HYANNIS, MA – Ted Kennedy was notably absent today as family and friends gathered to pay their last respects to Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Or was he?As funeral proceedings went forward, many in attendance noticed unexplainable changes in temperature and heard peculiar unidentifiable noises.

One attendee explains, “There were many times where I was sitting amongst everyone and suddenly we would all look around at the same time, as if we’d all heard the same noise.”

Added another attendee, “It’s August and we are all wearing sweaters…there are freezing gusts of wind and nobody knows why.”

With Ted Kennedy absent from the day’s funeral, it is speculated that he is at the brink of death and paranormal expert Paula Montgomery says she knows why:

“Ted Kennedy is in what we call ‘Paranormal Transition’. As he moves closer to death, his spirit is transitioning into what we on Earth call ‘ghosts’. The reason for the funeral disturbances are easy to explain. He obviously wants to be there, so he is…in the best way he can in his condition.”

But why is Kennedy turning into a ghost? Montgomery explains, “When one dies they don’t want to stay on Earth. They want to move on. However, many ghosts are bound to Earth as a result of a dispicable action they did while they were alive. It’s sort of considered punishment.”

So, is Mary Jo Kopechne and the Ghost of the Chappaquiddick to blame? “Absolutely. Everyone is brought to justice at some point. This is Kopechne’s payback after all these years.”

ASHLAND, NH – Earl Havlock picked up the phone at the general store, dialed his brother Elwood and said: “come on down. I think I’ve won some money for you on the lottery.”

When Elwood arrived at the store he expected to see a $40 winner. Instead Earl grinned and handed him a winning lottery ticket — worth an incredible 8.94 million!

Less than an hour eariler, Earl, who has been diagnosed with epilepsy since he was a teenager, had gone into Luff’s Corner Cupboard in Ashland, NH, and purchased some lottery tickets for himself and two as gifts for his brother. When one of those two hit the jackpot, Earl — who barely scrapes by of $450 a month disability payments — faced the decision of his life: to claim the money himself or to hand it over to his brother.

Earl didn’t hesitate and jumped right over to the phone to call Elwood and happily handed him his ticket to prosperity. Elwood, 49, told Weekly world News: “I glanced at the ticket thinking it would be a $40 winner. The girl behind the counter told me, ‘It’s the jackpot ticket!’”

“I laughed and said, ‘Yeah, sure it is.’ I thought she was joking until everyone in the store started congratulating me and shaking my hand. I couldn’t believe I was a multimillionaire!”

Says Earl, “A lot of people told me I should have kept the money, but I bought it as a gift for Elwood and you don’t hold back a present. Even if it’s worth 9 million dollars.”

WASHINGTON D.C. – The ghost of Mary Jo Kopechne is at it again! And she’s really leaving her mark!

With Senator Ted Kennedy at the brink of death, friends of the senator have been revealing that Kennedy and those close to him have been falling victim to the famed “Kennedy Curse”.

Suspicions  began a few weeks ago when Ted himself began seeing visions of Mary Jo Kopechne, the woman involved in the controversial accident on Martha’s Vinyard over 40 years ago.

“He was even paler than he usually is, it was remarkable,” says one aide.

For years, rumors have been swirling that the Kennedy family is hexed as  a result of a drunken Ted Kennedy and his fateful night with Kopechne. The tragic deaths of JFK, JFK Jr. and Robert Kennedy have all been blamed by the curse and with Eunice’s death this week and with Ted at death’s door, it looks like Kopechne is back for one last hurrah.

“We’ve placed sage and incense around his bed and have an exorcist on call around the clock,” says his nurse. “We hope it can ward off Mary Jo’s spirit.”

But one source close to Kennedy is not afraid as much as she is annoyed, “She died in water and now she leaves wet footprints all over the floor! Spooking the man who drove her to her death is understandable, but I have to clean up the puddles, and I’m not happy about it!”

