LOS ANGELES, CA – The internet has been abuzz since this Sunday’s Golden Globes ceremony, where Megan Fox jokingly remarked that she looked like a man.

When interviewed on the red carpet, she said “I look like Alan Alda in drag.  I’m a tranny.  I’m a man.”

At the time, reporters passed it off as a jovial attempt to cover for her nerves.

However, today she has cleared the air and officially reported: she’s really a man.

READ THE LATEST ON MEGAN FOX – AND HIS RECENT MARRIAGE

Megan Fox was born Mitchell Reed Fox in Rockwood, Tennessee.  From an early age, Mitchell showed an interest in both performing and women’s clothing.  When having a preacher lay hands on him did not ‘cure’ him of these interests, his parents simply put him on the pageant circuit.

By the age of 13, Mitchell had already started a career as a female child performer called ‘Megan Fox’.  Making her debut on an Olsen Twins straight-to-video release, the twins have kept his secret all this time.

As a sweet 16 present, Fox’s parents offered him sexual reassignment surgery, which, given their child’s career, they’d hoped to write off as a business expense.  Unfortunately laws prohibit such surgery to be done to minors.

Since then Megan has been working non-stop, and been included on many Hottest Women lists in publications around the world.

Megan, as she goes by now exclusively, also noted this Sunday how much she wants Salma Hayek’s figure.  She has even scheduled surgery later this month to get it.  After the two met in New York this week, Hayek offered to have a cast made of her bust so doctors can match them exactly on Megan Fox’s chest.

The internet is already speculating whether this news will be worked into the plot of the upcoming Transformers sequel.

READ THE LATEST ON MEGAN FOX – AND HIS RECENT MARRIAGE

NEW YORK, NY- Take Bat Boy home this Halloween with a special bundle!

An offer like this only comes once in a haunted moon!
This Bat Boy Halloween bundle features an official Bat Boy tee-shirt and Bobble Head, plus a digital subscription to The Weekly World News, and a copy of “Going Mutant”- Bat Boy’s incredible life story! This $85 value is being brought to you for a scarily low $24.99!

This bundle makes a perfect gift for Halloween, and brings you all the details on the secret life of your favorite mutant.

VISIT THE WWN STORE TO GET YOUR HALLOWEEN GOODIES

NEW ZEALAND – PBS reported that the  rapper Tupac Shakur was sighted in New Zealand this weekend. 

PBS is reporting that  Tupac Shakur was sighted and photographed having drinks at a bar in Auckland, New Zealand.  Soon thereafter the internet was ablaze with speculation if this was real and Tupac was really alive.

Tupac Shakur was allegedly gunned down September 7th 1996 after leaving a boxing match.  However reporters have discovered that Tupac actually survived the shooting, but he and record label executives paid off medical examiners to claim he had died.  His apparent death allowed him to escape his assailants and his constant legal battles.

Since then Tupac had lived in hiding under an assumed name in rural Pennsylvania.  Weekly World News reporters tracked down the beloved rap star to his new home.

With regards to going into hiding he said, “At first it was life or death.  I’d just been shot at and I knew it wasn’t going to stop.  Once I was out of the game, a fresh start looked too good.  All the baggage from the old life, I could let it go and walk away.”

Since then, “I mostly keep my head low.  Don’t draw attention.  Staying out of trouble.”

When asked about how he spends his time, he said, “Ya know, same old same old.  Shop at the Farmer’s Market.  Keep my bees, get some honey.  Flirt with the girls at Dairy Queen.  Nothin’ big.”

For creative exploits, Tupac says, “I like to knit.”  His house was covered with hand knit pieces celebrating his former celebrity and sweaters with ‘Thug Life’ stitched on them.   Above the couch was a large tapestry depicting a scene from his California Love video.  He went on: “I do a lot of writing.  Jewel’s book of poetry, that was mine.  I also ghost wrote the screenplay for ‘The Lake House’.”

Tupac said he has no plans to return to the public eye.  “I’m a keep it straight chillin’ here.  Keep them bees, work the strawberry patch.  End of the day, play on with some World of Warcraft.  It’s a good life.”

FRANCE – Carla Bruni is back in the news. WWN first revealed that Bruni was immortal and was far beyond your mere first lady. Stay-tuned as more will follow tomorrow!

Recent findings reveal that French First Lady Carla Bruni has been alive since at least the early Hellenic Period. Dr. Andrei Cyriakis has uncovered artifacts off the coast of Sicily dating back to 300 BC which bear an unmistakable resemblance to the model/singer.

Dr. Cyriakis’ find would help explain several events since Bruni began her courtship with French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy.

