Asian women share tips on how to catch a man and keep him happy.

For generations Asian women learned how to treat a man by following rules laid down by Thai philosopher Sunthron Phu in his book Maxims for Teaching Women.  Now they’ve taken his words of wisdom that have been passsed down fro more than 2,000 years and updated them to deal with men in 2012.

Here are the winning recommendations for Western women who want to trade be successful in love and marriage:

1) YOUR MAN IS KING - Remember that your man/husband comes first – before you, your parents, your outside interests or even your children.

2) RISE EARLY.  Get up in the morning before your man does.  Make sure you prepare a healthy breakfast so he gets a good stare on the day.  Even if you have to leave before him, make sure he has a nice breakfast waiting for him when he comes into the kitchen in the morning.

3) NEVER NAG.   Never, ever. If he wants to stop off after work and have a few drinks with his buddies, that’s his business.  If he forgot to take out the garbage – do it yourself.

4)  BE AT HOME.  Make sure you’re always at home when he gets in from a hard day at the office.  Even if you are working, make sure you get home to your man/husband as soon as possible.

5)  SMILE.   Always greet your man with a smile on your face and, if you can, a cold drink in your hand.

6)  DINNER READY.    If you are home, or get home first, always have a delcious dinner ready to be served. And if he comes home feeling tense, give him a massage to ease his aches and pains.

7)  LET HIM HANG WITH FRIENDS.  If your man wants to have his buddies over for a night of poker, or football, or video games, don’t  get mad. Encourage it and make sure you’ve got lots of sandwiches and cold beer on hand to serve them.

8)  ASK FIRST.  Always ask him first before you go spending his hard-earned money, or even your hard-earned money, to buy something for yourself.

9)  REMOTE CONTROL.   Let him choose the programs you watch onteleveision.   The television is man’s domain… he should be in charge.  And only Netflix/rent HIS  favorite movies.

10)  OBEY.  Don’t do things your husband doesn’t approve of.  And don’t complain about it. If he doesn’t want you wasting tyour time watching soap operas or having coffee with a neighbor, obey him.  You’ll both be happier for it.

11)  WILD IN BED.  Be a temptress in bed.  I fhe likes you in sexy lingerie, wear it.  Be shy and demure when you’re out in public, but once the lights are out, let him know he’s the only man in the world who can please you.

12)  KNOW SPORTS.  Bone up on sports so you’ll have something to talk about. But always let him start the conversation.

13)  KEEP FIT. Keep yourself in shape and always dress nicely so you’ll be a wife any husband would be proud to have.

14)  CLEANING.  Keep your home spic and span at all times.  It should look like you’re expecting company.  And the laundry should always be done.  Your man  should never have to look for clean socks or underwear and his shirts should all be ironed – by you.

Follow ALL these steps and you will be happy for the rest of your life!

CAMBRIDGE, U.K. – A large new study done by scientists at Cambridge University prove that yoga helps lower back pain but causes mental illness.

The largest study ever done about the benefits of yoga examined over 5,800 people who did yoga regularly over a two-year period.  It concluded that yoga is extremely effective at relieving lower back pain, but yoga caused mental deficiencies in 80% of those studied and some kind of mental illness in over 72% of participants.

The study, funded by the British Institute of Health in collaboration with the U.S. National Institute of Health was published on Monday.

Smaller studies in the past have suggested that yoga, which involves stretching exercises along with a mental component of deep breathing and other relaxation techniques, was moderately effective at easing symptoms of chronic lower back pain and that people felt more “at peace.”

For years yoga experts (gurus) have claimed that yoga relieves stress, but while some people in the study did report less stress when doing yoga they felt more stress when they missed a yoga class.

“We were all surprised to learn that yoga had such a detrimental effect on a person’s mental health, and shocked to learn that it lowers IQ and causes the onset of dementia,” said Professor Karen Engelbert from the Cambridge University.

Look at this man.  He was a successful investment banker in London, but gave it all up to do this three hours a day:

The benefits of yoga are attributable to the physical benefits of stretching and the “good feeling” people get when stretching and manipulating their bodies in a hot room with other people.  ”Yoga does have many benefits for the body – even aerobically – but if you do it too much, many people lose interest in other aspects of their lives and tend to have trouble concentrating and doing simple tasks like tying their shoelaces,” said Engelbert.