How can YOU avoid being cursed? Follow these steps:

• Figure out which side of  the family is cursed. Let’s just hope it’s orgin isn’t you.
• Trace the curse as far back as you can. This may take a few trips to town hall or, if you need to do extensive research, a geneologist.
• Identify the individual who placed the curse. “It could have been a barefoot hag who was burned at the stake hundreds of years ago. It’s important to know where the hex is coming from
• Learn the wording of the curse. Once you find out exactly what the curse was, it’ll be easier to find the “escape clause”.
• Place a counter-curse. This would in volved getting a whichcraft-practitioner to help you lift the curse. Beware of making bargins with any black market whichs, you don’t want to promise away your first born!

When tough times start shrinking your bank-roll, you can still survive if you follow tightwad tips from the greatest experts on Earth — the world’s richest people!

There are lots of little ways to save big money. And no one applied them better than people like the Kennedy’s, Howard Hughes, J. Paul Getty and other multi-millionaires who really knew how to streeeetch a dollar.

• It is well-known that Prince Rainier of Monoco bought socks all the same color and style, so that if one sock wears out, he always had a match!
• Mega-rich oil baron J. Paul Getty had a problem with people coming to his home and making both local and long-distance calls. They’d tell him that they’d pay him for the calls, but always seemed to “forget” — until Getty installed a pay phone in his house for his guests.
• Matriarch Rose Kennedy used to trade her old clothes with a friend who wore the same size. That way she’d get a whole new look for free.
• Her husband, Joe Kennedy liked to workout with weights, but instead of purchasing expensive barbells, he would fill old paint buckets with water, put them on the bathroom scale to check their weight — and presto, he had free weights to workout with. You can do the same thing with plastic milk jugs.
• And speaking of the Kennedys, a former housekeeper who worked at the Palm Beach home of Ted Kennedy says the former senator never wastes electricity by running the clothes dryer.
• Christina Onassis used to insist that her housekeepers stuff the fingertips of their dishgloves with cotton balls to prevent puncturing them.
• Donald Trump saves paper by using old comics as wrapping paper for gifts! He says it also makes the gifts more appealing to kids!

LOS ANGELES, CA – Reports are pouring in that, Lady Gaga, the New York-born singer songwriter is not quite the ultra-feminine sexy siren she claims to be. According to sources, Gaga boasts both male and female genitalia.

Reports surfaced when a YouTube video began to make the rounds, displaying several pictures of the scantily clad songstress with what appears to be parts of the male anatomy.

Sources claim that Gaga has addressed this topic in the past. Some claim she “just didn’t like going around telling everyone that she has both male and female parts. Now that everyone knows, she can really capitalize.”

Now the the secret is out, what is next for the pop star? It’s likely that Gaga will start performing as her male alter-ego, now forming two seperate identities, thus, doubling her growing appeal. People close to Gaga also claim that she has begun a relationship with Megan Fox, who just last year came out at the Golden Globes, revealing that she is, in fact, a man.

BRONX, NY – It was reported that Michael Jackson was to trade in his famed sequined glove for a baseball mitt. The late eccentric millionaire was to buy the Yankee franchise — so he could play center field.

“The general public had no idea how much of a baseball fan Michael really was. He had not missed a World Series since 1968, he owned loads of sports memorialbilia, and loved to toss a ball around with his kids,” says one source close to the superstar.

“Michael was a surprisingly good athlete — he had great reflexes and superb coordination, not to mention long legs that would take him around the bases in a flash,” continued the source.

Rumors that Michael Jackson was planning on buying the franchise had been around for years, and whispers of a “mystery buyer” for even longer.

The Jackson family would not comment on the issue, but it’s been said that the player’s grumblings may have unraveled the deal. They feared Michael would have made special demands, and been given special treatment.

“Who knows! He may have made Bubbles our mascot,” says one player. “On the other hand, watching him moonwalk around the bases would have been pretty amazing.”

CHICAGO, IL — 80′s teen film director John Hughes died Thursday of apparent cardiac arrest during a morning stroll in Manhattan. Sources reveal it was really Hughes’ life, and more specifically, his death, that will truly be  immortalized.

