Greetings sentients!  It is I, your humble ambassador for the edification on all things epicurean, Mygar.  Today I shall be providing a Year in Review.

The year 2009 is quickly closing upon us.  That is, of course, provided you follow a Gregorian Calendar and not the Lunar, Jewish, Chinese or Intergalactic Standard Calendars.  Details aside, I like many will be glad to see this year come to a close.  Following are some of the culturally notable moments and personalities we saw in this past year.

Celebrity Deaths.
This was not a safe year to be a person of notoriety.  A seemingly endless series of persons left us, particularly the in fateful summer of 09.  The most notable to leave us is, of course, Michael Jackson.  As he only faked his own death, more on him shortly.  The most profound death this year I found to be that of Patrick Swayze.  His star shone too bright to last long.  His depth as an actor, and endless dedication to the dance, has inspired and lifted us all from the quagmire drudgery of our common lives.  May love lift you up where you belong Patrick, and the heavens part so you may dance your way into paradise.

Jon Gosselin.
How is your species supposed to evolve when people like this are allowed to reproduce?  And no less than 8 times!?  Blessings be to those poor children.  Who is this overgrown man-child and why is he on television.  In any of the better galaxies a wretched person like this would be euthanized for the sake of the gene pool.  Even his own children have matured past him at this point.  That he was ever given time in front of a camera should be a cultural warning sign.  Thankfully Ed Hardy apparel makes him, and douches like him, visible from safe distances.  His clothing is like an illuminated sign that reads “This person likely has Chlamydia.”  Thank you Ed Hardy.  And can someone please save those adorable 8 children from their wretched parents?

Jersey Shore.
Glaring weekly proof that evolution can work backwards.  I watched it once and had to give my television a round of antibiotics after.  Your entire species should be ashamed.  When is turns out this was the glaringly obvious omen that your culture was about to collapse from its own decadence, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Michael Jackson.
There is still some conjecture as to whether he is dead or simply faked his death to get away from the pressures of fame and his outstanding back taxes.  In any event Michael is no longer with us.  May peace be upon him.  His passing has given rise to one interesting cultural phenomena: it is now acceptable again to like Michael Jackson music.  Even on the night of his death strangers gathered to sing his songs that weeks before they would have flatly denied knowing all the words to.  With the passing of his more ludicrous recent persona people feel at liberty to enjoy the brilliant singing and dancing from his earlier career.  Through tragedy great art has prevailed.  Peace be upon you, Michael.

Economic Collapse.
Given how much time I spend upon your planet this affected even my lifestyle.  The fine wines ran dry and were replaced with instant cocoa.  Imported cheeses went away and I was left with only individually wrapped American.  I don’t eat American cheese.  I will tear off and fry my own leg first.  At least that’s imported!  And cocoa isn’t so bad.  It goes well with black and white movies on basic cable.

So raise a glass with me this week to bid 2009 a well deserved goodbye.  May we all be happier for its departure.  And may the coming year be kinder to us all.

As always, Your Humble Servant,
Mygar

Greetings Sentients!  Again the time has come for edification on all things epicurean from your humble servant, Mygar. 

This week, I shall be reviewing the latest summer movies.  They range from the tear-jerking to the lobotomizing, so be ready for an emotional roller coaster.

First and foremost, let us address the elephant in the room.  Opening this weekend is District 9.  May the triple rings be praised, finally a major motion picture that tells the other side of the story.  In this stirring drama a group of extra-terrestrials arrives to earth on a peace mission to share knowledge and intergallactic brotherhood.  Soon they are at the mercy of the savage humans, who have found a way to keep them from leaving and are torturing them for the technology to make new weapons.  The rest of the human population is kept in fear by racist anti-ET propaganda spread by the government.  Not since Schindler’s List have I cried so much in the theatre.  This film contains so much emotional truth it could have been ripped from tomorrow’s headlines.  Thank you Peter Jackson, thank you.

Julie and Julia tells the stories of Julia Child and somebody else played by Amy Adams.  Oh Julia, how I miss your cocktail parties.  Little known fact, during Earth’s World War II Julia Child worked with British Intelligence.  Also, she was an alien.  Honestly, do either of those facts surprise any of you?

To all good things must come an end.  The Goods.  This movie is made for those with external reproductive organs which have not yet fully descended.  Or have the mentality thereof.  Your planet is considered intellectually barren in some of the better galaxies.  This is why.

Bandslam.  Drop of your children for this movie then run away.  Otherwise you risk being cinematically lobotomized.  If you have children that want to see this movie, you need to reevaluate your priorities as a parent.

This concludes our time for this week.  Until next time, when I shall be reviewing the new installation at the Guggenheim, constructed by the reanimated corpse of Frank Lloyd Wright.

