NEW YORK, NY – Betty White is like wine and gets better with age, well so to speak. She’s set to host Saturday Night Live!

Betty White vaulted back into the spotlight with her cameo in a Snickers commercial that launched during the Super Bowl. In it, a bunch of guys are playing football in the park and Betty White assumes the role of a guy that just doesn’t have it. The point of the commercial was that you’re not yourself when you’re hungry.

Well White has parlayed that commercial into hosting Saturday Night Live. Better yet, fans of White have used that commercial to get her on the show. The 88-year-old actress will host SNL on May 8th, Mother’s Day weekend.

“I can’t think of a better way to spend Mother’s Day weekend than with Betty White,” Lorne Michaels, creator and executive producer of SNL said.

The news of her hosting on Mother’s Day is somewhat ironic as speculation has began to arise that Betty White is actually pregnant. The news hasn’t been confirmed but Weekly World News first broke the news of her tryst with the Jonas brothers. If any more news comes about on the matter, WWN will be sure to report it first. Until then, we can only wait for what is sure to be a memorable SNL.

http://weeklyworldnews.com/celebs/15755/betty-white-sex-scandal/

NEW YORK, NY – Funny man Dana Carvey raised some eyebrows last night with his appearance on The Tonight Show. Church Lady may have to intervene!

Dana Carvey appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno to promote a stand-up special, which left much to be desired. Carvey’s whole act seemed predicated on mocking other races and using them as the basis of his jokes.

Carvey is known as a comedy legend, dating back to his days on Saturday Night Live, but during his interview he kept doing terrible ethnic impressions that nobody asked him to do. It wasn’t as if Jay Leno was urging him to give the public questionable ethnic impressions. Carvey initiated everything, Jay Leno could only sit back and watch and you could almost hear an awkward laugh from the crowd.

Church Lady Enid Strict has gotten wind of this ethnic tirade and will be reaching out to Carvey. The host of Church Chat, who has sometimes been called uptight and smug, feels as though Carvey needs a good Christian intervention.

“Well, isn’t that SPECIAL!?” said Strict. “Carvey’s impressions have shown him in a very improper light. Carvey has shown an immense lack of piety and a secular lifestyle. I’m going to have to sit him down, give him my judgmental admonishments, and culminate with my ‘Superior dance’ to save him from damnation.”

No word on if this meeting will actually be realized.

FRANCE – Carla Bruni is back in the news. WWN first revealed that Bruni was immortal and was far beyond your mere first lady. Stay-tuned as more will follow tomorrow!

Recent findings reveal that French First Lady Carla Bruni has been alive since at least the early Hellenic Period. Dr. Andrei Cyriakis has uncovered artifacts off the coast of Sicily dating back to 300 BC which bear an unmistakable resemblance to the model/singer.

Dr. Cyriakis’ find would help explain several events since Bruni began her courtship with French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy.

Last February a bus full of schoolchildren were saved from an avalanche near Lyon by what witnesses described as “a beautiful angel” wearing a designer Christian Dior dress similar to the one Bruni wore that evening to dinner with the Queen of Jordan.

Since her arrival in New York for the UN General Assembly, reports of street crime have dropped 83%. A woman matching Bruni’s description was seen flying away from an explosion at an abandoned warehouse in Queens shortly before her husband’s reception with the Eli Wiesel Humanitarian Foundation.

For reasons yet unknown Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was seen staring at Mrs. Bruni this morning at the United Nations building with clenched fists saying “Next time. Next time…”

Exactly how old she is or where she came from remain a mystery, but the scientific community and Weekly World News will keep searching for the truth.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Heidi Montag has continued her downward spiral into absurdity and added one more moment into the head-scratching category!

Her recent shopping spree at the plastic surgeon has been well chronicled. According to her, a jaw-dropping 10 plastic surgery procedures made her the happiest she’s ever been. “The Hills” star became the source of many jokes and she’s apparently joined in the mocking.

Montag, with the help of FunnyorDie.com and Oscar-winner Ron Howard, has shot a video in which she mocks herself for the sake of an important message. The video is aimed to urge Congress to enact financial reform.

“I was honored to work with the amazing Ron Howard,” Montag told PEOPLE. “He was even more incredible than I could have imagined – kind, generous and made me feel so comfortable – he made me feel confident in my talent.” That’s some strong appreciation. It’s almost if she confused him for a plastic surgeon and was trying to get a good deal on her next procedure[s].

The video was shot at a private home in Los Angeles and was released Tuesday. It was semi-scripted as it left some room for improvising. Montag’s husband makes an appearance and the dress in the video was designed by Montag.

Montag’s video is part of a series of the unusual marketing techniques employed by Americans for Financial Reform. They are urging, among other things, massive call-in days throughout the week to push Congress toward forming a strong and independent Consumer Financial Protection Agency.

Check out the video below.

