SYDNEY – A 200-foot wide asteroid whizzed by Earth yesterday, narrowly missing us by 40,000 miles. But now a pair of aliens are coming forward to take the blame!
Australian astronomers discovered the object, called 2009 DD45, just a few days before it arrived. While it was only 200-feet wide, the impact would have been enough to wipe out a major city.
But the astronomers appear to have been duped, as two aliens released an apology to the citizens of Earth this morning. According to the message broadcast across all major satellite channels, the aliens’ craft was actually the object that almost crashed into our planet, due to unfortunate circumstances
The video shows the two aliens, Zagar and Molok, sitting at a desk with heads bowed, reading reluctantly from a piece of paper. Zagar explains, “We were out partying in the Kuiper Belt when Molok asked if we could do a tour of your solar system. I knew he had been heavily drinking, but he’d just lost his job as a methane collector on Uranus-” Zagar stops to giggle with his buddy, “and I thought it might help cheer him up.”
“After nearly hitting your planet, we were stopped near Jupiter and taken into custody for Flying Under the Influence. This message is part of our punishment. So I apologize for nearly hitting your planet and causing a catastrophic explosion of atomic proportions. My bad.”
Silence follows. Zagar elbows his companion and prompts him, “…You’re sorry too, right, Molok?” Lost in the haze of a hangover, Molok rests his head on the desk and moans in pain.
The United Nations has asked the Galactic Police Force to propose more severe punishments for FUIs, lest Earth be destroyed by a couple of off-planet teenagers. The GPF have yet to respond, further supporting accusations that Earth is not a priority.