ETs powers rival those of Moses parting the Red Sea!
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI has quietly named a shape-shifting space alien to minister to the needs of the faithful in an as-yet unnamed parish in the southwestern United States.
And even though it remains unclear where the bulb-headed extraterrestrial will set up shop, Vatican insiders acknowledge that it “may not be far” from mysterious Area 51, the U.S. military’s UFO-related secret base in Groom Lake, Nev.
Little is known about the space-alien priest’s background. And when it comes to discussing details, church sources in the Vatican and at U.S. Catholic dioceses have been unusually tight-lipped.
But secular experts with Vatican ties have learned that a human priest saved the creature’s life after finding its mangled body in the wreckage of a “space pod” that crashed near Mexico City in 1997.
Schooled in the ways of Catholics during what seems to have been a long and painful recovery, the space alien — apparently at the behest of the pope himself — agreed to devote his life to God, say the sources.
Intriguingly, the extraterrestrial is said to have capacities and powers that rival those used by important Bible figures like Moses, who parted the Red Sea and turned walking sticks into snakes, and Jesus, who raised the dead, turned water to wine, fed a hungry crowd of thousands with just seven loaves and fishes and even controlled the weather to prove that God was indeed His father.
According to one source, the space alien can “lift and twirl” objects as large as tractor trailers just by looking at them and opening his pancake-sized eyes wide.
He also can “shape shift” — having demonstrated a peculiar fascination with turning himself into dishes and silverware in addition to appearing as ordinary men and women of every description.
On one surprising occasion, he is said to have hobbled into the Vatican as the double of Pope Benedict XVI, who is reported to have been “delighted” by the devout extraterrestrial’s fun-loving sleight of hand.
And those powers aren’t the only thing that sets the creature apart from humans.
Sources have learned he has at least three hearts — two of which reside in his buttocks — and “feeds” on electricity he procures by poking a long, skinny finger into a wall socket.
“But what truly sets him apart is his devotion to the pope and to God,” says a Vatican source. “He has memorized the Bible and can recite it verbatim.
“Even more importantly, he absolutely adores humans and wants to help them find the righteous way of Jesus Christ.”
Nobody knows if the priest will reveal himself as a space alien to his flock, although the Vatican insider says, “It’s not really all that important for people to know.”
Nor is it clear whether the extraterrestrial clergyman will minister to the needs of other space aliens.
“As he grows in his ministry, his methodology and broader purpose will become clear,” says a Washington-based secular observer who promises “to watch this ministry” closely.