NEW YORK, NY – “The king of all media” has once again put his foot in his mouth. Tonya is less than pleased!

Howard Stern went with the “2 for 1″ approach in one of his recent rants. In a recent broadcast of his radio show, Stern took shots at both Oprah Winfrey and Gabourey Sidibe. The shock jock has lost some of his influence since his move to satellite radio, but he’s not going down without a fight.

Sidibe starred in the movie Precious which garnered her a nomination for best actress at this year’s Academy Awards. Well that did not get her much respect with Stern and she was the undeserving target of ill-advised comments on his Monday broadcast.

“There’s the most enormous, fat black chick I’ve ever seen,” Stern said. “She is enormous. Everyone’s pretending she’s a part of show business and she’s never going to be in another movie. She should have gotten the Best Actress award because she’s never going to have another shot. What movie is she gonna be in?”

Some extremely harsh comments but he and his sidekicks made sure to spread the wealth. His co-host Robin Quivers (an African-American female) agreed with Stern and laid into Oprah Winfrey.

“And Oprah’s lying and saying you’re going to have a brilliant career,” Quivers said.

Stern backed Quiver’s comments going so far as to call Oprah “a filthy liar”

Tonya, the world’s fattest cat, is not amused by Stern’s diatribe and has reached out to Sidibe. Tonya wants to keep the Precious star in the spotlight and continue to grow her “star.”

“She’s a marvelous human being with incredible talent and potential,” said Tonya through her spokeswoman. “She’s broken the Hollywood stereotype that you need to be slim and fit to be a star. She’s embraced her beautiful physique and I was brought to tears watching Precious. Bigger is Better Sidibe!”

The whole rant was certainly uncalled for but it is what it is. Stern will continue to run his mouth until someone is actually able to shut him up. Despite it all, Sidibe has signed on to do Showtime’s series The C Word and is also slated to appear in the feature film Yelling to the Sky.

NEW YORK, NY – Lindsay Lohan is in the news again and it comes as no surprise that it isn’t for something good!

Lindsay Lohan is not a “milkaholic” and she’s demanding $100M for being called one. Well, she wasn’t necessarily called a “milkaholic” to the face but Lohan claims that a recent eTrade commercials includes a jab directed towards her. Lohan has launched a lawsuit against eTrade seeking $100M in damages and recurring that the commercial be pulled.

The commercial depicts a couple of babies having a web chat in which they discuss a missed date the night before. The boy responds that he’s sorry but that he was working on his portfolio. The suspicious “girlfriend” asks, “And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn’t over?” “Lindsay?” the boy responds hesitantly. Then another baby enters the scenes and exclaims, “Milk-a-what?!”

The ad first aired during this year’s Super Bowl and the eTrade spots featuring babies have been fan favorites. Lindsay Lohan is not a fan and she is pouting.

“They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan,” said Lohan’s lawyer Stephanie Ovadia.

Ovadia also dared to suggest that Lohan has elevated ‘Lindsay’ to the same recognition status as “Madonna’ or ‘Cher’. That an incredibly daring claim and many will find that hard to believe. It’s more likely to believe that when one think of ‘Lindsay’ [Lohan] they’ll probably think drug abuse, failed rehabs, countless club nights, questionable relationships and oh yea, “Herbie: Fully Loaded” She couldn’t reach the level of ‘Madonna” with an airplane.

Check out the “milkaholic” below.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon. Now he wants to be the first man on Mars and Dancing with the Stars will be his coming out party!

Buzz Aldrin is not your typical astronaut. Most claim that going to the moon is their ultimate goal. Well, Aldrin reached that goal but set many more for himself. He wrote two best selling memoirs, appeared on “The Simpsons,” recorded a rap song with Snoop Dogg, wrote a column for the Huffington Post and currently has a very popular Twitter page (831,000 followers).

Aldrin has set a new goal for himself and he’s going to use his appearance on Dancing with the Stars to share it with the world. Buzz Aldrin wants to put people on Mars by 2030 – 2035 at the latest. NASA’s plan for the last six years has been to go back to the Moon and Aldrin thinks it “is a waste of time and money.”

Aldrin wants to start off by creating a work colony on Phobos, a moon that orbits Mars. Then shuttle back and forth to the surface of Mars and building a life-support system that will allow people to live there for extended periods of time. Aldrin says of his plan, “Like dancing, there are stepping stones to space. Progress is from one step to another.”

How does Aldrin seem so confident in Mars and know so much about the planet? You have to look no further than his DWTS partner, Ashley Costa. While stunning and easy on the eyes, Costa is actually a native of the planet Mars. She has struck a mutual agreement with Aldrin.

They both have a passion for Mars and want it to become more than just a planet in the solar system. Aldrin appearing on DWTS is a blessing in disguise because it gives the two individuals a stage to convey their message and intent.