The study found that many people who do yoga wind up walking around with a purple (or blue) mat even when they are not going to a yoga class.  It found that  yoga is “addictive” and recommends that a Yoga Anonymous (YA) be started in the United States so people who do yoga obsessively can get treatment, before they completely lose all their mental faculties.

Yoga affects women and men in the same way, but women do more yoga then men.  Of the 5,800 people in the study, 69% of those who went to yoga class regularly were women.   It did not matter if the people went to a yoga class or did yoga at home – the results were the same. Dementia.

People that participated in the study were also five times more likely to be on anti-depressants, anti-psychotic medicine and marijuana.  They were also more likely to own scented candles.

The bottom line:   yoga is good for the back, bad for the brain.

LONDON –  A new comprehensive study out of Cambridge University suggests that  the more you eat, the more weight you gain.

Eating more makes you gain weight.  Who woud have thought that?

Thanks to a newly released study by top nutritional scientists at Cambridge University (a study partially funded by the United States), we now have conclusive proof that eating food will cause a human being to gain weight.

But don’t get all excited about NOT eating food in order to loss weight.  The study also found that NOT eating can also make human being gain weight.  Eating a normal amount of food may also make you gain weight.  In fact, just being a human makes a human gain weight.

Sound crazy?  That’s what we thought.  But we looked into the study a bit closer…

Cambridge University spent the last twenty years studying weight gain in men and women between the ages of 1 and 99.  The study cost upwards of $30 million to complete.  ”It was the most comprehensive study done on weight gain in the history of mankind,” said Professor Robert Gilmeade of Cambridge.

“We would observe each subject for seven consecutive days, each month, over a several year period.  We kept a food diary for each person.  We also had a ‘control group’ that would abstain from eating for seven consecutive days, each month, over a three-four year period.   Our conclusion:  eating food  causes people to gain weight.”

“It might sound like a ridiculous study to many, but there it is a weight gain theory that has been around for centuries and we needed to determine whether it was true or not.  There have been some groups of people on the planet that have eaten very little food and gained weight, and there have been many groups of people that eat large quantities of food and have NOT gained weight.  So is it the food or is the activity level?  Or is it just genes?  That’s what we tried to determine,” said  Professor Gilmeade.

“Babies are fed food and they grow, but then at a certain point they stop growing and their bodies just metabolize the food,” said  Professor Rory Bansteed, who assisted Professor Gilmeade in the study.  ”Some adults gain weight, some don’t.  Some gain weight and lose weight and others just stay the same weight their entire lives.  That’s what we found.”

Cambridge plans on releasing the findings of the study to the public in the next week.  ”Many people make a resolution to lose weight when a New Year begins. We think that the data we gathered in the study will help people make better food choices and make them realize that if you eat too much, you will gain weight.

Bottom line:  it’s your genes.

But here are some groundbreaking findings in the study:

1) CALORIES.  If you eat more  than 4,000 calories a day – whether you are a man or  a woman – you will gain weight.

2) BEDTIME EATING.   If you eat over 800 calories right before you go to sleep, you will gain weight.  (Sumo wrestlers use this technique to put on pounds for competition).

3) STRAWBERRY SHAKES.  Surprisingly, it does not matter how  many of these you drink… even if you have only one in any given month, you will gain weight.

4) EXERCISE.  It’s  overrated.   You may lose weight, but you might not.  Or course, you need to exercise to keep your heart in good shape, and your body toned.  Other than that, it doesn’t matter much in terms of weight.

5) DRINKING ALCOHOL.  Makes you gain weight.  It also makes you make bad food choices, which also makes you gain weight.

6) DONUTS.  Not as bad as you think.  One or two a day is  fine.   Eating one or two bananas a day causes just as much weight gain.  Ergo, bananas equal donuts.

7) FAT WORLD.  We’re all getting fatter.  The average person weights 50 pounds more today than a person living in 1912.

8) PIZZA.  Cheese may clog  your arteries, but does it make you gain weight?   Not really.  You can eat three to four slices a day and it has no effect unless you are sitting in a chair all day.

9) BREATHING.  Some people gain weight just by breathing.

10) FORKLIFT.  If you have to be forklifted out of your house –  you’ve gained too much weight.

