AUSTIN, TX – On the campus of the University of Texas yesterday afternoon, Bat Boy registered to vote in the Lone Star State.

This marked the forty-eighth state in which the half-bat, half-boy national icon successfully registered to help the nation decide the next US President.  Weekly World News sources confirmed that he will attempt to register in Virginia and Washington, D.C. before November’s election.

Getting wind of the incredible feat of voter fraud, several watchdog groups have so far filed lawsuits in 37 states.  When confronted with the issue, Federal Election Commission Chairman Donald McGahn said, “Sure it’s a travesty of justice, but, well, it’s Bat Boy.  He’s an American institution.”

Conservatives are speculating that Senator Barack Obama used his ties to the space alien who endorsed him to assist in Bat Boy’s multi-state registration. It is widely believed that Obama’s recent revelation of his mutant half-brother Obatma that swayed Bat Boy’s decision to vote Democratic.

NEW YORK, NY – As part of the acquisition by Bank of America, Merrill Lynch agreed to slaughter their famous bull corporate logo.  The statue, located in front of the Merrill Lynch offices in New York’s Financial District, was butchered last Wednesday and served to Bank of America’s board of directors.

“It was a little bit of punishment and a little bit of fun,” said B of A’s Chairman and CEO Ken Lewis as blood dripped down his face onto his pinstriped Armani suit.

Former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain, currently under investigation for being an alien, could not be reached for comment.

WOODS, MONTANA – People looking to escape the hassle of most bars and clubs in the city had better think twice before heading out to The Treehouse this weekend. That’s because owner Pete Bunyan has hired several lumberjacks to provide some security to his establishment – and he’s happy with the results thus far.

“There’s less screaming, less underage drinking, and fewer people not wearing plaid and sporting large beards, a dress code requirement clearly posted on the front door that some people just plum ignored.”

LONDON, ENGLAND – Surprise surprise surprise!  After years of being hounded by conspiracy theorists and journalists from alternative publications, reporter Michael “Skipper” Entwistle finally got Margaret Thatcher to admit she is a zombie.  Irritated by the constant invasion of privacy, the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom lashed out at Entwistle and tried to feast on his brain.

“She’s mighty spry for 83 years old… and for a zombie, but I outran her,” says the proud reporter.  Photographer Jim Daniel was not so lucky.  This is the last picture he took before throwing down his camera and storming off into the night.