WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama announced today his next move in his crusade to get the economy back on track – end off-world banking!
The President claims that the illegal practice, which involves setting up bank accounts with alien banks, typically using dummy corporations, fake names, or alien “trustees,” could be costing the American Government nearly 500 billion dollars a year.
“Shortly after Mr. Obama won the general election, we saw a dramatic increase in the number of high profile clients filing applications to open new accounts,” said Zbruz Fxxzl, General Manager of Qwoak Intergalactic Savings and Loan.
“We are known for our customer service. It is top notch. Our clients’ privacy and anonymity is our top concern.”
Fxxzl and his colleagues believe that certain members of the upper tax bracket worried about a tax hike and the elimination of the Bush Tax Cuts during the Obama Administration, causing the rush to open off-planet bank accounts, hiding their wealth before Obama appointees took over at the Internal Revenue Service.
Many of President Obama’s top critics have questioned how he intends to pay for the recently signed into law trillion dollar stimulus package without a dramatic tax increase.
It seems we now have the answer.
Publicly, banks such as Qwoak Intergalactic Savings and Loan and the Third First Bank of Northern Bffgling have not committed to working with the Obama Administration to out their American clientele.
“It is a very risky move for a bank, even interplanetary institutions, to reveal confidential client rosters to the government,” financial expert Suze Orman said in a blog post. “It calls their entire business model into question, their reputation too, and threatens their ability to attract new clients.”
“There must be something at stake for the banks that makes this is profitable and worthwhile partnership.”
Analysts theorize that in exchange for naming names, off-planet banks may replace certain foreign nations, with whom the Obama Administration is looking to cut ties, as financial lenders.
“It will be a lot easier for President Obama and Secretary of State Clinton to take a firm stand against human rights violators like China when we are not constantly borrowing trillion dollar cookies from their Chinese made cookie jars,” Adam Ruben of Moveon.org told supporters in an email blast.
“With the government taking loans from aliens, we can fund and win a war against China. It’d be really hard to convince the Chinese to loan us money so we can free Tibet.