11) THIN PEOPLE.   They just have good genes. That’s it.  Some of them eat more than you do.  Just the luck of the draw… but some of them turn into “Food  Bullies.”

12) PROFESSORS AT CAMBRIDGE?  Generally, they reveal that they are in better shape than most people, especially Americans.

13) CHINA.  Most Chinese citizens are thin.  Most Americans are fat.  Why is this?  The study doesn’t say why, just shares the data.

14) VEGETABLES.   Vegetables also make you gain weight.  Tofu, too.

15) BABIES. They gain the most.  They usually double their body weight in six weeks.  Most adults don’t do that.

That’s it.  WWN will report the full findings of the report when it is released next week.

I’m madder than a Chinaman in a driver’s ed class about China taking over the world, because they’re not  going to take this Yankee to the cleaners.

Get real, folks!  China has been bailing out everyone since 2008 and they own just about all of United States of America.  I, for one, don’t like it one red bit!  The Chinese are good for getting barbecue sauce out of my pants crotch, and that’s about it.

We don’t need them over here taking away our forks!

I’m sick of buying things that say “Made In China.” I want all Americans to start buying things that say “Made in Ohio” or “Made in Texas”  or “Made in Bayonne.”   We don’t need to buy any more junk from China that usually falls apart within a week.  Either that or they poison our children with that paint they put on everything.

And we definitely don’t need any more fortune cookies!   My lucky number isn’t 8!

Those Chinese leaders think they’re pulling a fast one over the U.S.  Well, the Teleprompter Kid better wake up and give the Chinese a chop-chop to their wontons!

Those Chinese loan sharks think we’re a bunch of pansy pandas over here, but if they try to step on ol’ Ed Anger’s lawn they’re going to get a blast of dragon fire from my mouth.

Let’s face it, folks, we have to stop buying things made in China!  They don’t play fair, so we shouldn’t play fair.  Most of their stuff is made by five-year-old kids chained to tables, who are only fed monkey brains once a day.

Then they come to the fruited plains and insult Uncle Sam!  The Chinese went to the White House and had that piano player, Lang Lang, play an anti-American song.  I’d like to give Lang Lang a little Bang Bang, send him back to the rickshaw he was born in.

I’m sick of China!!!

I’m calling on all red-blooded Americans to throw their Chinese made products into the nearest American dumpster.  2011 is the Chinese Year of the Rabbit.  I’m hereby changing it to the Year of the Eagle – the American Eagle.

So throw out all your Chinese goods!   Order pizza instead!

Confucius says:  Listen to Ed Anger.   “He knows which way the egg rolls!”

CHICAGO – If your husband is useless, it may not be his fault, a top sociologist says.  He may just be a moron.

Sociologist Dr. Alberto Mireno, from Madrid, says a surprising number of men cannot comprehend the labels on ordinary household cleansers and don’t know how to satisfy their woman in the bedroom. They cannot understand how to cook and they don’t know how to make love.

“Too many women accuse their men of being lazy or boring when what’s really going on is that they’re mental midgets,” says Dr. Mireno, a visiting professor at Dartmouth College.  “I think if women understood that, they’d get along better with their partners.”

Dr. Mireno based his conclusions on interviews with more than 1,900 married American men. Tests revealed that 41 percent of the men were so dumb that they were incapable of doing household chores.  Another 67 percent failed a basic female anatomy test.

He agreed to share some of his test questions with women so they can quiz their men.  Husbands who miss four or more of the questions below should be considered, Dr. Mireno says, because they’re too stupid:

1. YELLOWED AND STAINED CLOTHING can be brightened by washing with a) Tile cleaner b) Bleach c) Lighter fluid.

2. THREE POUNDS of chicken liver at $1.30 a pound would cost: a) $3.90  b) $0.39 c) $2.67  d) All of the above.

3. A CLITORIS is a) Cough syrup b) Name for a woman’s breast nipple c)  Female erectile organ

4. MILK AND BUTTER can be found in this section of the supermarket: a) Canned goods aisle b) Produce section c) Meat department d) None of the above.

5.  FOREPLAY means a) Watching internet porn  b) Intimate psychological and physical acts c) Drinking beer

6.  SWIFTER an CLOROX are brand names for: a)  Cookies b) Cleaning supplies c) Sugar-coated cereals.

7,  POLYESTER is a) Type of fabric b) A famous cookbook author c)  A greaseless vegetable oil d) None of the above.

