PASADENA, CA – eHarmony has once again come under serious scrutiny.  Critics of the popular dating site allege that it does not allow for humans to be paired up with aliens.

After defending its practice of excluding same-sex couples, eHarmony must again stand by its methods. Founder Neil Clark Warren, PhD, psychologist and author of several books about relationships, claims that he simply has not done the same amount of research on alien matchmaking as he has with human matchmaking.

“You gotta be kidding me,” exclaimed an exasperated Warren.  “I’m not even convinced aliens exist.  How would I even know what they like in a mate?”

Prentice Fusilier, attorney from the Intergalactic Civil Liberties Union, filed a lawsuit on behalf of their reclusive client, Zanbar, claiming that eHarmony’s policy against aliens violates California’s laws prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

“Orientation?  We don’t know if these things have orientations… or genders for that matter,” persisted Warren.

Fusilier is hoping to get a decision in the case before the ultra-conservative Overlord-elect Zorock comes in to power.

GROOM LAKE, NV – Mega-celeb Oprah Winfrey has been in discussions with top government officials in an attempt to purchase Area 51.

In 1947, an alien spacecraft crashed in Roswell, New Mexico and the surviving aliens were brought to the Air Force base in southern Nevada known as Area 51.  The aliens have thrived and built a community that they have called home for over 60 years.

Oprah, a long-time supporter of aliens, has done countless shows promoting alien issues.  She does tailor the shows to also be applicable to human problems but contends, “Aliens are always at the center of it all.”  There is even speculation that she took a shine to Dr. Phil because he is part alien.

Winfrey’s plan is to turn the base into a full habitat for all alien cultures.  “I want this to be a welcome mat for visitors all over this wonderful world,” exclaimed a hopeful Oprah.  “It starts with this base and, hopefully, soon the whole state of Nevada will be a refuge for travelers and outcasts from everywhere.”

So far the Air Force, the Department of Energy and the National Security Council have all turned down Winfrey.  But she hopes that her endorsement of President-Elect Barack Obama will breathe new life into the one dream that she hasn’t been able to make come true.

CHICAGO, IL – Shocking both the hip-hop and the political worlds, Kanye West and John McCain announced that they have developed a joint clothing line.

The gear, called McKainye, will be a blend of conservative styles typically associated with politicians, the free-spirited styles typically associated with hip-hop artists, and the narcissistic feel that’s unique to Kanye West.  “McKainye – Reaching Way Across the Aisle,” is both the tag line for the apparel and the title to the duet the pair recorded to promote their new venture.

Making the merger even more bizarre, West has been vocal against the current Republican administrations.  The rapper/philanthropist made headlines in 2005 during a benefit show for victims of Hurricane Katrina by going off script and saying “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

“McCain’s good people,” said West.  “He’s no Bush.  This is the right thing for the country right now.”

McCain couldn’t be contacted for a comment, as he’s still very busy with his bid to become the next president of the United States.  There is no support to the charge that McCain has been throwing the election in order to promote the apparel and eventually record a solo album.

McKainye will hit the stores in mid-November of this year.

PASS CHRISTIAN, MS – In last night’s debate, both presidential nominees Barack Obama and John McCain repeated a story about a “Joe Plumber”. Weekly World News researchers scoured the nation for this elusive American.  Far from Big Washington, Joseph “Joe” Plummer actually resides in the coastal town of Pass Christian, Mississippi.

“Sure I know who they are,” said a confused Plummer.  “Can’t say yet which one I’ll be voting for.  But no, I’ve never met either of them.  Why do you ask?”

Both Obama’s and McCain’s representatives refused to comment on the apparent inconsistency in the candidates’ debate.

WASHINGTON, DC – Senator John McCain took a few hours out of his busy campaign schedule to attend the annual basketball game that reunites “The Keating Five.” All four of the surviving five US senators who were implicated in the Savings and Loan Scandal of 1987 attended the match where they defeated the Georgetown University junior varsity team 21 to 16. The game was largely seen as an esteem booster for McCain’s next presidential debate.

A Gatorade-soaked Dennis DeConcini (D – AZ) said, “Now that there’s a bigger financial scandal than ours, maybe we’ll have to discontinue the game.”

Republican Presidential nominee John McCain, who shoots with an underhanded ‘granny’ style shot due to injuries sustained while in a Vietnamese prison camp, scored eight points.

CHICAGO, IL – The University of Illinois at Chicago announced this morning that they have offered OJ Simpson an adjunct professorship in its prestigious Drama department.

Though Simpson was convicted on all twelve counts of armed robbery and kidnapping over the weekend will likely spend the rest of his life in a Nevada federal penitentiary, he will be able to conduct his classes live via satellite.

UIC, home to Weather Underground founder Bill Ayers and several other felons, welcomes the high-profile addition to its esteemed faculty.  “He’s The Juice,” exclaimed university Chancellor Paula Allen-Meares.  “He led the nation in rushing two years in a row at USC.  He won the Heisman.  He was the first pro player to reach 2,000 yards, for goodness sake!”  She added, “I’m also a big fan of ‘The Naked Gun.’”

Simpson has also begun writing a new book tentatively titled “If I Didn’t Do It.”

“I thought I saw a boat broke down, so I went to help out,” claims Captain Swan.  “But weren’t no break down.  I seen Fossett fightin’ with Jimmy Hoffa for the love of Amelia Earheart.  After a bit they noticed me and just poof vanished.”  Swan was released from official custody this morning after testing negative for drug and alcohol use.

WASHINGTON, DC – After the stress of finalizing the bailout plan for the nation’s distressed financial institutions, the U.S. Senate took a break and awarded John McCain an honorary Miss Congeniality Award.

“He kept mentioning that he hadn’t won Miss Congeniality again in his speeches.  When he repeated it during the debate last week, I took the hint and whipped up a proposal,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D – Nev.)  Senate Bill S.4102 passed 51-36-13 in favor of bestowing McCain, a 22-year veteran of the Senate, with the accolade.  McCain has refused to remove the tiara since the ceremony, even though he has set back out on the campaign trail.

BURBANK, CA – The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) issued fines to NBC and producers of “The Office” for injecting subliminal messages into the show.  The screen shot from an episode last Spring above shows a monitor promoting Zorock, an alien candidate for this year’s election of a new Galactic Overlord.  The show has long been suspected to have aliens on its staff, cast and crew.

“Political content is perfectly fine, but we don’t condone subliminal messages of any kind,” said FCC spokesperson Teresa Kubos in an official statement.  She added, “Personally I think Zorock is a solid candidate.”

GOTHAM CITY – Bruce Wayne has deep pockets and Batboy knows it.  In an attempt to extort money from the wealthy playboy, folk hero Batboy filed a paternity suit in early May of this year.  The suit is actually against DC Comics, a subsidiary of Warner Brothers Entertainment.

Batboy’s attorney Chris Irwin (pictured) complained that the comic book juggernaut was obstructing justice by not producing Bruce Wayne for a DNA test.  “They know Wayne is Batboy’s father.  Look at the resemblance,” said an excited Irwin.

When asked to comment, the defense attorney simply furrowed his brow, shook his head and walked away.