Last February a bus full of schoolchildren were saved from an avalanche near Lyon by what witnesses described as “a beautiful angel” wearing a designer Christian Dior dress similar to the one Bruni wore that evening to dinner with the Queen of Jordan.

Since her arrival in New York for the UN General Assembly, reports of street crime have dropped 83%. A woman matching Bruni’s description was seen flying away from an explosion at an abandoned warehouse in Queens shortly before her husband’s reception with the Eli Wiesel Humanitarian Foundation.

For reasons yet unknown Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was seen staring at Mrs. Bruni this morning at the United Nations building with clenched fists saying “Next time. Next time…”

Exactly how old she is or where she came from remain a mystery, but the scientific community and Weekly World News will keep searching for the truth.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama held a bipartisan Health Care Summit yesterday.  To keep opposing factions together he summoned the snow gods to bring a blizzard!

Yesterday’s Health Care Summit lasted for over six hours and broke records as being the most work legislators have done in months.  News crews and hundreds of television cameras forced politicians to talk about health care reform while in a room together.  Some claim the highly televised event was an act of “political theater” intended to put on a show.  However insiders believe the presence of cameras kept the politicians on task, discouraging the fist fights and beer pong matches that are so often a part of the political process.  To help push the health care bill forward, President Obama even summoned the elder snow gods to bring a blizzard and keep law makers trapped in a room together.

President Obama has summoned the elder gods of the North, to bring a blizzard which is currently pounding the eastern seaboard.  Earlier this week he met with his Secretary of Paranormal Activity to determine an appropriate ritual.  He and Secretary Mabius decided on a ritual to summon the elder winter gods of the North to help keep politicians talking yesterday.  Great lengths were required to keep opposing factions in a room together for six hours.  Lawmakers from both parties, predominantly elderly white men, were sufficiently scared to go outside once the snow began for fear they might fall and break a hip then have to rely on the health care system they refused to fix for political reasons.

White House spokespeople confirm that no animals were harmed in the ritual itself.  The skin of a polar bear, which died of natural causes, was worn by the President in the White House Rose Garden.  There he made a deal with the elder gods, and in exchange for snow he gave them tax exempt status as a state recognized religious institution.  Schools and businesses throughout the Northeastern United States are closed today due to the President’s incantation.

VANCOUVER – Apolo Ohno and Bode Miller have broken records and shocked experts with their Olympic performances.  Mutating gamma radiation is suspected to have been used.

Ohno and Miller have won a total of 27 medals in various Olympic events.  This is a record number of medals for one country in the Winter Olympics.  Miller took home the gold in men’s Super Combined, one downhill plus one slalom.  Then he went on to take bronze in the men’s Mega Combined, which is one downhill plus two slaloms three and a blindfolded ski jump.  He took home another gold in the men’s Ultra Combined, which is two downhills, three slaloms, four vodka shooters, and a fistfight with a bear.  He beat out the highly favored Russian team in this event.  Apollo Ohno has won 18 medals in various speed skating trials.  At the 500 meters Ohno had enough time to do a victory lap, then make a cappucino and present it to the silver medalist as he crossed the finish line.  Miller and Ohno are highly favored in the upcoming mens Competitive Snowman.  All medals won will be melted down and used to fund future Olympic teams.

These exceptional accomplishments are now marred by scandal.  Miller and Ohno are believed to have been using performance enhancing gamma radiation.  Rumors are circulating that the two have mutated their way to Olympic glory.  Last week during a standard training the two became angered at coaches, turned green and threw their bowflexes into a nearby lake.  The US Olympic team officially denies all claims that any of their athletes have been intentionally mutated.  “That’s Malarky!” says head coach Paul Swizzel.  “Pure horse-puckey every bit of it!  Why my boys are just as clean and healthy as the driven snow!  No crazy performance enhancing chemicals or radiation here I tell ya!”

Scientists, however, tend to disagree.  Dr. Salomon Vasloo of the Vancouver Science Institute confirms “What we are seeing here is beyond human capacity.  These are not men, they are more like the heroes of legend.  Prime physical specimens capable of feats beyond those of mortal man.  Only science could imbue such gifts, such that the gods of old either can’t or won’t.  Praise be to Science!  Amen.”

Whether their medals will be revoked depends on a pending drug tests for Miller and Ohno.

BROOKLYN, NY – Curling soars in popularity and has become the new trend among the hippest of America’s youth!

The Winter Olympics are in full swing and America is transfixed.  Even sports once considered obscure are enjoying a surge in notoriety as Americans kick off the winter blues by cheering on the teams.  In fact one sport is so obscure and absurd that it has become the next big thing.

