Week.

The two political figures clashed on a number of topics, with the most dominant issue being the war on terror and the United States stance on national security. Cheney has been a frequent critic of the Obama administration. Back in December, Cheney said of Obama, “I think on his part he does not have the kind of commitment to the private sector that most of us have lived with in the past,” and that’s just a small sample.

“It’s the mind-set that concerns me,” Cheney said of President Obama’s handling of national security. He also criticized Obama’s order to outlaw “enhanced interrogation techniques, including waterboarding.” Cheney is also a strong proponent of the possibility of another terrorist attack on U.S. soil on the scale of 9/11.

Biden, who is on record for calling Cheney the most dangerous vice president in history, disagree completely with the idea of another 9/11 type of attack. “I always underestimate the way Dick Cheney approaches things,” Biden said on Face the Nation. “The reason it’s unlikely is because we have been relentless, absolutely relentless in isolating al Qaeda.”

This is a war of words that certainly sees no resolution anytime soon. The vice presidents will continue to disagree and throw jabs at one another’s respective administrations. Check out a taste of their exchange below.\

HOUSTON, TX – Debra Medina self destructs on the Glenn Beck show.  Glenn Beck destructs right back.

Debra Medina appeared on the Glenn Beck radio program yesterday morning.  Coming from reasonable obscurity she is now one of the front runners in the race to be Governor of Texas.  Until yesterday when she admitted to believing that the government organized 9/11.  Further prodded by Beck she proceeded to crack completely from the pressure.  And Glenn Beck broke down right back!

On his radio program Beck asked Medina about rumors that she was a 9/11 Truther, a group that believes the government had a hand in organizing the World Trade Center attacks.  Medina avoided the question at first, claiming that the signal was getting bad.  She proceeded to make static noises into her phone.  Beck reminded Medina that she was on a landline and everyone could tell she was making the noises with her mouth, and then asked her again.  Medina avoided the question and started talking about her tax plans for Texas.

Beck, now angry and excited enough that he was sniffling between thoughts, asked her again if she believed there was any truth to the 9/11 rumors.  “It’s just, I can’t” Medina responded.  “THERE’S JUST TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!”  “NOOO!!!”  Glenn Beck was distraught to hear a conservative candidate he had endorsed admit to this.  “How can we know?” Medina continued.  “The movement raises good questions!!  Footage could have been doctored!  Witnesses could have been planted!  The government could have been behind the whole thing!!  WE DON’T KNOW!!”  Medina continued to ramble nervously while Beck in turn continued to cry into his microphone about the loss of a candidate he had such high hopes for.  He then alternated between crying and working himself into an angry froth.  He and Medina were each continued reacting to the others unintelligible ramblings.  They continued on like this for 14 minutes.

Debra Medina rose from political obscurity and rocketed to the forefront of the Governors race based on a grassroots conservative platform.  Throughout Texas she had gained immense grassroots support based on her policies for lower taxes and replacing sex ed in schools with gun ownership and marksmanship.  “Both help keep our little girls from getting pregnant, but my way takes the offensive!”  Her official policy towards the Mexican border was “Shoot first, ask questions later,” which then became her campaign slogan.  Now her chances in the gubernatorial race are seen as highly unlikely.

Medina and her team are desperately trying to do damage control on yesterday’s outburst.  Publicists issued a statement yesterday afternoon that the entire segment was a comedy routine that she and Beck had written beforehand.  Medina herself went online and wrote “I in no way am a member of the 9/11 Truth movement.  I believe in the World Trade Center was attacked by Muslim terrorists.  And that both buildings fell straight down like an organized demolition, despite how unlikely that seems.  I would never tell other Americans what they can or cannot think, and would hope the good citizens of Texas feel the same.”  Political experts agree that in Texas it’s still a tossup whether this will help or hinder her.

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Barack Obama made an announcement Tuesday that if Republicans continue to block all legislation, he will seek punitive action.

According to the Constitution, he is allowed to beat Senators with a stale baguette. Barack Obama made a surprising announcement Tuesday in front of the White House press corps.  Republicans have vowed to block all Democrat legislation, with filibusters or whatever means available.  In order to get his appointees through in a timely fashion, the President has threatened to use recess appointments and various forgotten bylaws in the Constitution.

