Submit your photo to Weekly World News
TOP STORIES
twinkie
wild_hogs_atlanta

YOUR SPOUSE MAY BE AN ALIEN!

spouse_alienA

The old saying about men and women being from different planets isn’t always a joke:  You may really be married to someone from outer space!

“As many as 5 million aliens are living in the United States after taking on human form,” says Dr. James Kune, a physicist and former government UFO expert. “They’re evenly split between male and female, and most of them are married though childless.

“My research has determined that the average person has a 50-50 chance of being married to one.”

Dr. Kune says he has researched human-alien marriages for the past 10 year and discovered at least 1,000 cases of aliens passing themselves off as human – so convincingly, few spouses have the slightest clue.

“Their motives for coming here remain unclear,” he says.  “World conquest, the desire to live on a strange planet, overcrowding on their home world – take your pick.  We will know the answer eventually.  Some of the aliens are Zeebans, the peaceful aliens and others are Gootans, the evil aliens.”

Dr. Kune says aliens mate with us for both practical and emotional reasons.

In the early years of alien visitation, many E.T.s were looking only for cover – marrying a human man or woman took suspicion off them as outsiders.  Eventually they realized that not all humans marry and that they could just as easily pass as confirmed bachelors or old maids.

But most aliens actually did end up marrying.  “For most other species, it’s unnatural NOT to pair off with someone.  The longer they stayed here, the lonelier and more eager for companionship they became.  And so they began developing actual loving relationships with humans.

“One of the most surprising findings in my research is that these alien-human relationship are among Earth’s strongest marriages.  While the overall divorce rate for U.S. marriages is hovering around 50 percent, almost 90 percent of alien-human marriages last well beyond the so-called “seven-year itch” that often marks the end of human-t0-human marriage.

“I can only theorize that the aliens are working harder to make their relationships succeed, probably to protect their true identities.  Or maybe they just like being married – which,” he says with a smile “really should be our first clue that they’re not human.

Getting serous again, Dr. June has several signs that point to your spouse being out of this world.

ALIEN HUSBANDS

Love to fix things around the house – and actually repairs what’s broken instead of making it worse.  “This is obviously a function of their highly developed mechanical and scientific skills.” Dr. Kune says.  “They usually have every high-tech power tool they can get their hands on, and keep it all compulsively organized.”

Do not use the TV remote to “surf”  -at lightening speed through channels, but stop at each program to absorb the information before moving on.

Are energized and stimulated by physical contact with their wife. They often initiate long conversations after a lovemaking session, in order to better understand the experience.

Will ask for help when they need it – sometimes. “A significant number are just as stubborn about things as human men.”  Dr. Kune says, “I suspect that a lot of aliens are on this planet only because they wouldn’t listen to people on their own planets.”

ALIEN WIVES:

Are fascinated by sporting events, especially those on TV.  They become very quiet during a game and do not question their husband about it, preferring to focus on the game and time in the telepathically to the coaches and players.

Approach housework and meal preparation as hard labor, and prefer to share these duties with their husbands.  “When their husbands did not offer to help with these duties, several alien wives reported feeling hurt and insulted,” Dr. Kune says.

Work hard at being fit and attractive by getting regular exercise and practicing good nutrition.  “I have not found a single instance of an alien wife asking her husband if she looks fat,” Dr. Kune Says.

Are analytical and logical in arguments with their husband. “Although we are beginning to see the early development of the skill of weeping, Dr. Kune says, “as alien women become more assimilated into our civilization.”