Curling has become the new fad with hipsters all over the country.  Entire blocks in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, were closed down this week for tournaments.  The sport was a natural fit for the hippest of the hip.  Curling has up to this point been so maligned and unpopular that it was a perfect choice to be co-opted and played ironically by the trust fund generation.  Also it is highly similar to the summer game Bocce, already popular among hipsters because it is usually only played by old European men.  Also the game is not physically demanding and can be played in skinny jeans or American Apparel leggings and and won’t damage vintage t-shirts.

Among hipsters the sport has its own subset of rules.  Many of these rules exist to make the game more ironically lame, thereby more appealing to the hipster demographic.  The game is often played on iced over streets in neighborhoods they are gentrifying.  Actual irons or similar items acquired from a local thrift store are thrown towards a desired goal.  Two teammates with brooms or whisks sweep away detritus or previous residents to clear a path.  A target is placed some ways away, but not too far that they’d have to actually try, usually an LP of an indie band or some kind of vegan fair-trade baked good.  Whoever gets their item closest wins the target.  Or the winning team is treated to brunch; the official meal of the hipster class.

“Man, you just don’t understand” said Kyle Roberts, a self proclaimed web designer/graphic illustrator/part time photographer/writer who has mostly been “finding himself” in the six years since college and a typical Williamsburg resident.  “It’s not that we’re doing it to make it cool.  It’s not cool.  That’s the point.  That’s why its fun, is it’s so lame and we’re recognizing that.  We’re not just slaves to irony, but… yeah whatever.”  When asked how he would feel if the game caught on and became popular he said “MAN!  See if people hear about it and it becomes cool then that’s just lame and we’d all stop doing it.”

Mathematicians at MIT are working on a formula to plot out the “so lame it’s cool” phenomena.  Unfortunately few mathematicians are actually cool enough to “get it.”  Lab tests are being done that include putting skinny jeans on monkeys.

Whether Curling will continue to rise in popularity or remain just a brief fad, only time will tell.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Senator Evan Bayh will not seek re-election this year.  Citing an overly partisan climate in Washington he has decided to return to his home planet!

Democrats were shocked yesterday when Evan Bayh announced he is retiring from the Senate, and that he is in fact an alien.  “There are many great people working for you humans in the Senate.  But there is too much partisan bickering in Washington to make any progress.  I have evolved past such things.  And as such, I must leave this place.”  The Democratic Senator floated away from the press conference before stopping at a Chipotle, then back to his home in a gated community.

His absence will leave another gaping hole for Democrats to fill, and further erodes their power in the Senate.  “That’s one less Democrat fighting the good fight” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, while finishing a bottle of Jack Daniels by himself.  Senate Republicans were ecstatic at the continued loss of Democrat power.  Scott Brown was seen standing on his desk and rubbing olive oil on his chest to celebrate.

Senator Bayh was an influential member of the Democrat party.  He never lost a single election at the state or local levels.  This amazing winning streak is thought to be a product of his alien heritage, either subtle form of mind control native to his species or a more highly evolved sense of public speaking.  Some experts believe his political influence is pheromone based.

“He was just too good looking to be true” said Beatrice Destin, a Senate Cafeteria worker reacting to the news.  “Of course he isn’t human.  He’s probably married too.”  The Senator was recently offered a nude photo shoot in Cosmo magazine.  Bayh turned down the offer saying “NO!  I mean, thank you for the flattering offer but, NO!  I’m a politician, not a trained monkey!  Politics and entertainment aren’t the same, just no.”

The Senator will abdicate his office soon.  Shortly thereafter he will take some time on his home planet to “relax, and think out my next move.”  Whether he may return to earth to seek a more executive position remains uncertain.

HOUSTON, TX – Debra Medina self destructs on the Glenn Beck show.  Glenn Beck destructs right back.

Debra Medina appeared on the Glenn Beck radio program yesterday morning.  Coming from reasonable obscurity she is now one of the front runners in the race to be Governor of Texas.  Until yesterday when she admitted to believing that the government organized 9/11.  Further prodded by Beck she proceeded to crack completely from the pressure.  And Glenn Beck broke down right back!

On his radio program Beck asked Medina about rumors that she was a 9/11 Truther, a group that believes the government had a hand in organizing the World Trade Center attacks.  Medina avoided the question at first, claiming that the signal was getting bad.  She proceeded to make static noises into her phone.  Beck reminded Medina that she was on a landline and everyone could tell she was making the noises with her mouth, and then asked her again.  Medina avoided the question and started talking about her tax plans for Texas.