As Always, your humble servant

Mygar

Greetings Sentients!  It is I, your humble ambassador of all things epicurean, Mygar. Once again it falls upon me to relay news of the artistic world, this time the Tony Awards.

Regrettably my invitation to the event seems to have been lost in the mail so I was forced to watch the proceedings on television, champagne still in hand to toast each winner.

Last night’s overall winner was Billy Elliot, which took home 10 Tonys including the highly coveted best musical.  Billy Elliot is the story of a boy from a working class town who uses art, in his case dance, to rise out of poverty.  A story close to my own heart.  The only downside to this show is that it is yet another large musical based on a movie, a trend borne by Satan and carried out by demon-spawn dressed as Broadway producers.  However this musical far surpasses the standard set forth by “Legally Blonde” “Hairspray” “Carrie” and “The Toxic Avenger.”  When I saw it in previews, I was left weeping like a child and had to be helped into a cab by ushers.  All hail Billy Elliot!

Best Leading Actor went to Geoffrey Rush as for his role in “Exit the King.”  Upon accepting his award, he said, “I want to thank Manhattan audiences, for proving that French existential tragicomedy rocks.”  Oh Geoffrey, you card!

Other notable wins include winners included Angela Lansbury and Liza Minelli, who surprised audiences not just by winning but by still being ambulatory at their age.  Their wins came for playing Dorothy and Blanche in a staged version of “The Golden Girls.”

“God of Carnage”, a British show by Yazmina Reza, dominated the straight play categories.  It took Best Play and Best Leading Acress for Marcia Gay Harden.  The show focuses on the quiet hell suffered by two middle-aged married couples, and ends with an explosive shootout and car chase.  James Gandolfini did not win for his part in the show, and says he hopes for better luck next year with the highly anticipated “Sopranos: the Musical.”

The awards and my glass of bubbly have come to an end.  Join me next time when I will be reviewing the DVD collection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

As always, your humble servant,
Mygar.

Greetings Sentients!  Once again this is your most humble host and educator of all things epicurean MYGAR. 
With the changing of seasons upon us it falls upon me to share my knowledge of the best travel destinations on the planet.  Below is a list of the greatest destinations, and greatest deals for the trans-galactic traveler on a budget.  Enjoy!

Venice.  Hotels in the submerged portions of the city have been set up for water breathing life forms and are some of the best in this section of the galaxy.

Teotihuacan.  If you can travel through time, their restaurants in 40 bc were beyond delight.  And don’t forget to take in a ball game, even if you know who wins its fun to watch.  Even the contemporary ruins of this once glorious civilization are still a marvel and worth the trip.

Dixie County Florida.  Florida’s gulf coast is home to some of the planet’s best beaches.  Off the shore of Dixie Country Manatees gather each spring for poetry readings and philosophical debates that outsiders are welcome to attend.

Tempe Arizona.  Hyperdrive drag racing over the Arizona desert has been a tradition here for decades.  See the best of the best compete for bragging rights.  New laws have made it more difficult to harass the local population with probing.

Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  All Hail the retired empress of the Tulurgian Empire!  Since abdicating her throne some 40 years ago the former Empress has passed the time as a country and western singer and opened a self-styled theme park.  The funnel cakes are so good, you won’t care they’re made of people.

Thessaloniki, Greece.  Snorkel with the Kraken off the shores of this Mediterranean isle.  Enjoy dinner on a restaurant patio overlooking the cliffs where the local Sirens perform nightly.

London, UK.  Like most advanced life forms in the galaxy we all know the prophecy of what will happen to this great metropolis in 2012.  Book a space now to see the fireworks!

Dubai.  Due to a well concealed zombie outbreak no one else is here now.  And someone needs to stay in all those new hotels.

King William Island, Northern Canada.  Big game hunters will want to catch the Tuunboq, a giant snow monster which can eat humans whole.  Enjoy the psychic enhancing effects of being near the magnetic north pole.

Atlantis.  Due to a slumping economy visiting this sunken kingdom has become easier than ever.  Although some will claim that it has become overrun by the tourist market, a recent downturn in their economy has forced a great deal of scaling back and family owned businesses are making a comeback.

And that, my friends, rounds out my list of the best deals in travel for this lovely little planet.  Please explore this precious sphere in your own way and try to be patient with local lifeforms.

As always, your humble servant, MYGAR

Mygar, the universe’s top expert on trailer dissection, presents a preview of 10 science fiction films being released in 2009.

Greetings, sentients!  Again it falls upon me, Mygar, to inform you of the artistic amusement to befall upon your local cineplex in the coming year.  Below is a list of films that have aroused my interest for one reason or another.  Bon Appetit!