“Buzz is very passionate about Mars, almost as much as I am. He see’s the potential for the planet and knows that it is possible to sustain human life,” says Costa. “My people have the necessary knowledge to make such a dream a reality, but we lack the resources and financial means to achieve them. Buzz gives us a substantial ambassador to promote this message and make Mars a possible destination for humans.”

When DWTS begins on March 22, Buzz Aldrin and Ashley Costa will not only be dancing to win the crown but also for Mars.

WEST VIRGINIA – Bat Boy is still on the loose and U.S. officials are losing patience. They’ve called in the big guns to help!

America’s favorite mutant continues to elude and evade F.B.I.’s and other U.S. officials attempts to capture him. When they think they have him backed into a corner, Bat Boy takes off in a Mini Cooper and leads authorities on multiple state car chase. State budgets are being exhausted on headache medicine and stakeout essentials such as coffee and donuts. In an effort to level the playing field, the Japanese have been brought into the hunt.

For years, the Japanese have been fascinated with Bat Boy and have been clamoring to help. Americans have finally been able to put their stubbornness aside and requested the Japanese’s help. Our Asian friends have had an ace up their sleeve the whole time and have sent over their top operative, special officer Arashi Yuko.

Yuko is one of Japan’s most decorated officers and is only called in to assist in high priority cases. She’s highly trained in the martial arts, negotiation skills and in matters dealing with mutants. The Japanese have a great deal of confidence in Yuko and her abilities to resolve the matter.

“I fear American sushi more. It bears no resemblance to what we eat in Japan,” Yuko replied to being asked if she feared Bat Boy.

“I’ve found myself infatuated with Bat Boy and his abilities to elude the less than stellar efforts to capture him. This is truly a career defining role. My superior ability and expertise should be Bat Boy’s undoing,” Yuko added about her new mission.

There seems to be a renewed sense of energy and confidence among American officials. A collective sigh of relief has been released and Bat Boy may be facing his last few days of freedom.

NEW YORK, NY – Highly acclaimed actor Sean Penn has some choice words for his critics!

In the wake of the tragedy in Haiti, Sean Penn has been lending a helping hand to relief workers. His do-gooding acts have come across the wrong way to critics. It should come as no surprise that critics will spin anything to their liking and they feel that Penn’s goodwill is an attempt to distract the public from his high profile divorce from actress Robin Wright Penn.

Penn is due to appear in an interview to air on CBS’ “Sunday Morning” this weekend. He told journalist Lara Logan that he has been so busy in Haiti he hasn’t had much time for his critics. He did, however, let her in on some choice words he had for his critics.

“Do I hope that those people die screaming of rectal cancer? Yeah,” he told Logan. “But I’m not going to spend a lot of energy on it.”

Penn was recently in Haiti for a second time, having visited the earthquake hit country in January with a suitcase of cash in hand. The Oscar-winner helped aid workers purchase new X-ray machines and ventilators.

The actor’s marriage has been a rough one and it hit the end last year when Robin Wright filed for divorce. She commented on the possibility of reconciling in More magazine and said, “I hit that crossroad a while ago, I know what I don’t want.”

CHICAGO, IL – Jessica Simpson appeared on Oprah to discuss among other things her weight and John Mayer. Long time friend Tonya was there for support!

Jessica Simpson is making headlines again and not exactly for the best of reasons. Her relationship with ex-boyfriend John Mayer has been placed in a new light after some ill-advised comments by Mayer. In addition, critics have once again jumped all over her weight issues. She appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show yesterday to shed some clarity on her life. Tonya, the world’s fattest cat, was there to lend support.

“She’s been a close friend of the Simpsons for years,” said a spokeswoman for Tonya. “In the midst of this new media storm about her life, Jessica reached out to Tonya once again for support and Tonya did not hesitate.”

Simpson addressed the matter of John Mayer first. She told Winfrey that she felt betrayed by his words and actions and that she would not accept an apology from him.

“Sexually it was crazy,” said Mayer of their relationship in Playboy magazine. “It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f—ing snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f— you, I would start selling all my s— just to keep f—ing you,” he so eloquently added.

Simson “hopes he gets his life together” but says she hasn’t accepted his apology and that part of her life is over.

Next the two moved on to her weight issues. The singer/actress told Winfrey that she is “absolutely” happy with her body. “I love my curves,” she said. “I’m not going to ever be size 0 and I don’t want to weigh 90 pounds.”

The two continued to address her weight issues but one could sense a confidence and inner happiness from Simpson. Whether Tonya is to thank for that is unknown, but the moral support sure didn’t hurt.

“I’ve been with her the last few days leading up to the interview. We talked about everything and laid all her feelings on the table,” Tonya said through her spokeswoman. “The most important thing I tried to accomplish was to reassure her that she’s beautiful, no matter what others think. I told her that Big is Beautiful and that Bigger is Better.”