8. NUTRITION is a) The green mold that grows inside a refrigerator b) A chemical that makes laundry soft and fluffy c) A yeast used to make bread rise d) none of the above e) A and B

9. THE G-SPOT is  a) In the kitchen,  b)  In the bathroom  c) In your woman d) None of the above.

10. PREMATURE EJACULATION is a) When you masturbate before sex b) When your partner is satisfied first  c) When you only last two seconds.  d) All of the above

Correct answers (men):  if you have to ask, you’ll never know.

Hey ladies – You can turn any man into your boot-licking love slave with these tips from a top psychiatrist.

“Training a man is like training a dog – you use rewards and punishments to bend him to your will,” says Dr.  Jenny Rotondi  of Los Angeles.

“If you stand your ground, he’ll be eating out of your hand in just a few weeks.

“I guarantee it.”

Here are eight quick and easy way sto squeeze “free will” out of any man and turn him into your eager love servant.

1. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.  Before you can turn your man into your love slave, you have to decide just what it is you want your slave to do.  Not every woman wants sex (or a man to clean the bathroom).  When it comes to goals, shoot for the moon.  Is expecting your man to scrub toilets, wash and iron clothes, wash windows, mop floors, bring you flowers, and make made PASSIONATE love to you AND work full-time to bring home part of the bacon too much to expect?”  Heck, no.

2.  CUT HIM OFF.  Sex is the best training tool you’ve got, and denying it to your man is the quickest way to turn him into your slave.  For some guys, you’ll have to wait a few days for others, a month or two – but sooner or later, he’ll drop to his knees and promise you ANYTHING if you just agree to hive him some lovin’.

3.  DON’T BE AFRAID TO SHOW AFFECTION – AND TAKE IT AWAY.  Men desperately want women to love them unconditionally and approve of everything they do.  Use this weakness to your advantage by acting affectionately toward your man when he’s good and giving him icy stares and the silent treatment when he’s bad.

4.  BE VERY HARD TO PLEASE.  When your slave does something to make you happy, let him know that it’s O.K., but could be better. If he scrubs the shower clean, for example, make sure you find a few spots he missed.

5.  DON’T PRAISE HIM TOO MUCH.  Men who get lots of praise start thinking they’re acceptable just the way they are. An occasional “that’s fine” or “not bad” is plenty of back-patting.

6.  REWARD BREAKTHROUGH BEHAVIORS.  When a man cleans the toilet for the first time or mends a rip in your dress on his own without being coerced, a quickie love session or special meal will get his attention. Just make sure he understands the breakthrough chore is something you expect him to do from now on BEFORE you give him the sexual reward.

7.  DON’T BE AFRAID TO PUNISH YOUR SLAVE.   If he lets you down make him pay.  If he’s embarrassed when you call him “a dud in bed” in front of his friends, for example, invite them over for a barbecue – and let him have it.  Make sure he knows exactly why you’re all over his care.

8.  TO ERR IS HUMAN, TO FORGIVE IS EVEN WORSE.

You must hold a grudge when your slave gets lazy or lets you down in any way.  Bring up his failings often to keep him focused and avoid future letdowns.

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-T…

J-Train: Would you be Friends with Lebron James?

The Dallas Mavericks are NBA champions and all is right with the world. The sun has shined brighter. Music sounds better. Even the touch of your scary uncle feels softer. Good triumphed over evil – The Miami Heat have been thwarted, praise the Lord. America cheered so hard against Lebron James that it seemed personal. One of my friends even started calling him Daddy and kept yelling at the TV, “Why did you leave Mom?!” So I thought, sure, I get it, the guy is arrogant and thinks he’s bigger than the sport he plays, and better than any fan watching at home (spoiler alert: he is), but would I ever be friends with Lebron? Like everything in life, there are, of course, some Pros and Cons:

- Needy: He needed south beach. He needed Dwyane Wade. He needed Chris Bosh. Sounds like a guy who needs me to help him move. CON 