Push – 2/6

An expectant farce in the grandest tradition.  As entertainment it is excellent, serving up enjoyable fluff without pretension.  However your species will not evolve these sort of mental abilities for millions of years, and that I could not look past.  To imagine your species is already that evolved made for unintentional hilarity that had me rolling in the aisles.  Dakota Fanning and Chris Evans work against a script that proves your brains are nowhere near that evolved.

Watchmen – 3/6

What Ho, who watches the watchmen?  A delightful look at the implications and ramifications of the vigilantism so popular in American culture.  Such things are unheard of among higher species, who have long since understood that authority must be held by a well regulated governing body.  However, their movies are nowhere near as exciting.

Monsters Versus Aliens – 3/27

FINALLY!  Triple Rings be Praised!  In perfect fashion it is again the animated feature that finds a way to tell the most truth.  Humans find themselves in trouble when an intergalactic bully (a thinly veiled satire for a certain Mercurian Overlord) tries to take over their world.  Realizing that they are inherently inferior they turn to a team of monsters to save the day.  Rainn Wilson, Stephen Colbert and Hugh Laurie star in this nearly prophetic piece of storytelling.

Dragonball – 4/8

Laughably maintaining the notions that all aliens want to invade and destroy humanity, and that humans have evolved enough to do anything about it.  Despite the absurd premise and many other factors, this movie was surprisingly enjoyable.

Based off the popular anime series, the story revolves around a young boy who fights against insurmountable odds to save his planet. A classic tale told in thousands of languages that mirrors our own internal struggles.  The tone is as animated as its inspiration and although far fetched, never ceases to entertain.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine – 5/1

Anti-hero mutant cool in glossy packaging.  Sure it’s predictable and formulaic, but it will likely be an amusing way to spend a weekend afternoon.  Go see it with a mutated friend.

Star Trek – 5/8

Whatever ground this film makes in asserting that humans have not cornered the market on sentience is lost by asserting that a human run vessel is responsible for saving the galaxy.  Despite the sapiens-centricity, it appears to be a very fun movie.  Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry was abducted several times in his life and based much of his mythology on the United Republic of Worlds.

Also, Simon Pegg is in it and I love him.

Terminator Salvation – 5/22

In this film, a wayward young man begins to lead the human factions against the intelligent machines that are bent upon their destruction.  This is offensive to all intelligent machines.  Assuming that all self-aware non-organic based lifeforms are bent on destruction is racist.

Also, how self-absorbed is the human state to assume that a self-aware super intellgence would have nothing better to do than devote its existence to the eradication of the human species?  Preposterous.  What about the Gurlian World-Mind?  Once it became self-aware it spent the next three years writing poetry and feeling misunderstood.  Hollywood, sometimes you make me sick.

2012 – 7/10

The best part about this movie is how they get the predictions right and wrong.  I would tell you more, but I’d hate to ruin the surprise!

9 – 9/9

Based on the award winning short film,  9 is a light-hearted animated romp through a post-apocalyptic world.   This film dares to make a bold statement: that maybe humanity won’t make it, and that’s okay.  Small man-made creatures fight to live on a barren Earth.  Brimming with heart and originality, it is unfortunate this movie will be made into an entire marketing line at Hot Topic.

Astroboy – 10/23

Again, cinema finds its inspiration from a Japanese Cartoon.  This trope revolves around a humanoid android built to defend humanity.  Sleek animation and fast pacing may be covering for a story that leaves much to be desired.  Unfortunately, it seems unlikely that the new life will seek to define itself outside of its relationship to its creators, where the true story would like.  Astroboy’s loss is ours as well.

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This concludes my list of cinematic curiosities.  Keep reading as next time I will be discussing the merits of reality television as a means of euthanasia on some of the better galaxies.

Until then I am, as always, your humble servant,
MYGAR

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Mygar, one of the galaxy’s biggest movie experts, presents the top 8 most influential depictions of aliens in film.

Greetings and Salutations, sentients.  This is your humble master of ceremonies, Mygar.  Again it has fallen upon me to share my wealth of knowledge for the enlightenment of all things epicurean.

Today I shall be sharing eight of the greatest and most influential alien films to come from your planet.

8. Alien

A romantic tragedy for the ages.  The story of an unnamed parasitic alien and the woman the stars destined him to be with.  He is born into a confined and cruel world, unable to help what he is.  Soon he falls in love with the strong and spirited Ripley, but she cannot understand his language and in ignorance kills him, committing his body to the stars.  This has been turned into an opera in the Kleo system.

7. Close Encounters of the Third Kind

A rousing documentary of one fateful night in Earth’s history.  The film is made ever more poignant by the final two hours, where the government hushes everything up, having been cut from the film so it could be marketed as a fictional narrative.  A victim of its own message.