His iconic films, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Home Alone, launched the careers of Molly Ringwald, Demi Moore, and so many others, but sources reveal it was really Hughes’ life, and more specifically, his death, that will truly be iconic and immortalized.

Talks are now underway to develop a script that will not only dramatize Hughes’ life, but unveil the moments leading up to his untimely demise. Details are still scarce, but sources say the late 50 year old’s story will be spun to tell the tale of a midwestern suburban teenager who’s father suffers from an unexpected heart condition.

There is no word yet on who will play the role of the bully with a soft side or the non-threatening girl next door.

PLATTSBURGH, NY – The future is here! Terrafugia has just announced that the Transition flying car has made its first successful flight.

Terrafugia’s engineers have been working on the Transition for three years. With fully-foldable wings, the vehicle is able to transition from landing at an airport to driving on the road!

The Transition is capable of being driven at highway speeds and will even fit into a standard car garage, but legally, it can only take off or land from an approved aviation airport. No taking off from your driveway for now!

Still interested? The vehicle goes on sale in 2011, but the catch is the cost: $194,000. You can put down a relatively affordabel and fully refundable deposit of $10,000 now if you are interested.

Check out the first take-off below:

PORTLAND, OR – After a 1,900% tax hike was proposed to help the state budget, Oregon residents have protested by dumping beer into the Portland harbor.

The state of Oregon is currently facing  a budget deficit, much like many states during the recession. The lawmakers proposing the hefty tax hike state the extra money will go towards prevention, treatment and recovery programs for those addicted to alcohol and other substances.

But consumers and local beer brewers are rallying against the tax hike, both to save microbrewers and to keep pint prices down. David Mulligan, owner of Portland Porthouse, said, “All of that hike is going to go right to the consumer. We’re a small, family brewery, we can’t cut corners here. I don’t think those lawmakers have a clue what kind of riot they’ll have on their hands if a pint goes up to $6.”

Despite their peaceful, laid-back reputation, some residents have pre-emptively shown their anger by sneaking onto boats in the harbor and throwing cases of beer into the water. Jim Snyder, a local investment banker, agreed to speak to Weekly World News about the protest. “We are just following the old American tradition of opposing unfair taxation!”

When asked if they were using beer stolen from the ship ala the Boston Tea Party, Snyder looked confused and responded, “Well, uh, no, we bought it at a local grocery store  and Bob’s wife over there brought it in her mini-van.” A middle-aged woman in a lawn-chair waved happily from the dock.

The five men onboard explained that they will continue dumping the beer in the harbor until the tax hike is struck down, or the police politely ask them to leave.

CALIFON, NJ – In the wake of a recent successful auction, one middle-aged virgin wants to be the first man to sell his first time!

Natalie Dylan, a 22-year-old student, has put her virginity up for auction in order to pay for her master’s degree in Family and Marriage Therapy. With bids topping $3.7 million, some are wondering if this will become a trend. Now one New Jersey resident has made it his goal to become the first man to do so!

Steven M. is a 35-year-old bank teller, whose dreams of flying in space may finally come true. He has set up his own online auction for his virginity, in the hopes of securing a seat on Virgin Galactic’s first sub-orbital flights in 2010.

Although the price to fly is a hefty $200,000, Steven is certain there is one lucky lady somewhere who will pay that much for his “first time”. “It has been my life-long mission to be out amongst the stars and experience zero gravity, just like the astronauts! I know there is at least one woman out there who wants to make me a man and make my dream come true!”

His ad promises: “I am definitely a virgin!! I am ready to take a polygraph test, administered by my cousin Billy, Califon’s volunteer sherriff (hi Billy!). My mom will also vouch for me, she would hear if I was bringing ladies back to the house, haha!”

So far bids have only reached $3.57 but Steven remains hopeful.

Details of the proposed flowering have not yet been released, but it is assumed it will happen quickly and awkwardly in total darkness while his parents are out.