Beck, now angry and excited enough that he was sniffling between thoughts, asked her again if she believed there was any truth to the 9/11 rumors.  “It’s just, I can’t” Medina responded.  “THERE’S JUST TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!”  “NOOO!!!”  Glenn Beck was distraught to hear a conservative candidate he had endorsed admit to this.  “How can we know?” Medina continued.  “The movement raises good questions!!  Footage could have been doctored!  Witnesses could have been planted!  The government could have been behind the whole thing!!  WE DON’T KNOW!!”  Medina continued to ramble nervously while Beck in turn continued to cry into his microphone about the loss of a candidate he had such high hopes for.  He then alternated between crying and working himself into an angry froth.  He and Medina were each continued reacting to the others unintelligible ramblings.  They continued on like this for 14 minutes.

Debra Medina rose from political obscurity and rocketed to the forefront of the Governors race based on a grassroots conservative platform.  Throughout Texas she had gained immense grassroots support based on her policies for lower taxes and replacing sex ed in schools with gun ownership and marksmanship.  “Both help keep our little girls from getting pregnant, but my way takes the offensive!”  Her official policy towards the Mexican border was “Shoot first, ask questions later,” which then became her campaign slogan.  Now her chances in the gubernatorial race are seen as highly unlikely.

Medina and her team are desperately trying to do damage control on yesterday’s outburst.  Publicists issued a statement yesterday afternoon that the entire segment was a comedy routine that she and Beck had written beforehand.  Medina herself went online and wrote “I in no way am a member of the 9/11 Truth movement.  I believe in the World Trade Center was attacked by Muslim terrorists.  And that both buildings fell straight down like an organized demolition, despite how unlikely that seems.  I would never tell other Americans what they can or cannot think, and would hope the good citizens of Texas feel the same.”  Political experts agree that in Texas it’s still a tossup whether this will help or hinder her.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Half of America declared a Snow Day on Wednesday.  Yetis were spotted all along the east coast.  

Wednesday brought a blizzard that blanketed most of the east coast in over a foot of snow.  Washington DC, New York City, and the entire state of Virginia declared a Snow Day and shut down business.  With entire populations out enjoying the snow a surprising number of Yetis were sighted.

Known also as Abominable Snow Men, Yetis are the reclusive snowbound cousin to the more common Sasquatch, or Bigfoot.  In cities and towns across the eastern seaboard these elusive creatures were sighted by curious children and frightened adults.  911 operators were inundated with calls reporting the mythic creatures looking through dumpsters and loitering outside of stores.  Emergency services would give advice but refused to go out because it was too cold.  “If nobody’s hurt, then I’m staying here with my hot cocoa!” said one anonymous ambulance driver.  In Athens, GA, several college students chanced upon a frightened Yeti and fed it some of their brownies.  Shortly thereafter the creature calmed down and they were able to braid its hair and teach it to join a drum circle.

“The Yeti is a profoundly gentle creature” said Dr. Stephen Morley, a Cryptozoologist with Penn State University.  “They are accustomed to their very sheltered mountain habitat.  It is most likely they were brought down by the blizzard, simply exploring new territory that was habitable to them.  Now they’re just confused and trying to find acclimate to a new environment.  That anyone would hunt or mistreat them is morally reprehensible.”  However some residents have very different response to the creatures.

“Dang near took my arm off!” said Eileen Troubador, a convenience store owner from Kentucky.  “He came round here, rootin’ through my trash.  I called animal services, but they was already dealing with a herd or pack or whatever ya call ‘em that had made a nest down by the high school.  So I went out with a broom to try an’ shoo ‘im away.  Well he came at me quicker’n you could spit and thank the Lord my son had a gun cause he scared the critter away.  Grabbed the breakfast burrito outta my hand an ran off into the bushes.”

Across the country snow day vandalism is being blamed on yetis.    Further inspection typically proves it was the work of destructive adolescents.  Though a Yeti could easily break a window and steal snack cakes, they are less likely to have spray-painted “Weiner” on the walls.

These false claims of violence have led to Yeti hunting parties throughout the south-eastern US.  Using their day off to enjoy some recreational hunting groups of men patrolled their towns and nearby forests for the rare creatures.  No Yetis have been hurt, but 14 hunters have been shot by alcohol influenced friendly fire incidents.  Jake Morelli of Allachua County, VA, shot what he thought was a Yeti while sitting on the toilet in his double-wide home.  It turned out to be aparticularly hairy neighbor who had been locked out of his house naked for throwing away his wife’s Nascar slash fiction.  He is in stable condition and is expected make a full recovery.