- Didn’t go to college: I never have to worry about meeting Lebron’s friends who talk about the changing political spectrum and the value of a Roth IRA. Also, anytime Lebron asks me a question like – “what’s political mean?” I get to answer him with – “they teach that in college” as I pat him gently on his head. Then I’ll explain to him that college grads, on average, make one million more dollars in their career than non-grads. PRO

- People think He’s Great: Scottie Pippen (much like everyone else) keeps talking about how awesome a player Lebron is even though he’s never won the big one. Have you ever had a friend who’s good looking but has no personality? Everyone you meet keeps talking about how good looking that friend is and all you can think about is how he introduces himself with a limp dead-fish handshake and a murmur of a hello. Then you start to hate that friend, not because he isn’t a nice guy, but because everyone else can’t get past his great looks to realize his horrible personality. And then your Ex sleeps with him? That’s Lebron. CON

- He has an “interesting” Mom: Lebron’s Mom has been in the headlines quite a bit. She’s been arrested for drug possession (party animal) and it’s rumored she had a romantic encounter with Lebron’s former Teammate, Delonte West (hot). A guy with a Mom like that has to be a great time at a party and I kind of have a thing for older sassy black women. PRO

- He hates Cleveland: The most upsetting thing to Cleveland, I think, is this – he went to Miami. Had he gone to Chicago, or New York, at least they could tell themselves that he’s going to play in a larger market, with passionate fans and great tradition.  But no, he went to Miami, where people barely look up from their cocaine piles long enough to learn what a double team is (it’s a movie starring Dennis Rodman and Van Damme). So essentially, Bron-bron said, that – all basketball considerations aside – he just likes Miami better. That’s a pretty rude awakening, delivered to 800,000 knuckle-dragging Clevelanders on national TV.  Cleveland can pat themselves on the back all they want and claim it’s ‘a working-class city with good people and passionate fans,’ but we all know that means it’s ‘a bankrupt, industrial shell of a city with ugly people that have nothing to do but scream at their TV’s.’ I’m with King James on this one. PRO

- He can’t close: If he can’t score in the 4th quarter how do you think he does at the bar right before closing time? Imagine you and him talking up a couple of ladies and the bartender yells, “last call”. Now your trying to move the group home and he starts talking about Call of Duty, eating pizza, and erectile dysfunction. Lebron probably asks girls why they aren’t buying him drinks. CON

Final Verdict: Lebron has a friend in J-Train! Sleeping with one of my friend’s Mom is one of my tougher bucket-list items.

You’re Welcome,

Train.
Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train….

J-train: 5 Mistakes Anthony Weiner Made

Every week there seems to be a new scandal involving naked pictures. Last week I had to put the whole Blake Lively matter to rest and now we got a U.S. Representative showing off his ‘district’. I don’t know why the thought of a middle aged guy sending pictures of himself over the Internet to young girls is surprising; to me, this was about as shocking as the sun rising or a divorced guy wearing a Fedora. The real shocking part here is that we still don’t know how to send a good picture of our genitals over the Internet without getting caught. Here are 5 major mistakes that Anthony made:

Never Show your Face- The whole “picture of your private parts” game is based off of two things: plausible deniability and showing an attractive girl, whom you care deeply for, the least attractive part of your body. Brett Favre knew this and that’s why I’m the only one who remembers his scandal (along with his wife). Sending your package over the Internet should be a romantic, caring act, but putting your face in the photo is a pathetic attention grab (and also incriminating).  Just send your penis, otherwise you might seem sleazy.

Never Use Social Networking- Mr. Weiner used the same twitter account he uses to update his constituents about the new zoning laws as he did to send pictures of his ZONING LAWS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (read: Penis). This was a bad move. Every guy in this day and age should have three cell phones: one for home, one for work, and one for “Sexting” pics.

Never Be Fully Erect - ‘Always leave ‘em wanting more.’ If you throw out the whole shebang in a single tweet, what does a girl have to look forward to? You should be working a chubby – enlarged, but not lifted – so if it leaks to the press, you can claim that what they’re seeing is actually flaccid. Then people will be like, ‘whoa, just imagine.’  Had Weiner done this, he probably wouldn’t have been outed until after he had an indiscriminate, ill-advised, extramarital affair with someone he met on Twitter.