“The time for partisan bickering is over.”  The President said yesterday.  “Our country needs action, not political posturing.  If the Republican politicians are too busy following their ideology to actually find solutions, then they need to step aside.  And if they won’t do so voluntarily, we will make them step aside.”

The President is enacting little known laws that will allow him extra powers to push forward legislation.  Stipulated within the Constitution are bylaws put in place if a group of politicians are blocking nationally necessary legislation for political reasons.  The Health Care and economic crises are outstanding enough to enact these emergency powers.

Originally the President was alloted these powers by the founding fathers.  Politicians who were still loyal to the crown made it their duty to block any and all legislation that came through teh house or senate.  President George Washington took in upon himself to make an example of the men and beat them thoroughly with a stale baguette in front of Congress.  Once the message was clear, new provisions were made giving the President permission to do such things in special circumstances.  “Those who would put their political interests before those of the country,” said Washington “can hardly deign to call themselves men.”  These powers have expanded and changed over the years.  Andrew Jackson once brought a horsewhip into the Senate.  When conservatives threatened to filibuster the much needed New Deal legislation, Franklin Roosevelt had the men bent over and spanked with a large paddle until they rescinded the threat.  Theodore Roosevelt rode his horse into Congress, pulling a tied up representative from Alabama behind him who admitted to starting the rumor that Roosevelt’s agriculture bill would increase taxes.

It is unlikely that the diplomatic President Obama will resort to such dramatic means.  Most experts believe he will simply use recess appointments.  Michelle Obama, on the other hand, has openly stated that she is ready to give any opposing Republicans “Two tickets, to the Gun Show!”  The First Lady’s impressive biceps and Tae Bo skills may be the Democrats only hope of pushing through the Health Care bill.

NASHVILLE, TN – Sarah Palin caught cheating at the keynote address at the Tea Party convention.  Incident will go on her permanent record.

Over the weekend former Governor Sarah Palin delivered the keynote address to the first annual Tea Party convention in Tennessee.  She spoke about several topics including how Democrat policies will turn the country into a socialist post apocalyptic wasteland, general conservative talking points, and who is allowed to use the word “Retard.”  For ten minutes she made jokes about President Obama and his dependence on teleprompters.  Photographic evidence has shown that she was also given notes during her speech, but wrote them on her hand.  If this will affect her standing with the arch-conservative Tea Party remains to be seen, as they have yet to correctly use the term “Irony.”

Palin criticized Democratic policies for nearly an hour without ever being too specific.  Most of her political critique consisted of “Democrats are like this…” then repeating quotes in a silly voice while crossing her eyes and flailing her arms.  The crowd loved it.  “I mean, Socialized Healthcare, Oh my god!  Right?”  She continued “And President Obama, what kind of butthead can be President for a year and get nothing done?  I’m not going to reduce myself to name calling here, I’m just asking a question.  His actions are leading this country straight into chaos and it will take serious measures to get us back on track!”

She mentioned that Rahm Emmanuel should be fired for referring to people as “Retards.”  She also said that it’s okay when Rush Limbaugh calls his opponents “Retards.”  “Because he’s Rush, ya know?  When he says it, it’s, you know, whatever!  You get it, right crowd?”  The crowd cheered in support of her argument.  After her speech she asked everyone to friend her on facebook and twitter.

Though Democrats are criticizing Palin for writing notes on her hand, and referring to them often when she was asked questions, it is unlikely she will face any repercussions within the Republican party.  One insider states “she’s just way to popular to get in trouble.”  Another anonymous source says, “Oh yeah, when you’re that popular and pretty, people let you get away with anything.  Like last year she totally lost her son, then three months later found him in the back of a closet.  Everybody just covered for her afterwords.”

Talk of succession was rampant, despite not being on the official agenda.  Overall the week long event led to a stronger and more polarized Tea Party as a whole, unified by the poor decisions made after “discount moonshine happy hours” at local bars.