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EARTH IS A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD


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MILKY WAY – Residents of the upscale Alpha Centauri district are petitioning the local government to enforce harsh restrictions on travel to and from Earth.

The group of wealthy solar suburbanites has formed the organization NIMBS (Not In My Back System) to combat what they perceive to be the negative influence of Earthlings on members of their community.

“We don’t want our children to wander into Earth’s atmosphere and end up shot down or worse,” said organizer Judy Klangmorvius.  “Everybody’s trying to be PC, but the bottom line is that those humans simply can’t be trusted.  They’re dangerous.”

“None of us can ever forget what happened to those poor vacationing retirees at Roswell,” added Mrs. Klangmorvius, referring to the grizzly 1961 murders of Frank and Lucy Fitzgrofttl’k’kmmm by Earthling authorities in an arid region of the Western hemisphere.

The initiative has ignited a storm of controversy in the blobosphere.  Humanity rights groups, led by prominent Earth intellectuals such as Tholian W.E.B. DuBois and Dr. Marvin Martian King Jr., have staunchly protested the group and its aims on moral grounds, but have cautioned temperance.

“We are angered by this new and shameful moment of bigotry,” read a statement from the National Association for the Advancement of Human People (NAAHP).  “But mostly we are disappointed.  Every seed of hatred planted, every word of intolerance uttered, every act of cruelty performed drags us one step further away from the universe of love and peace we all know to be possible.”

Others in the alien-human community have been less moderate, and voices of righteous rage have become louder and more common in the ongoing discourse on species relations.

“Human beings have been under the boot of aliens for millennia, have suffered untold devastation to their ancient landmarks, have endured circles in their crops, have been deceived and probed and abducted,” said militant Earth activist and cyborg HAL Com-X.  “We cannot love these extraterrestrial invaders.  We cannot respect them.  It’s not intelligent.”

NIMBS members have responded by clarifying that while some humans are acceptable, by and large the species tends to be sullen, violent, and lazy.  “I’m not a specist,” insisted NIMBS member Herb Smiquiggzwix.  “Some of my best friends are humanoid.  But when we’re talking about our kids, we’ve got to screw our heads on straight and take stock of the fact that these beings haven’t lived more than forty years of their five thousand-year recorded history without a war.”

“They’re not to be trusted,” he added.