Own It – Anthony came out with the ‘dog ate my homework’ of excuses, claiming it was ‘hackers’ who took over his twitter account. Sure, ‘hackers’ took time off from stealing millions of dollars from nerds’ Playstation Network accounts to tarnish the reputation of some low level New York Representative. This is obvious east coast egoism at it’s boldest. He should own it, go full ‘movie bad guy’ with this and just sit in Congress, constantly tweeting pics of his junk, voting against everything, and starting every filibuster with, ‘In mother Russia…’

Don’t Be An Idiot - Dude met these girls ON TWITTER. I mean, c’mon. This is a step away from having a group of ‘World of Warcraft’ groupies. Ever hear of a bar? It’s a much better place to cheat on your pregnant wife.

Here’s the thing, the game of “Sexting” is new and the older generations need to learn the rules so they don’t ruin it for their children (legitimate and illegitimate alike). I fear a world where the public outrage from “Sexting” gets so bad that women stop being romanced by horribly lit pictures of my Man-Region. Anthony Weiner broke the rules and now he is paying the price of public humiliation. So to any older men who are looking to join the “Sexting” revolution remember, stay anonymous, be classy, and look “chubby”.

You’re Welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train….

J-Train: Blake Lively Photos Are Fake

When nude photos of what is allegedly Blake Lively surfaced on the web yesterday, the Internet almost broke and my local convenient store ran out of both moisturizer and tissue paper. It was almost too much; she’s a perfect ten, a leggy, full-breasted woman with a breathy whisper and a kitten smile that seems to say, ‘send me more of those hair dolls you’re so good at.’ If I was ever faced with being alone in a room with her naked, I honestly wouldn’t even know what to do (probably cry, and definitely leave my shirt on), so getting the voyeur shots in my inbox was, you know, very exciting.  The problem was that the more I looked at them (and looked at them…and looked at them…) the more I felt let down. Don’t get me wrong, the woman in those photos is very beautiful, and it very well could be Ms. Lively, but like a child with a toy rocket, I could only be disappointed. Over the short time I’ve known Blake Lively (I first saw her in the movie ‘Accepted’ with Justin Long, a terrible movie that I’ve seen four or five times), the idea of her nude has reached mythical proportions, the mystery of it all lending an air of impossible perfection – and while great men look at the stars and dream of God, I watch Gossip Girl and try to imagine the shape of her Areolae. So when I found out the pictures might not be real, I was secretly relieved my angel hadn’t yet fallen. And as I thought more about it, I realized that there’s no way that these photos are of Blake Lively, and here’s 4 reasons why:

Talent- Blake has talent. Sequels for movies about a pair of jeans don’t just happen because a chick is hot. They happen because she was able to make every girl in America believe that she actually lost her virginity in that first movie. Naked photos get leaked when a movie or show is about to premiere with a lesser talented starlet in the lead (see: Vanessa Hudgens, Paris Hilton, and Ray J). Now you’re saying – “The Green Lantern movie is coming out this summer!” Sure, but this movie is a mega-blockbuster made by rich and powerful executives. If these big-shot executives wanted a nude photo of Blake Lively leaked, there would be no questions; we would be looking at baby-making parts that should only be found in medical journals.

Career Arc- Hollywood careers are predictable and this doesn’t follow the script. Someday, when Blake Lively’s career is struggling, and Hollywood has cruelly taken away her ‘it-girl’ status, she will likely pop up naked somewhere: an ‘artistic’ photo shoot in Vogue; or a Prestige picture where the nudity ‘serves the story’ and is about ‘integrity’ (and tits). Blake Lively is not Lindsay Lohan, who’s desperation seems to demand she show up naked every week these days – not that I’m complaining, but nude photos and collagen are the last ditch effort of a woman who’s back is against the wall; and Lindsay’s back is against the wall – a Miami club bathroom wall, more specifically, with her legs up in the air.

Leonardo DiCaprio- Rumored boyfriend Leo DiCaprio wouldn’t allow a bunch of ‘mutant norms’ to lay eyes on what is rightfully his. Hopefully, his smoldering intensity causes his house to explode and the naked pictures of all the chicks he’s bedded ends up flying all over Los Angeles (this would be the day the Internet would ACTUALLY stop working).

End Of Days- Finally, because seeing Blake Lively nude would signal the apocalypse – it would be exactly like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, where all the Nazi’s faces melted off – only I’d be masturbating while the skin dripped off my skull (I want that entire sentence written on my tombstone – just kidding, Mom…I’m not kidding, everyone else). But seriously, the world would end.