6. The Day the Earth Stood Still

The first use of actual aliens in cinema.  After being abducted several times, writer Harry Bates eventually befriended his captors and they began a dialogue about the nature of mankind.  Once released, Bates began working on a story based on his experience.  It is a little known fact that during production, Bates was able to cast his new friends in small parts in the movie.

5. The Abyss

Written by an entirely alien staff, it gave voice to the Extra Terrestrial perspective on global affairs.  It was a blatant metaphor, painted in broad strokes, but conveying the precise message that millions had wanted to say.  Aliens even played a crucial part in the film.  It was a distinct moment in a culture when aliens on earth finally felt that their voice was being heard.

4. Predator

The first openly gay alien to star in a Hollywood film.  Rumors of a romantic affair between the two primary stars were never proven, but also never dis-proven.  That two of the film’s principal actors went from action movie obscurity to elected office has only fueled the controversy.

3. Cocoon

Few works of art can inspire hate-filled vitriol in dozens of species the way this film can.  Riots broke out that covered entire planets once news of this film hit the airwaves.  It is the benchmark of alien stereotypes in film: aliens having ‘magic’ powers, aliens forced to serve a lower life form, Steve Gutenberg.  This film has become synonymous with insensitivity to inter-species relations, and as such has served as a warning sign to help promote healing across the galaxy.

2. Lilo & Stitch

Doesn’t everyone love this movie?  It’s just fun, and depicts how friendly alien-human relations can be.  And yes, I did cry a little the first time I watched it.  I am mature and secure enough to admit that.

1. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Based of the epic of Kringlaar, which chronicled the failed Martian invasion of Venus.  According to legend, after Kringlaar’s wife was put in stasis, he led the resistance to defeat the vastly superior Martian fleet.  Originally intended to be much truer to the source material, arguments between the director and the studio led to the compromise of using an Earth folk hero in place of Kringlaar.  The movie is still used in history classes throughout the system.

This is a personal list of the top 8 alien films.  For the sake of education and edification, I hope you choose to explore them on your own time with the added depth of considering the alien perspective.

As always, your humble servant, Mygar.

READERS: What is your favorite alien movie? Vote in the poll to the right!

Mygar, the most respected art critic this side of the Milky Way, presents the top 5 paintings of our galaxy.

Greeting and salutations, sentients.  This is Mygar, intergalactically renowned art critic and historian.  For the edification of all lifeforms, I have agreed to present and offer critique of five of the universe’s greatest works of art.  For the purposes of clarity and brevity I have limited my selection to classical portraiture that exists in only two dimensions.

Here we see the sad portrait of Queen Ravnith the Exile by Wurnesh.  As the legend goes, after losing her crown she was forced to flee her homeworld and live in hiding among the humans of earth.  Wurnesh has captured the frail hideousness of the skin she hides in, and the longing to be a beautiful queen again.  A bittersweet tragedy told in pastels.

Portrait of Cardinal ACK by Lrrrm.  For centuries, art historians have hinted at a possible affair between the artist and subject of this portrait.  Recently uncovered documents have confirmed our suspicions of an illicit affair between the poor artist Lrrrm and Cardinal of the Martian Orthodox Church ACK.  The soft and loving contours of the face hint at a side of ACK only the artist saw.  There is a twinkle in his eyes that he gave only when looking at the artist.  Lrrrm captured a grand and loving portrait of a Cardinal that only he knew.

The Virgin of Ryleth by an unknown painter.  So grand is this portrait of the 14th century matriarch of Ryleth that it has been copied and imitated on countless planets, but never duplicated.  She was a famously harsh mistress; as beautiful as she was ruthless.  For millenia, she held sway in the court of the Old Ones and this portrait captures her authority wonderfully.  It is said that after staring too long into her face the artist went mad.  His mind was a fitting tribute to this lovely lady.

Lavinia with Balthazam by Zpango.  Zpango many times touched on his hybrid heritage; in countless subjects, he explored the emotions of being a part-alien raised among humans.  Nowhere is the sweetness of his experience captured more vividly than in this painting.  It is his wistful recollection of his mother’s love, next to his innocently happy self.  The artist was killed by a mob shortly after completion of this painting, making this piece all the more precious.

One of the few surviving pictures of Queen Hatshepsut the First.  Often attributed to starting human civilization, Hatshepsut first taught humans about math and agriculture in exchange for their worship of her as a goddess.  The ungrateful citizenry eventually rebelled, using the language and writing she gave them, and attacked her while she was bathing in the blood of their firstborns.  Hatshepsut has since been canonized as a saint in several intergalactic faiths.

[Images courtesy of FreakingNews.com]