Blake, if you’re reading, I’m on your side and I believe the pictures are fake. Please, let’s just hold off on the naked pictures for now, because I’m not ready to die and the mortician isn’t ready to wipe the smile off of my face.

You’re Welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

Hottest Republican Nominee Spouse: J-Train Makes His Endorsement
You may not know this but in addition to being a Dating Advice Expert, I’m also someone who follows the political game VERY closely. The direction of this country matters to me, and I refuse to just throw a vote out unless I’ve studied every candidate intently.  I’ve even created a foolproof mathematical system to determine the best possible candidate in any given election year:

Hotness of Candidate’s Wife + Sexiness of Candidate’s Wife  = J-Train’s Vote

Think of all the great leaders this country has had: Washington, Lincoln, both Roosevelts, JFK.  Now think of their wives; fine pieces of tail, every one on them.  Not to mention we have to spend four years looking at this person on TV- thank God Barbara Bush hit the scene before I went through puberty. Since those dark days, we’ve actually been on a nice run. Hillary’s pantsuits always did it for me, Laura Bush was a complete babe, and Michelle Obama barely edged out Mrs. McCain during what I call my “Brown Period”. So when it comes time to cast my vote in 2012, I want it to be a competitive battle between the beautiful Michelle and the best Filly in the conservative race. With that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of my top five Republican Candidates (based on the hotness of their wife); with the number one spot being the ever coveted “J-Train Republican Endorsement”:

5. Carol Paul (Ron Paul’s Wife) - Ron Paul is known as “Dr. No” since he is in fact a Doctor and a politician known for voting against a lot of legislation. You know what Dr. Ron didn’t say no to? Carol’s subtle sophistication and class. She looks like that hot, experienced Grandma next door that’ll teach you the finer points of how to please a real woman while a pie cools on the windowsill. We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, want Carol Paul to rock our man-thoughts. She gets my endorsement for GILF; but this is a stacked field.

4. Gloria Cain (Herman Cain’s Wife) – Here’s what I like about Gloria  - she’s sassy. She tells you what’s on her mind and doesn’t care what you think. She say’s things like: “Nahh Uhhh, ain’t no man gonna make you!”, and “You got that right!”, and “sukki sukki now” after someone says something awesome. I also loved her when she played Carl’s Wife on ‘Family Matters’ so that may be why she got such a high spot on this list.

3. Todd Palin (Sarah Palin’s Husband) - As we all know, J-Train loves him some ladies. Here’s what you may not know about the Train, he can understand a man’s beauty. If there’s one thing that Todd Palin is, it’s a beautiful man. This is a guy who can kill a bear with his bare hands and then ride his snowmobile across the Alaskan wilderness – slamming Boone’s Farm the whole time – to manage a BP oil company. That’s a man and one I can endorse for “first husband”. I also fully support goatees.  The reason he only ranks at number three is because we are still waiting for Sarah to fully toss her heels into the ring.

2. Anne Romney (et al) (Mitt Romney’s Wives) – This was tough because Anne is a stone cold fox; she could clearly be number one on this list and secure my endorsement. What’s even more amazing is that she’s a Mormon, which means there could be ten more Annes that Mitt has waiting back at the house. I’m imagining these wild sexy parties with Mitt chasing all these girls around his house with his shirt off as they giggle and he pounds scotch. But, in reality, I own the ‘Big Love’ DVDs and I’ve seen how this drama plays out – less sex, more nag, and all those kids really cramp a Mormon’s style.

1. Callista Gingrich (Newt Gingrich’s Wife) - Callista is young, hot, and on her game but that isn’t the only reason she wins my endorsement; she wins because of Newt. He’s a stone cold lady-killer. He left his first wife while she had cancer and then cheated on his second wife with his congressional aide (and his now current wife). He sees something that might slow him down, like, you know, life-shattering diseases or menopause and, boom, he’s gone and onto the next. What a player.  If Callista so much as catches a cold Newt will drop her and a younger even hotter version of Calista will take her place (hopefully). Vote for Newt and we’re guaranteed hotness for four years, whether it’s his wife or his mistress. I know I will.

You’re Welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

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